Batshit Crazy _ How to Say 'No' and Still Be Loved

HOW TO SAY ‘NO’
AND STILL BE LOVED

HI, I'M MICHELE.
WELCOME TO MY LITTLE BATSHIT CRAZY COMMUNITY. IT’S GENUINELY
GREAT TO HAVE YOU JOIN US AND I REALLY LOOK FORWARD TO US
DOING SOME GREAT AND POWERFUL STUFF TOGETHER. IN CASE MY
STORY HASN’T REACHED YOU, LET ME TELL YOU A BIT ABOUT ME, AND
ABOUT WHY I SET UP THIS COMMUNITY.
I GREW UP ALONE (I WAS AN ONLY CHILD)…
WITH MY VIOLENT PARANOID SZHIZOPHRENIC MOTHER. THE 8 YEARS
BETWEEN MY MOTHER FORCING MY FATHER TO LEAVE AT AGE 4 AND
MY BREAK FOR FREEDOM AT AGE 12, INVOLVED SOME UNIMAGINABLE
HORROR, INVOLVING PRETTY EXTREME PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL
ABUSE.
IT WASN’T ALL BAD THOUGH…
BOTH MY PARENTS WERE EXCEPTIONALLY CREATIVE AND TALENTED
PEOPLE. MY DAD A JAZZ MUSICIAN & ARTIST, MY MOTHER AN
OPERA SINGER AND DANCER. SO, FLEETING MOMENTS OF VIBRANCY,
FUN AND LAUGHTER PUNCTUATED THE CONSTANT FEAR AND ANXIETY
I FELT. YOU SEE, MY PARENTS WERE SUPERBLY CREATIVE BUT UTTERLY
ILL EQUIPPED TO FUNCTION IN THE 'REAL WORLD'.
WHAT I LEARNED…
PARTICULARLY FROM MY MOTHER, IS THAT WE CAN ALL BENEFIT FROM
BEING A TAD BATSHIT CRAZY. IT ENABLES US TO PUSH BOUNDARIES, BE
CREATIVE, TO TAKE RISKS AND TO BE DIFFERENT. BUT, TO FUNCTION IN
THE REAL WORLD, WE NEED TO KNOW HOW TO HARNESS IT TO WORK
FOR US. MY RELATIVELY SANE & BEAUTIFULLY CALM FATHER TAUGHT ME
THE BASICS, BUT I'VE SPENT MOST OF MY LIFE FINDING MY OWN WAYS.
NOW, I'M TOTALLY PASSIONATE ABOUT SHARING THEM WITH YOU SO
THAT YOU CAN HAVE THE INCREDIBLE LIFE YOU DESERVE.
IF ANY OF WHAT YOU’RE ABOUT TO READ…
RESONATES WITH YOU. IF IT TOUCHES A NERVE. IF YOU’D LIKE TO DELVE
DEEPER IN TO THIS OR ANY OF THE OTHER STUFF WE CHAT ABOUT HERE
AT BATSHIT, GET IN TOUCH. JOIN MY FACEBOOK GROUP, MESSAGE ME
FROM THERE, EMAIL ME OR VISIT THE WEBSITE WHERE YOU CAN LEAVE
YOUR DETAILS SO THAT WE CAN STAY IN TOUCH AND MAKE SURE YOU
DON’T MISS ANYTHING WE SHARE WITH OUR INNER CIRCLE. YOU’LL
FIND ALL THE DETAILS ABOUT HOW TO STAY IN TOUCH AT THE END OF
THIS REPORT.
IN THE MEANTIME, EMBRACE YOUR INNER BATSHIT CRAZY AND ENJOY
YOUR READ.
Michele
2

WITH YOU.
WHY DO WE SEEM PROGRAMMED TO SAY YES?
WE SAY "YES" TO OTHERS BECAUSE WE WANT TO PLEASE THEM. IT’S
THAT SIMPLE. WE HAVE AN INNATE DESIRE TO BE LOVED, AND WE’RE
CONDITIONED TO BELIEVE THAT, IN ORDER TO BE LOVED, WE NEED
TO EARN FAVOURS. WE NEED TO PLEASE. BUT, WHEN WE REACH THE
POINT WHERE WE INEVITABLY CAN'T CONTINUE LIKE THAT, WE LET
DOWN THE VERY PEOPLE WE WERE TRYING SO HARD TO PLEASE AND
WE FEEL GUILTY. BOTH PARTIES THEN SUFFER. THE OTHER PARTY SUFFERS
BECAUSE YOU COULDN’T DELIVER WHAT YOU SAID YOU WOULD AND
SO THEY’RE DISAPPOINTED. YOU SUFFER BECAUSE YOU FEEL
INADEQUATE AND GUILTY. IN ORDER TO PUT ALL THIS RIGHT, IT’S
IMPORTANT TO RECOGNISE THAT A DESIRE TO PLEASE IS OFTEN WHAT
PREVENTS US FROM SAYING ‘NO’.
NOW, LET ME BE CLEAR. I’M NOT SUGGESTING THAT YOU SHOULD
NEVER TRY TO PLEASE ANYONE. FAR FROM IT. HOW WOULD WE EVER
ENTER IN TO A RELATIONSHIP, MAKE A FRIENDS OR GET A JOB OR A
PROMOTION? WHAT I AM SAYING THOUGH, IS THAT WE NEED TO
KNOW WHEN IT’S NECESSARY TO ANSWER WITH AN EMPHATIC ‘NO’.
DOUBTLESS YOU’RE READING THIS BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT
ALREADY. THERE ARE PROBABLY NUMEROUS TIMES YOU’VE FOUND
YOURSELF SAYING ‘YES’, WHEN YOUR HEART AND YOUR GUT WAS
TELLING YOU TO SAY ‘NO’. WHEN EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY WANTED
TO SAY ‘NOOOOOO!’. WHEN YOU KNEW IT WOULD CAUSE YOU EXTRA
WORK, PUT YOU IN A SITUATION YOU WEREN’T COMFORABLE IN,
SPEND TIME WITH PEOPLE YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH AND,
IN SOME CASES, WHEN YOU KNEW IT WOULD DO YOU HARM. BUT YOU
SAID ‘YES’ ANYWAY…DIDN’T YOU???
SO, I HEAR YOU ASK, “IF IT’S AN INNATE TRAIT, IF IT’S IN BUILT, HOW
CAN I CHANGE IT?” WELL, WITHOUT GOING TOO MUCH IN TO THE
SCIENCY STUFF, IT’S LIKE THIS. IT’S A NEUROLOGICAL THING. IT’S
CONDITIONING. YOU DON’T NEED THE SCIENCE. ALL YOU NEED TO
KNOW IS THAT, JUST AS SAYING ‘YES’ HAS BECOME SECOND NATURE
THROUGH REPETITION, YOU CAN USE THE SAME PROCESS OF
REPETITION TO ALTER THE NEURAL PATHWAY BY ADOPTING NEW
BEHAVIOURS. IN SHORT, THE MORE YOU PRACTICE SAYING ‘NO’,
THE EASIER IT WILL BECOME BECAUSE YOU’LL BE ALTERING THE
INTERNAL LANGUAGE OF YOUR BRAIN.
SO HOW DO YOU DO IT? READ ON…
3

MAKE A START HERE…
• STICK TO YOUR PLAN. IF YOU HAVE A WRITTEN SET OF GOALS AND
STRATEGIES, THIS GIVES YOU A REASON TO STICK TO YOUR COURSE…
"THANKS, BUT I ALREADY HAVE AN INVESTMENT PLAN, SO YOU DON'T
NEED TO SEND ME A NEWSLETTER ABOUT PENSIONS."
“THANKS, BUT I DO YOGA SO I DON’T NEED TO DO PILATES.”
• WHEN SOMEONE PERSISTS, REPEAT YOUR POSITION, PERHAPS IN A
SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT WAY…
"AS I ALREADY SAID, OUR POLICY IS TO DONATE TO CHARITIES THAT
HELP CHILDREN ONLY."
“AS I SAID, IT’S NOT IN MY PLAN AT THE MOMENT.”
• MAKE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT IS BEING ASKED OF YOU
BEFORE YOU RESPOND. PERHAPS THE TASK IS MORE TIME CONSUMING
THAN YOU THOUGHT. ON THE OTHER HAND, IT MAY NOT TAKE MUCH
EFFORT AT ALL.
“I’LL NEED MORE DETAIL BEFORE I CAN GIVE YOU AN ANSWER.” OR
“TELL ME MORE SO THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND WHETHER IT’S A FIT FOR
ME.”
• EXCEL AT JUST A FEW THINGS, RATHER THAN BEING JUST AVERAGE AT
MANY. DON'T TRY TO DO EVERYTHING.
WHEN WE SPREAD OURSELVES TOO THIN, WE BEGIN TO FEEL
INADEQUATE, FEELING THE NEED TO SAY ‘YES’ TO PROVE OUR WORTH.
• PROVIDE SUGGESTIONS OR ALTERNATIVES TO THE PERSON WHO IS
ASKING.
"I CAN'T MAKE A MEETING TODAY BUT HOW ABOUT FRIDAY/NEXT
WEEK?” OR
“I CAN’T MAKE IT THAT DAY BUT JOHN/JANE WOULD BE HAPPY TO
ATTEND.”
• WHEN A BOSS OR CLIENT ASKS YOU TO DO A NEW URGENT TASK;
- REMIND THEM THAT YOU ARE WORKING ON OTHER PROJECTS THAT
THEY HAVE ALREADY IDENTIFIED AS TOP PRIORITIES
- ASK THEM FOR HELP IN DECIDING WHERE THE NEW TASK SHOULD
FALL ON THE LIST OF PRIORITIES. PASS THAT MONKEY BACK!
- POINT OUT THAT YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO DO EVERYTHING, BUT NOT
TO THE USUAL HIGH STANDARDS THAT ARE EXPECTED.
4

REMEMBER…
• YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO SAY ‘NO’. REMEMBER THAT OTHERS MAY TAKE
YOU FOR GRANTED AND EVEN LOSE RESPECT FOR YOU IF YOU DON'T.
THINK ABOUT THAT. WE ALL KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS THAT GO TO
PERSON WHEN IT COMES TO ASKING SOMEONE TO GO THE EXTRA
MILE. BUT, HOW RESPECTED ARE THEY?
• BE POLITE, BUT FIRM WHEN SAYING ‘NO’. YOU ONLY BUILD FALSE
HOPES WITH WISHY-WASHY RESPONSES. FOR INSTANCE, THE PHRASE
"I'LL TRY TO BE THERE" IN RESPONSE TO AN EVENT/PARTY INVITATION IS
JUST GIVING YOURSELF AN EXCUSE TO AVOID A COMMITMENT. IT
DOESN'T DO ANYONE ANY FAVOURS.
• SOME EXPERTS RECOMMEND KEEPING YOUR ANSWER SHORT. THIS
WAY, YOU CAN SAY ‘NO’ WITHOUT FEELING THE NEED FOR A LENGTHY
JUSTIFICATION. "I'M SORRY, I'M NOT AVAILABLE THAT DAY/NIGHT.” ON
THE OTHER HAND, OTHERS SAY THAT GIVING A LONGER ANSWER WITH
REASONS REINFORCES YOUR CREDIBILITY.
LET THE SITUATION DECIDE.
• WHEN IN DOUBT, IT'S EASIER TO SAY ‘NO’ NOW, THEN CHANGE YOUR
ANSWER TO A ‘YES’ LATER, RATHER THAN THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
HOW GREAT OR IMPORTANT DO YOU FEEL WHEN YOU THINK PEOPLE
HAVE MOVED THINGS AROUND TO MAKE TIME FOR YOU?
TO END THIS SECTION, I’LL SHARE WITH YOU MY PERSONAL ‘GO TO’
FAVOURITE WAY OF SAYING ‘NO’…
“AW, I’D LOVE TO BUT IT’LL HAVE TO BE A ‘NO’ THIS TIME I’M AFRAID.”
PEOPLE SEEM TO BE GENUINELY CONFUSED BY THIS REPLY. THEY CAN’T
WORK OUT WHETHER I’M TURNING THEM DOWN BECAUSE I DON’T
WANT TO ACCEPT OR WHETHER I’M GENUINELY DISAPPOINTED NOT TO
BE ABLE TO ACCEPT. I HAVE TO ADMIT, IT MAKES ME GIGGLE A LITTLE.
5

WHEN YOU HAVE TO SAY YES
SOMETIMES, SAYING ‘NO’ IS SIMPLY UNAVOIDABLE. HERE ARE SOME
TECHNIQUES TO USE TO MAKE SURE YOU’RE ‘YES’ ANSWER DOESN’T GET
YOU IN AN UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATION, BECOMONE A HABIT OR CAUSE
YOU GRIEF…
• TELL THE PERSON YOU CAN AGREE TO THEIR REQUEST THIS TIME, BUT
ASK HOW THE TWO OF YOU MIGHT PLAN BETTER FOR THE NEXT TIME.
IF IT’S A FRIEND CALLING ON YOUR TIME, TELL THEM YOU WILL COME
THIS TIME BUT BECAUSE OF YOUR OWN COMMITMENTS, YOU’LL NEED
MORE NOTICE IN FUTURE.
• TELL THEM ‘YES’, BUT REMIND THEM THEY OWE YOU ONE. FOR
EXAMPLE, THEY MIGHT HANDLE A PROJECT FOR YOU OR ATTEND A
MEETING FOR OR PICK UP THE KIDS/YOUR DRY CLEANING FOR YOU IN
THE FUTURE WHEN YOU NEED TO BE DOING SOMETHING ELSE OR BE
SOMEWHERE ELSE.
• TELL THEM ‘YE’S, BUT TAKE CONTROL BY SAYING YOU'LL COME BACK
TO THEM WITH A TIMETABLE. FOR INSTANCE, SAY, "I EXPECT I'LL BE
ABLE TO DO THAT FOR YOU BY THE END OF THE WEEK."
• PUT A TOUGH CONDITION ON YOUR AGREEMENT. "IF IT WOULD ONLY
TAKE AN HOUR, I'D BE ABLE TO HELP, BUT I CAN'T GIVE YOU MORE
THAN THAT."
6

SO, ARE YOU READY…
TO START SAYING ‘NO’ MORE OFTEN? START WITH JUST ONE
OF THE STRATEGIES I’VE OUTLINED AND SEE HOW YOU FEEL.
HAVE FUN WITH IT. I PROMISE YOU, THE MORE YOU
PRACTICE, THE MORE NATURAL IT WILL BECOME.
I ALWAYS LOVE TO HEAR HOW YOU’RE GETTING ON, SO LET’S
KEEP IN TOUCH. ALL THE WAYS TO DO SO ARE LISTED BELOW.
IF YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT BATSHIT CRAZY STUFF BEFORE
IT’S MADE PUBLIC, AND IF YOU WANT TO BE THE FIRST TO
KNOW ABOUT NEW PRODUCTS AND EVENTS, GO TO THE
WEBSITE AND JOIN THE MAILING LIST. WE SHARE SOME
POWERFUL STUFF.
IN THE MEANTIME, GO EMBRACE YOUR INNER BATSHIT CRAZY
AND START LIVING THE AMAZING LIFE YOU DESERVE.
Michele
LET’S KEEP IN TOUCH
f: facebook.com/BatShtCrazy.co
w: http://BatShitCrazy.co
e: chat@BatShitCrazy.co
t: 0845 22 42 821
________________________________________________________________
All material contained herein is © Michele Henshaw and the Batshit Crazy Foundation
7