book one redone - Coldbacon

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The author invites you to take an active interest in this essay, although he
doesn’t want you to know exactly what it will be about, because that
would take the fun away. He doesn’t want to take the fun away. And if by
now you do not already sense the unmistakable parallel between this story
and your own life, the author grants you the freedom to bend, ever so
slightly, the meaning of his words so that you can wrap yourself in them,
tightly, and be succored.
The author feels you should now be acquainted with the main subject. But
first you must adopt a suitable looking device through which to examine
the text properly—something that will enhance and bring out its true
meaning, and protect you from the gross injustices of the naked eye. It’s
said the best way to get at the truth is to get as far away as possible. For
this, he recommends the fully collapsible Sony XL50 two-mirrored long
range telescope. Versions of this essay can be viewed on Mars, Neptune,
and beyond. Others would argue for an up-close approach. Here, most
critics would focus on the Nikon Eclipse ME600L, which comes with
replaceable triple filter turrets, or the Olympus OME-8000, which has
more versatility than you need. A handful of serious American readers say
they’d rather die than use anything less than a Hitachi scanning electron
beam. Perhaps a more moderate perspective is in order. Leaders of the
Women’s Liberation Movement favor the Mamiya 645 E, while the
NAACP has unequivocally backed the Ebony SV45. Many Slavs in the
know swear by the Linhof Technika 45, while a splinter fraction of
Lithuanian scholars remain loyal to the Kiev 88. German scholars still in
Germany rely on their Spandau double filter Mark 14’s, while most of the
French literati I know are always falling back on their Arca Swiss F-line.
Meanwhile, Thomas Edison’s great-great-great grandson has written
several not unwitty position papers in support of the monocle.
At this time, the author feels it would now be appropriate to reveal a very
important word—knoogle. He realizes that many of you will not
understand the word, and for this he is willing to forgive you. Because he
knows you will now rededicate yourselves to broader learning. Still, he
fears some readers may remain unconvinced of his authority on the
subject. He recommends they reread the first two paragraphs. And for
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