book one redone - Coldbacon

icecream.html
Your brain is like a master statistician, always making calculations, at
speeds almost imaginable. You may not be aware of it, but your brain
carefully analyzes thousands of tids and bits of information, from
multiple angles, weighing millions of possible outcomes each second,
every second. In other words, you would never carry a heavy appliance
with the cord dragging behind on the ground—at least not without a good
reason.
Life’s lessons, like ice cream, come in thirty-one different flavors. When
you do decide to go “cord-on-floor,” of course, you know you’re walking
on thin mint. And when the cord does get snagged, and you pull and it
pulls back like a gold medal ribbon, and you have to stop and turn slowly
around, that’s when you’re traveling a rocky road. But you will not set
that television down. Instead, wisely, you’ll use one hand to balance it
against your chest while the other attempts to yank the cord free. And
now it’s confirmed, your status as number one nutty coconut. Of course,
if you do have to put down that television set, that’s like stopping to ask
for directions. My god, you’re a cookies and cream puff. Now actually
dropping it would be chocolate chip cookie “doh!” And if it breaks, a
closed fist and fudge. Maybe you do have a chocolate almond for a brain
after all.
chance of breaking something = (laziness x unfounded sense
of urgency x 1.5 presence of Y chromosome + belief in floor
gnomes) / fear of having to buy a new something
Here are the flavors that didn’t make it: chocolate chip, coffee, bubble
gum or pink bubble gum, butter pecan, blind date, pistachio almond,
running with scissors, strawberry cheesecake, vanilla, promise and cream,
orange sherbet, zipping it up too fast, world class chocolate.
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