book one redone - Coldbacon
book one redone - Coldbacon book one redone - Coldbacon
Sharks If you’re ever attacked by a shark. And then someone says, “Hey, you have to get back out there. If you never go back out there, then the shark wins.” Don’t listen to them. If you go back out there, and the shark eats you. The shark definitely wins. Desert Islands People always ask me who I would pick to be stuck with on a desert island. Most people say something like their wife or girlfriend—Halle Berry. But I wouldn’t want someone I cared about to be trapped on a desert island. No, I would pick someone I really hated. And then make their life a living hell. The Third Key Is it just me or is there always a third key on your key chain that you have no idea what it’s for? Not Just Now Thank You John always tried to be polite. Whenever someone offered him something, even if he wasn’t interested, he would always say, “Not just now, but perhaps a bit later, thank you.” So on the way to prom, when Tricia Roberts expressed some interest of her own in the back of the limousine, “Not just now, but I think I will have some later.” People People are like stocks. Just wait long enough, and they’ll come back up. Arm Hairs How do arm hairs know when to stop growing? And can we give some of that to George Lucas? We Need a Word For feeling sorry for a piece of ice as it melts in a really hot drink. 20
Brother Find Your Brother One day I was standing in front of a vending machine about to make a selection when I noticed I had three pennies in my pocket. Of course, who needs three pennies? So I reached up and placed them on the top of the machine without another thought. I made my purchase and was about to walk away. But for some reason I decided to look up on top of the machine. I saw six pennies there. Old Habits Never Die, They Just Try To Negotiate I used to have this silly habit—whenever in a public place—of planning how I would escape, if it were to suddenly become—necessary. I could be sitting at a table in the back patio of some quiet little bistro when I would imagine some knife wielding maniac bursting onto the scene and picture myself jumping over the fence to safety. In my daydream, getting over the fence was always just a formality. Today I caught myself doing this for the first time in many years. But now, when the maniac arrived, instead of jumping over the fence, I found myself rather casually scanning for an opening through which I might pass without too much effort. A Small Miracle Every time I click “print” and hear that little clunking noise, like it worked, like it’s going to print, I can’t help but feel as though a small miracle has just occurred. I mean, all these years, and I still get just as excited as if it were the first time. The World There are two kinds of people in the world, my friend. Those who are leaving little bits of toothpaste in the sink. And those who are trying to make them feel bad about it. 21
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Brother Find Your Brother<br />
One day I was standing in front of a vending machine about to make a<br />
selection when I noticed I had three pennies in my pocket. Of course, who<br />
needs three pennies? So I reached up and placed them on the top of the<br />
machine without another thought. I made my purchase and was about to<br />
walk away. But for some reason I decided to look up on top of the<br />
machine. I saw six pennies there.<br />
Old Habits Never Die, They Just Try To Negotiate<br />
I used to have this silly habit—whenever in a public place—of planning<br />
how I would escape, if it were to suddenly become—necessary. I could be<br />
sitting at a table in the back patio of some quiet little bistro when I would<br />
imagine some knife wielding maniac bursting onto the scene and picture<br />
myself jumping over the fence to safety. In my daydream, getting over the<br />
fence was always just a formality. Today I caught myself doing this for<br />
the first time in many years. But now, when the maniac arrived, instead of<br />
jumping over the fence, I found myself rather casually scanning for an<br />
opening through which I might pass without too much effort.<br />
A Small Miracle<br />
Every time I click “print” and hear that little clunking noise, like it<br />
worked, like it’s going to print, I can’t help but feel as though a small<br />
miracle has just occurred. I mean, all these years, and I still get just as<br />
excited as if it were the first time.<br />
The World<br />
There are two kinds of people in the world, my friend. Those who are<br />
leaving little bits of toothpaste in the sink. And those who are trying to<br />
make them feel bad about it.<br />
21
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