book one redone - Coldbacon

unless he was just kidding when he played Jim Crowe on my knee, with a
fully black paddy wagon throw away the key. Like Eminem, he was
merely trying to generate healthy discussion. Look, if I were against
masturbation, and my job made me do things to protect those who gave
glory to it, I would look for another job. Unless, of course, it paid a hell of
a lot, in which case, I would look for the Vaseline.
I am a Republican, so whenever I can’t decide whether to put jam or
cinnamon on my hot-buttered toast, I think “What would John Ashcroft
do?” Not John Ashcroft, civil rights advocate gourmet, but John Ashcroft,
attorney general gourmet. Because I know he would make that choice
with integrity. He would never let personal preference enter into such a
serious decision. That’s the kind of man I want for breakfast. Oh nix the
toast, I’ll just have a scotch. I’m a Republican, you know. I can do that.
I am a Democrat, so I think we should put a tax on both butter and jam.
Then we can use it to start a program to help people with their toast
problem. It’s an outrage that ninety-five percent of the toast in America is
concentrated in five percent of the toasters. I want to know, “Where are
those toasters and what is John Ashcroft going to do about it?” Oh, forget
it. [finger on intercom button] Ms. Stevens, could you please hold all my
calls? [wondering aloud] Now where’s that blow job I ordered?
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