book one redone - Coldbacon

eal and credible as—nothing, or at least not much. Maybe if Coppola had
actually inserted the beginning of Contempt, instead of just copying it, we
could have cared about her troubled marriage.
Or perhaps if Coppola didn’t see herself in young Scarlett Johansson, she
would have cast a less dreamy, but more engaging actress. Hollywood
seems to think Johansson is the thing next to butter, but I just don’t see it.
I put her acting somewhere between Klonopin and trazadone. On the other
hand, Bill Murray is acting even when he’s not, just like Al Pacino always
tells the truth even when he lies. That’s because he’s old and has dark
hair. Johansson is not old and has blonde hair. She has no scar. She
doesn’t even have an ass yet. So who cares about her pink underwear?
Don’t get me wrong. Johansson is very pretty, but I can’t decide if I want
to sleep with her or give her some energy bars. And then sleep with her.
As for the story itself, well, it really is quite phony, isn’t it? Of course it’s
Coppola’s reaction to growing up and being hit on—or perhaps not being
hit on enough—by her father’s Hollywood friends. Let’s not even mention
the atrocious phone conversations between Bob and his stale stateside
wife. If the goal was to show us why Bob would consider leaving his
wife, shouldn’t it also have shown us why he might not? Instead, we’re
given a cold caricature whom this man would never have married in the
first place. Or maybe he just couldn’t bring himself to leave his family?
Okay, fine. He still could have slept with Charlotte though—and her foot.
But we’re obviously supposed to be heartwarmed that Bob wants to do the
right thing. But who said not sleeping with Charlotte is the right thing? I
did not say that. Or maybe it has nothing to do with any of that. Maybe he
has ED? Or VD? Maybe that’s what he whispered in her ear that made her
smile. “I was born, but...” The point is the whole thing just doesn’t add
up. None of the characters had any inner struggle to explain their
decisions or make us care about them as humans being or make us even
think at all. Being half asleep from jet lag does not count as inner struggle.
You’re welcome to disagree, but it really is quite impossible to develop an
internally consistent response to the film’s characters. Bob is annoyed at
the antics of the “Johnny Carson of Japan” show. But he signed up for it!
He went to Japan, for money. He placed himself in the situation like a
reviewer who knowingly goes to a dumb film and then whines about it.
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