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The Key to Healing and Growth: Your Core Value
clients initially respond. These are significant qualities, to be sure,
but they’re not the most important thing about you. (It’s a hard question
to answer, because we don’t typically think about our most essential
qualities.) Here’s a way to tease out what you might regard as the
single most important thing about you:
If you don’t have grown children, imagine that you do. Choose
how you would rather your grown children—real or imagined—feel
about you:
Choice A: “[Mom or Dad] was honest, loyal, generous, and hardworking.
I’m not sure [she or he] really cared about me, but [she or he]
was always honest, loyal, generous, and hard-working.”
Choice B: “[Mom or Dad] was human, and [she or he] made a few
mistakes. But there was never any doubt that [she or he] cared about
me and wanted what was best for me.”
If love is so important to you that intimate betrayal has been
devastating, rather than a mere ego offense, its likely that the most
important thing about you is your capacity to show care and compassion
for the people you love.
If you have a different answer to the “most important thing about
you” question, try to take it a step deeper by asking yourself “Why is
this important to me? Is this what I will be most proud of near the end
of my life? Is it what I will most regret not doing enough of?”
Read out loud whatever you wrote down as the most important
thing about you. When you do, you will feel either empowered or
uneasy. The latter indicates that you need to adjust your behavior to
be consistent with your most important quality, to avoid hidden feelings
of guilt, shame, anxiety, regret, inadequacy, or unworthiness.
There are built-in rewards for staying true to what you regard as the
most important thing about you: a sense of authenticity and conviction,
with relatively little self-doubt. Those rewards are available in
states of core value, which you can invoke most easily by honoring the
most important thing about you as a person.