LGBT Caucus Brochure - Texas Council on Family Violence

tcfv - lgbt brochure.qxp 8/29/2006 10:18 AM Page 2What is <strong>LGBT</strong> domestic violence?Domestic violence or relationship abuse is asystematic pattern of intentional intimidationthat is reinforced by violence or threat ofviolence for the purpose of gaining or maintainingpower and control over one’s partner.Domestic Abuse Myths and Facts:Myth: Battering/abuse does not exist in samesexrelationships, in the lesbian, gay, bisexualand trans communities. It is believed to occuronly in heterosexual relationships.Fact: Domestic violence does exist amonglesbian, gay, bisexual and trans people, and inother sexual minority communities. It is not aproblem limited to heterosexual relationships.In the lesbian community, the extent andseverity of the abuse is becoming increasinglyevident. Despite fear and community denial,more and more lesbians, gays, bisexuals andtrans people are speaking about battering andabuse in their relationships.Myth: Domestic violence only affects certaingroups of sexual minority people.Fact: Violence and abuse are found in all partsof the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transcommunities. No group regardless of race,class, ethnicity, age, ability, education, politics,religion or lifestyle is free from domesticviolence. Being abusive is not determined by aman or woman’s size, strength or economicstatus. <strong>LGBT</strong> people who batter or abuse canbe friendly, physically un-intimidating, sociableand charming. <strong>LGBT</strong> people who are batteredand abused can be strong, capable anddynamic.Myth: In same-sex relationships, the problemis really fighting or “mutual battering,” notdomestic violence.Fact: The issue in domestic violence is control.A survivor’s needs are usually subordinated andshe or he often changes behavior to accommodateor anticipate her/his batterer’s demands.This unequal power relationship distinguishesbattering from fighting. In an abusive relationship,fighting back is self-defense, not “mutualbattering.”Myth: Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transsurvivors can leave abusive or violent relationshipseasily.Fact: Battering relationships rarely are onlyviolent or abusive. Love, caring and remorse areoften part of the cyclical pattern of abuse. Thiscan leave a survivor feeling confused andambivalent about what she or he is experiencing.Emotional or economic dependency,shame or isolation can make leaving seemimpossible.Myth: Factors such as substanceabuse, stress, childhood violenceor provocation really causebattering and abuse.Fact: A batterer choosesto be violent and is responsiblefor her/his behavior.Individuals and communitiesdeny this responsibility. Wewant to find excuses. Alcoholand drugs do not cause domesticviolence. Stopping substance abusedoes not guarantee that the batteringwill stop. Most lesbian, gay, bisexual andtrans people experience some kind of stressand many have experienced childhood violence,but there is no direct cause and effect relationshipbetween these factors and domestic violence.There is no provocation or justificationfor domestic violence.Domestic violence isn’t only a straightproblem.Domestic violence does exist in <strong>LGBT</strong>communities. Battering affects every race, class,color and religious segment of our communities.A healthy relationship involves respectfulcommunication and behavior. Everyonedeserves a safe and healthy relationship.You have choices.If you want to leave:Many people find that ending the relationship isthe best way to end the abuse. Leaving arelationship can be difficult, emotionally, financiallyand physically. If you decide to leave,there are resources, information and supportavailable. Call your domestic violence programor the <strong>LGBT</strong> community center, counselingcenter or anti-violence project for help insafety planning and getting what you need toleave safely.If you stay:People stay in relationships with violent orabusive partners because they want towork it out, hope things will get better,fear that leaving will increasethe violence, or fear being“outed” or mistreated if theyleave or go for help.If you are choosing to stay: You have a right to maintainconnections outside of therelationship. Isolation makesabuse much worse. You have a right to take yourinstincts seriously. If you are not feelingsafe, there is probably a reason. Dowhat you need to do for yourself.What can you do for a friend beingabused? It is important that you not judge yourfriend because that would make it moredifficult for your friend to approach you forsupport later. Ask your friend what kind of help or supportwould be useful. Keep what your friend tells you confidential.Do not confront the partner with informationfrom your friend, unless your friend asksyou to do so. Emphasize that your friend’s choice ofwhether or not to leave the relationshipdepends on many things that you may notunderstand, and try to respect your friend’sdecision either way. Help your friend identify options andresources. Call your local domestic violenceprogram or <strong>LGBT</strong> counseling center, communitycenter or anti-violence project and ask howthey can help a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transperson who is being battered. Tell your friendabout services or agencies that can help. TheNational Domestic Violence Hotline can connectyou with resources in your area, call (800)799-SAFE (7233), TTY (800) 787-3224. Offer your friend support and understandingin making these decisions.What can you do if a friend is abusingsomeone? Talk honestly to your friend about whatyou see happening. Do not confront your friend withinformation from the abused partner. Thiscould be dangerous for the abused partner. Help your friend understand that abusivebehavior is a choice. Change is the responsibilityof the person choosing to behave abusively. Support your friend in getting help tochange. Call your local domestic violenceprogram or <strong>LGBT</strong> counseling center, communitycenter or anti-violence project and ask howthey can help a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transperson who is being abusive to a partner. Tellyour friend about services or agencies that canhelp. If it is safe to do so, find out how you canhelp your friend’s partner.For more information, pleasevisit the <strong>Texas</strong> <strong>Council</strong> onFamily Violence web site atwww.tcfv.org, click on Support> <strong>Caucus</strong>, Ally & NetworkGroups > The Lesbian, Gay,Bisexual & Trans <strong>Caucus</strong>.