book one redone - Coldbacon
book one redone - Coldbacon book one redone - Coldbacon
those who may be feeling a bit, shall we say, insignificant? and wondering if they are deserving even of reading any further, he would like me to reassure them they are not alone. He has therefore instructed me to relay the following account of Norse gods who have also been impressed with his work: Odin, Thor and Freya were all in agreement as were Alvis, Amma and Arnamentia. Loki and Angerboda were impressed enough to dedicate one of their better schemes in his honor. Also awed were Kied Kie Jubmel, flamboyant and misunderstood running back for the Valhalla Volts and gentle Marjatta, who conceived a son after swallowing a cranberry. One must watch out for that. Then there was Berserker who was so moved he suspended his raging just long enough to catch his latest column in The Asgard Times. Why even Snotra, goddess of fragrant literary magazine editors, had nothing but the highest praise. Kornjunfur, goddess of corn, purchased the complete collection on Amazon. She lent them to Jarnsaxa, who was the wife of Thor—and wouldn’t that be enough? In fact, so pleased were all the gods with his writing they decided to give Ragnarok a miss again this year. Frigg. Not concerned in the slightest for his own reputation, the author has charged me to convince you that he is complex; that he is an enigma, who, in addition to his justifiably arrogant manner, can at times be more selfdeprecating than Woody Allen, more self-knowing than Lenny Bruce and more coked up than two John Belushis, three Robin Williamses and a doctor. He would like all of you to know he is aging just like the rest of you, but to save time, he will not elaborate on how his children are more technologically advanced than himself, or how he is secretly not bothered by this. The author would like now to smudge you with his human side. He begs me to relate to you a very touching story about the time he saved that old lady from drowning in two feet of water. He didn’t even know her name. Real heroes don’t ask questions. He was like Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca. No, he was like Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver. No, he was like Kirk Douglas in Paths of Glory, minute eighty-seven. Of course, he would like to provide another example from his own personal history, but 156
ecause of copyright and other intellectual property concerns, including online rights and current negotiations with several third parties, he cannot. Of course, a writer of his abilities—in fact, possibly unparalleled abilities—knows there are two sides to every thing, and that a real author should never take sides. And so he asked me if there is any chance some of you might misread his account as, well, a bit biased. I told him there was this chance. Thereupon he beseeched me to include some lines of my own on his behalf, you know, in case someone of you mistook his pointed barbs for pointed barbs. Let me assure you that he would never be so mean. If only you knew of the countless times I’ve heard him walk about the palace tormented, saying that for every invective, there is self-hate, for every shout, there is self-doubt and that true love conquers all. 157
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ecause of copyright and other intellectual property concerns, including<br />
online rights and current negotiations with several third parties, he cannot.<br />
Of course, a writer of his abilities—in fact, possibly unparalleled<br />
abilities—knows there are two sides to every thing, and that a real author<br />
should never take sides. And so he asked me if there is any chance some<br />
of you might misread his account as, well, a bit biased. I told him there<br />
was this chance. Thereupon he beseeched me to include some lines of my<br />
own on his behalf, you know, in case some<strong>one</strong> of you mistook his pointed<br />
barbs for pointed barbs. Let me assure you that he would never be so<br />
mean. If only you knew of the countless times I’ve heard him walk about<br />
the palace tormented, saying that for every invective, there is self-hate, for<br />
every shout, there is self-doubt and that true love conquers all.<br />
157
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