book one redone - Coldbacon

y Warner Bros.] Oh my god! What do you say when the Pope asks you
how you liked the sermon? And you can’t pretend to speak another
language either, cause he’ll damn well know it. It seemed to me I had two
main options. “Yeah, your work is pretty good” or “oh yes, I’ve been your
biggest fan for—at least two hours.” I chose “stand there like an idiot for a
few seconds” until finally, my mouth just said, “yes.” And everyone
seemed satisfied, or relieved, sort of like when someone asks a baseball
player if he’s already thinking about the next series, and then he says he’s
just going to “take it one game at a time”—collective sigh of relief across
T.V. viewing audience. Or maybe it’s “in God’s hands now.” Hey, can my
day at work tomorrow be in God’s hands? That would really take a load
off. Listen, we’re going to pay you five million dollars a year, and all you
have to do is learn these two mind numbing phrases. And coaches—
they’re even worse. They not only say the shit, but then, before you can
even say anything, they come out with, “Well, they may be clichés, but
there’s a reason for it.” Dammit. Hieronymo’s foiled againe—by the
skipper.
So now let us consider a web site put out by a wine tasting social club
called the Wine Boobs. Essentially they would get together in a group of
about five or six people each bringing a bottle of wine in a brown paper
bag so as to conceal its identity. They would then taste the wines and
reverse transcribe their evening as if into a screenplay, which you could
then read.
In the early days, they were youthful and optimistic, poor and clever, and
living in Philadelphia. They got downright excited to rediscover the glory
of Gewürztraminer [WB #9] and grieved for the overlooked complexities
of a twenty-year-old Barbaresco [WB #15]. Their fun and silliness knew
no limits. Parmigiano was grated so vigorously so as to be “shrapnel”
hitting people in the face, and the qualities of a wine were more than once
compared to those of the opposite sex, and vice versa.
Now for the most part, the Boobs had never flirted with pictures or
sounds, instead using only the Roman alphabet (God’s alphabet) to
convey their wisdom and humor. In fact, they even once described the
music their protagonists heard during the tasting, but of course, no real
sound. Yet this time, without warning, they used a picture. I mean, they
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