Asmeniniai laiškai

Man

Tu esi žiauri - skaudini ne vien save, bet ir kitus.
Tu esi šlykšti - atmeti kitų žmonių pagalbą ir verki,
kad nieko neturi.
Tu esi bjauri - apsimeti tuo, kas nesi.
Tu nesi visada linksma,
nei kupina energijos.
Tu nesi kaukė.
Tu nesi stipri.
Ir neprivalai būti tokia.
"Verk atvirai, neužsidaryk, nepamiršk, kad turi žmonių, kuriems rūpi."
Kaip norėjau tai išgirsti.
Žinau, kad tau trūksta meilės, bet nesijaudink.
Anksčiau ar vėliau sužinosi, kad ta meilė seniausiai laukia tavęs.
Ta pati silpna, jautri ir smalsi Ingrid seniausiai laukia tavęs.
Ir vienintelis žmogus, kurį šiuo metu skaudini
esi tu pati.

Tu nusipelnei būti savimi.
Prašau atleisk sau.
Aš tau atleidau.
Tad nebijok - jausk.

A letter to them

The illusion you both created
made me want to reach it myself.

Your kind of love was mixed with
pain suffering passion sadness
misunderstandings and understandings
it was
melancholy mixed with nostalgia.

I wanted that.
I wanted to reach an unbreakable connection -
The kind which even death can’t break.
The kind which needs space but not time.
But throughout all these years of chasing it
I realised it’s not the kind of love I want.

Your love is terror.
It’s an act of war.
A war between your inner selves.
The only ally to each of you
was one another.
It didn’t make you grow -
it made you w i t h e r .
Both of you covered each other’s leaves
by staying inside the shadows.

It’s not the kind of love I want.
But you made me chase it for so l o n g.
Thinking it was the only true one.
And when one is stuck running - it’s hard to get out
Difficult to comprehend why personally it’s not right.
Thanks to this illusion
I hurt people accidentally
I hurt myself unknowingly.

But at least now I understand

When two ignorant
and sensitive people
merge into one -
it’s just an idea of love.

A letter to him

I don’t know You
I don’t know how You thought,
how You felt,
how You talked,
I don’t know what You’ve been through,
what made You You.
what You truly feared and
what You truly loved.
I don’t know You
And I will never know You
because now it’s simply too late.
I respected You,
loved You and
cared about You.

I came to dislike You when You left us.
I came to hate You when You turned her life upside down.
I despised You when she hurt me.

The only truth is
You were a ruler
who didn’t want to rule.

But the funny part is that I only know Your ghost.
I’m sorry I still haven’t buried You.
I’m sorry I felt n o t h i n g when You passed away.
It’s a shame You left.
I miss the You I never got to know.
Thank You for giving me so many
opportunities to learn so much
about love and life.

I forgive You and I hope You forgive me too.

I wish I had known You.
I wish I knew the existig reality and not the fake one.

A letter to her

I am supposed to love You.
I am supposed to support You.
I should not question Your choices.
I should not be afraid of You.

But You didn’t l o v e me.
You didn’t s u p p o r t me.
You made questionable choices.
You scared and ignored me.

When I tried to talk
You didn’t hear me
When I tried my best to l o v e You
You made me h a t e You.

And You broke me so e a s i l y
like I was the same glass of wine
You let slid through Your fingers
every night

You were supposed to be my role model
I looked up to You
That is why I felt like I deserved
all the nights full of pain and tears.

And it always felt like You hated me
And I got used to the cold
And now I don’t know how to love
And now I’m just a broken glass
trying to fix myself.

P. S. You never apologised.

A letter to him

You were one of a few who made me
accept socially unacceptable views.
You were one of a few who gave me
space to be true.
You are ever changing
and always growing
even if it take a while.
The way You raised me was like living in a play.
You were an actor who truly believed in his role.

That is why I value honesty the most.
Even if that honesty is covering the truth
at least it’s not making up additional lies.

Even if You are messed up inside
You act based on how You feel -
that is what makes You so real.

I am grateful to Your raw emotions and feelings.
Of course there are things that hurt
but pain is a part of time.

I now realise that every little feeling is important.

And the best wishes shouldn’t be “Happiness and prosperity”
but “Realness of Your feelings and going through them thoroughly”

So Thank You for letting me see You at Your worst
and making me feel Your best.

Without You
I would not know how to accept and be honest with myself.
Without You
I would not know how to accept and be honest with everybody else.

A letter to her

You tried Your best to raise me.
I was Your third chance.
But even the third one isn’t enough.
Your disappointment in Your children
puts hard weight on Your heart.
I know You blame Yourself.
But even more You blame him.

And while You think this way
the weight will never lift -
it will only press You harder.

These words are what I have always wanted to tell You -
I am not a tool to lift that weight.
I am human.
I am not clay You can shape.
I am a whole different Universe.

I see,
feel,
hear
things differently.

I am not Your imagination.

I am me.

But thanks to Your egoism -
I learnt to be true to myself,
to Your goals -
I learnt that I am weak
and that’s okay.
to Your expectations -
I learnt that I can disappoint people,

to Your needs -
I learnt to accept myself.

You tried Your best to raise me
But You haven’t yet understood
that every person feels love differently -
Your children did so too.

And the most important lesson You still haven’t learnt -

You can’t love people without loving Yourself first.

A letter to him

You probably have no idea
how much You made me grow.
You were the only one
whose love was real.
Whose warmth was truth.

You were the only one
who heard me,
gave me answers
and was curious to see how far I’ll go.
And I understand You.
You’re just a lonely being
who doesn’t fit in.

But You’re amazing -
to be able to give out so much
while feeling so little.

You’re living here,
You’re living now.
There is nothing to read between those lines.

I still need to tell You
that at least in my eyes
You are inhuman -
You are a God.

The kind I would need years to learn from.
The kind I would never want to be
Only take a piece of You and put it in me.

A whole hearted Thank You for raising me.

A letter to friends

I take bits and pieces out of You
and put it in myself.
I take warmth
and care
to use.

Yet I am sorry
I forget all of You.
Not always Not eternally But I do.

And when the time comes
When I find myself again -
I remember that small treasure chest.
Except the treasure
is not made up of gold or silver.

It’s You I find -
a Universe inside.

Thank You.

To You.

You're a movement -
time and space collides inside You.
It creates bangs of emotions
and silence of feelings.

It’s beautiful.
Everything that is inside -
the tales You can tell
the feelings You once had and have

Your thoughts

worries

fears

Your way of seeing life

That is why I beg You -
do not ever give up on Yourself.

You are worth You.

Please understand that You are human.

You have the right to:
make mistakes,
to love whoever You want,
to feel as much as You need,
and to even get hurt by Your own self.

It is very important to learn to accept Your true nature.
Does not matter how “bad” it is.
There is no bad, there is no good.

There is just You.

Thank You.