book one redone - Coldbacon

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When one toaster cycle isn’t enough, and you attempt the ill-advised extra half-cycle, which you will then forget about and burn the damn thing anyway. When you realize the food is too hot just when you’re about to put it in your mouth, but you can’t stop yourself, because—you just can’t. When you’re getting into or out of some pants, and you lose your balance, somewhere between pants-on and pants-not-on. You’re goin’ down and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. When you’ve just finished drying off from a shower, and you realize you’ve still got soap under your arms. The road ahead will require great conviction. When you try to figure out what word someone was trying to type by looking at the keys around the letter in question. This technique can also be used to determine whether someone has spelled a word incorrectly because of a typo or because they’re a damn idiot. Ha ha. It’s your friend. When you discover the remote was underneath a cushion the entire time, and you’re not sure if you’re happy because you found it, or sad because you wasted all that time looking for it. There’s a parable for this, but who cares. Few things are worse than a surprise empty CD case. There is one thing worse than a surprise empty CD case. When you stamp and address an envelope, try to not seal it before putting the contents inside. There is little more horrifying than that, except some of the stuff they have on rotten.com. 24
movies4.html The following are actual search strings that were used by people to get to my movie reviews page. When humor like this is delivered right to one’s desktop, one can only rejoice and for the most part, thank AOL. http://aolsearch.aol.com/dirsearch.adp?query= movies with sick children &hc=0&hs=2 http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=brazil naked boys first=6&last=17&next http://aolsearch.aol.com/dirsearch.adp?query=russian pedophilia http://search.aol.com/dirsearch.adp?query=russian girls in houston &first=11&last=next=item& http://aolsearch.aol.com/dirsearch.adp?=stills from mermaid movies http://search.netscape.com/google.tmpl?search=disney movies sexual &start=30 http://google.yahoo.com/query?p=secret sexual parts in disney movies &hc=0&hs=6 God damn, why can’t you people just rent regular porn like the rest of us for crying out loud! http://search.aol.com/dirsearch?query=older more mature naked women Amen! Nothing worse than those damn older, immature naked women. http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=good Kevin Costner sites(naked) &hc=0&hs=0 This is me hitting my own head with a hammer. I think I need a couple more. 25
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Page 63 and 64: Hotmail Daemon: 1 person wants to e
Page 65 and 66: Poison Control “Hello, you have r
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theendofanera.html You may have not
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eally used a picture. And I thought
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monitors.html From a Review of Moni
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that looked just like—oh my—wai
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glib \ ‘glib \ adj glib-ber; glib
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movies/mysticmasseur.html Mystic Ma
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movies/blackhawkdown.html Blackhawk
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eal and credible as—nothing, or a
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October 30, 2003 My therapist says
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hello there fellow webmaster! I enj
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From: Al Shehorn To: Cold Bacon Van
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6/23/60 Italian Film Crew Distracte
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142 Kris: “Do you know yourself?
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144 Courtney Love passed away this
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From: Michael S. Tilley To: Cold Ba
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148 “Nominally a reserved people,
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argument. And I’m not reading it
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Tuesday, June 15th, 2004 3:59 pm Li
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Sunday, April 17th, 2005 4:41 pm Go
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No steady stream of commercials to
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From: Kirsty Date: Thursday, March
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Hi Bacon, Sure, we’d be able to p
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book one redone - Coldbacon

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