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The Key to Healing and Growth: Your Core Value
Path Three: Act on a Core Value Motivation
A third way to access core value is to act on any one of what I call
the core value motivations:
• improve
• appreciate
• protect
• connect
If you’re in a state of core value, you’re automatically trying to do
one of the above. Fortunately, core value is a two-way street. When
you find yourself cut off from your drive to create value—in other
words, you feel numb, down, nervous, resentful, or aggressive—deliberate
attempts to improve or appreciate or connect or protect will
access a state of core value and set you once again on the road to healing
and growth.
Improve. The core value motivation to improve means striving to
make something better. For optimal success in recovering from the
severe effects intimate betrayal, think of improving as an incremental
process—making things a little better at a time. People sometimes
stop trying to improve because they don’t know how to “fix” a situation.
In emotionally charged conditions, it’s nearly impossible to go
directly from feeling bad to feeling 100 percent good. But once you
make something 10 percent better, it becomes easier to make it 20
percent better. Then it’s easier to make it 40 percent better, and so on.
Strive to make a bad situation a little better if you can, but if you
can’t, then make your experience of it better. For example, a common
problem after intimate betrayal is the hard feelings of valued members
of the betrayer’s family. You can start out thinking of what might
make the situation with, say, your ex-mother-in-law 10 percent better—perhaps
sending her a sincerely written card or a flower as a kind