Hatfielder Issue 1
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THE<br />
HATFIELDER<br />
Michalmas2016<br />
AnIntroduction<br />
totheColege<br />
AntonyBash<br />
Welcometo<br />
Hatfield<br />
VelPrimusVelCum Primis<br />
Congratulationstotheeditorsandto<br />
their coleagues for re-launching The<br />
<strong>Hatfielder</strong>thisyear.Thisnewspaperisan<br />
importantpartofhow theJCRcommunicates<br />
toitsmembers,andIam delightedtohave<br />
beenaskedtowritethisarticle.<br />
SowhatshouldIsay?<br />
Ihavethoughtlongandhard,andwantto<br />
writeonwhatIthinkisimportantandon<br />
whatIthinkisdistinctiveaboutaColegeand<br />
aboutHatfieldinparticular.Atthestartof<br />
thisyear,Isaidthatthereisawealth of<br />
diferencebetweenaHalofResidence–<br />
whichHatfieldisnot– andaColege.<br />
AHalofResidenceisabitlikeahostel– a<br />
placeto sleep,eatand,in thecaseofa<br />
University,aplacetodosomestudyingafter<br />
lectures. A Colege is much more. It<br />
comprisesalthataHalofResidenceis.Itis<br />
also a place that is self-consciously a<br />
community that through its developed<br />
organisationsandstructuresseekstoenrich<br />
theexperienceofitsmembers.<br />
Hatfield has a wel-developed system of<br />
studentrepresentation and self-regulation<br />
throughtheJCR,andyouwilhaveseenin<br />
Freshers’ Weekandthroughtheclubsand<br />
societiesthattheJCRsupportswhattheJCR<br />
canofertoenhanceyourtimeasastudent.<br />
Youcanplaysport,joinclubsandsocieties,<br />
gotoents,enjoytheexperienceofformal<br />
dinners.thelistgoesonandon!TheColege<br />
toowantstoenrichyourtimeasastudent.I<br />
wouldliketopointoutfivethingstheColege<br />
ofers:<br />
First,everystudenthasaColegementor.<br />
You mentor may be an academic or a<br />
memberofthewidercommunityinDurham.<br />
Yourmentorisavailable to be a critical<br />
friend,and to help you reflecton your<br />
experienceofbeingastudent.Domakeuse<br />
oftheopportunitiesthathavingamentor<br />
ContinuedonPage2.<br />
Fitestfreshers<br />
Ladiesandgentlemen:theFitest<br />
freshersof2016/17.Didyou<br />
makethecut?Presentedinthe<br />
onlywaythatpage3possibly<br />
couldbe.<br />
Bignamesoncolege<br />
Self-explanatory:whohave<br />
becomethebiggestnamesin<br />
colegesincethestartofterm?<br />
Theyknow whotheyare,andyou<br />
shouldtoo. Page3<br />
IN THE HATFIELDER<br />
RestaurantRave:Inshanghai<br />
Arambleabouttheinfamous<br />
Chinesebufet-Inshanghai.The<br />
sorrytaleofagroupoffreshers<br />
whobitofmorethantheycould<br />
chew.<br />
Page5<br />
Downitfresher<br />
ADurham barcrawl.Astoryofdetermination,grit,perseverance,<br />
andultimatelyupset.Tryingto<br />
makeitaroundthebig16onFireworksNight.<br />
Page6
Page2<br />
News<br />
AnEditors’Introduction<br />
TheEditors<br />
MaxandSimonPhoto<br />
HeardinHatfield<br />
Advert
News<br />
Page3<br />
FitestFreps<br />
Editorial<br />
BNOtheTerm<br />
Editorial<br />
Ifyoudon’trecognisethisman,thenobviously,you securing him this prestigious position of BNOT.<br />
haven’tsynced up mealtimeswith him.A striking However,Tarquincannotsitidleonhismetaphorical<br />
figureinthedininghal,hekeepsusonourtoeswithhis PalatineHil.Nextterm hiscontenderswilsurelyraise<br />
shiftinghair-stylesanduniquechoiceofapparel.His thepowerofthemobandviewithTarquintoendhis<br />
jumperofchoice,asalmonpinkafair,beingoneofhis rule.Onlytimewiltelwhowilgrow innotorietyand<br />
moreinterestingchoices.Buthow hashedoneit?Wel fame,andforwhatreasons…<br />
aseveryoneknowsthewaytobecomewelknownat<br />
colegeistorepforasecond-ratenightclubinacity<br />
renownedforitssecond-ratenightlife.We’retalking<br />
Jam City,Café Havana,andCheapSkates.That’sright<br />
wealknow Tarquinastherepofthediabolicalduoof<br />
Durham,Studioand/orLoft.Hisquickworkinsecuring<br />
therepjobduringfresher’sweekwentalongwayto
Page4<br />
News<br />
TheBatleAgainstPowerderedPepper<br />
Editorial<br />
Itistruewhattheysay;Powderedpepper<br />
trulyistheworkofthedevil.<br />
Uponone’sentrancetothedininghal,you<br />
areimmediatelygreetedbyit,sitingthere<br />
gormlesslyinitswhitecontainerlikeatwisted<br />
medicalinstrument.Youwonder,asyouwalk,<br />
whetheralthegreatsthathavegracedthe<br />
Hatfield hal have had that same<br />
stomach-churningfeeling.DidBirleybalkat<br />
theverysight?SurelyVinerefusedtoaccept<br />
it?<br />
Butwait.Outofthecornerofyoureyeyou<br />
catchsomethingquiteoutoftheordinary,<br />
takingprideofplacein thecentreofthe<br />
condimentssection.Crikey,apeppergrinderachildishandgleefulsmilespreadsacross<br />
yourface.Youbegantopickupthepace,<br />
happilyacceptingthetrade-ofofnoapple<br />
crumbleforthepepper:youhavetogetthere<br />
quick.<br />
Slammingyourtrayuponthesurface,you<br />
confidentlylungeforthepeppergrinder,and<br />
begin to turn.Yet,theGodsarefrowning<br />
uponyoutoday.Theonlyresponsetoyour<br />
turns are a helish shriek as it grinds<br />
nothingnesstonothingness.Empty.<br />
Thisisarealityfor<strong>Hatfielder</strong>severyday,al
News<br />
Page5<br />
Top10ColegeLunchPotatoes<br />
FláviaW.Ganzer<br />
InShanghai:AFightforSurvival<br />
Jem Warner<br />
AFTERsomeseriousexploitsonTuesdaynight,6eagereyedfreshers<br />
madetheepicjourneytoInShanghai.NonotShanghairenownforbeing<br />
themostpopulouscityintheworld,butrathertheunsuspectingbufet<br />
househuggingtheRiverWear.We'renotquitesurewhatpossessedus<br />
toembarkonthisgrimyventure.Perhapsitwasthedeepfatfryer<br />
monsterwhoI'vejustinventedbutcertainlydoesexist.Whenwewalked<br />
inthroughthedoor,wehadnoideawhatwouldbeinstoreforus.Litle<br />
didweknow Itwouldbeanarterycloggingbonanza,withenoughMSG<br />
tocreateanuclearbomb.<br />
Werushedtoourtableslikeeagerschoolchildrenwhenteachersgiveout<br />
orangesegmentsatbreaktime.Freshasadaisyatthispoint,whispers<br />
of‘I’m notleavingthisplacetilitcloses’werecomingfrom alcorners<br />
ofthetable.Itwasbigchat.Therewasnomessingabout,weweregoing<br />
togetourmoney’sworth.So,westrappedourselvesinfortheride,and<br />
ofwewent.<br />
ItItwaslikedeepfriedversionofWilyWonkaandtheChocolatefactory.<br />
Copiousamountsofprawntoast,springrols,crispyaromaticduckand<br />
prawncrackerswerestaringatuswithartisticbeauty.Itpresentedlike<br />
somethingoutofbothaMichelinStarRestaurantandtheWizardofOz:<br />
athingofmarvel.Justjoking-itlookedlikeithadbeentheresincethe<br />
referendum.Anyshredofclassthegroupmayhavehadwaslostwithin<br />
minutes,aswecontinuedtostufourfaceslikewe’dbeenkeptin<br />
solitaryconfinementforthepast9monthsorso.<br />
Asperusual,theeveningstartedofwitheveryintentionofretaining<br />
some form ofdignity.Butofcourse,we were swiftly reduced to<br />
glutonousslugs.‘Whatareweactualydoinghere?'Wasafrequently<br />
askedquestionthroughouttheexcursion.Afteronlyafew platesofat<br />
bestaveragefoodwerealisedourmistake:we’dbeensoldadummy.The
Page6<br />
News<br />
DownitFresher:BarCrawl<br />
MoSimpson<br />
ON the5thofNovember,1605,amannamedGuido<br />
“Guy” Fawkesandhisconspiratorswereplanningon<br />
blowingupParliamentwithahecktonofgunpowder.<br />
Thisplotofcoursefailed,whichisinpartduetothe<br />
recklessdrinkingthatwentonbeforehand.411years<br />
later,Ialongwithmyconspiratorsplannedtofolow<br />
thesefelowsbydrinkingonthesamedayinmuchthe<br />
samefashion:exceptwithmultipledrinkinglocations,<br />
and withoutbeing arrested fortreason.Wewereof<br />
courseplanninganinfamouscolegebarcrawl-athing<br />
I’I’’d heard legendary talesaboutfrom second years.<br />
Unfortunately,wedidn’tmakeittoal16ofthecolages,<br />
butfortunatelyforyouthatmeansthe<br />
re’slesstoreadabout:so,it’samixedblessing.<br />
TheeveningstartedofatGrey’s.Wewouldhave<br />
startedatJoBo,buttheconvenienceofpre-drinksata<br />
friend’swastoogoodtopassup.Also,aGrey’skitchen<br />
partyisawildthing,10\10wouldlovetogoagain.The<br />
Phoenixwasrathernicetoo,weldecoratedandwiththe<br />
intimacyofaVictorianerapub.Thelocalsseemedto<br />
agree,because itwasabsolutely packed with them.<br />
Queuingwasabitofanissue,butthere’snobetertime<br />
tostrikeupconversationwithyourcrawlmatesaboutthe<br />
evening.<br />
A vodkashotlaterand wearriveatColingwood.<br />
Convenientlylocatedmetresfrom Grey’s,TheStagisa<br />
decentplacetodownaJäger,andintheoryagreatplace<br />
to getapicturetaken riding on astag statue.Itis<br />
obviouslyahypotheticalphotobecausethisofencecan<br />
getyouadisciplinary.Imeanwho’dbedumbenoughto<br />
riskthatdrunk?NostudentIknow becausewe’real<br />
superrespectful.<br />
NextwewentonaquesttoVanMildert.What’swith<br />
thelayoutthere?Findingthatbarisarewardinitselfand<br />
wasentirelydeservingofthedoublevodkaandcoke<br />
consumedthere.Theirtoastiebar/clubisagifttoo,likea<br />
miniatureWif-Waf.Pitywedidn’thavetimetotryit.<br />
wilneedlegstocarryyoutoMary’s,somake<br />
goodchoices.<br />
Going into Mary’sforthefirsttimewasthe<br />
strangestexperienceoutofalthebars,from<br />
feelingthegrandeuroutsideofbeingonthesetof<br />
DowntonAbbeytosuddenlybeingbelow ground<br />
levelanddelvingintoaFaloutUniversebunkeris<br />
quitesurreal.<br />
However,thelongcorridorismuchbeterfor<br />
drunkracingthanAidan’sstairs.It’sbriliantly<br />
warm andflat,andonly100m orso.Intruth,the<br />
actualbaristiny,butifyou’recreativeenoughyou<br />
canhaveagoodtime.<br />
Hatfield and The Undie were closed<br />
unfortunately.WHYWERETHEYCLOSED?I’m<br />
stil confused by this. Half1 lads? Realy?<br />
Disappointing.LuckilyIhadwineinmyroom so<br />
we could continue our drinking adventure<br />
comfortablyinit.Nothingmuchhappenedthere<br />
apartfrom teasingmeabouthavingaroommate.A<br />
bitinsultingafterinvitingthesefelowsintodrink<br />
mywineIthought.It’sokaythough,theypaidfor<br />
apintlater.<br />
Thenightendedpeacefulybackin Hatfield<br />
withthegroupofushavingacupoftea.Thiswas<br />
notaspeacefulasitsounds,Therewasalotof<br />
lightweightshaming.Apoorefortbyalitwas<br />
agreed.Icrawledmyselfforonefinaltimeinto<br />
bed.SnuginthereassurancethatIenjoyedevery<br />
secondofmynight,andwoulddoitalagainina<br />
Mix<br />
of<br />
Michaelmas<br />
Water<br />
CrossingtheroadwemadeourwaytoTrev’s.Right.<br />
Payatention.Trevshascocktails.Imentionthispartly<br />
because oureditorslove a good cocktail(asshould<br />
everyone).Iwantedtobebiteraboutthisbutcouldn’t<br />
be,because thatadorable litle hexagonalbar had<br />
cocktails.Iwasstilravingonaboutitwhenweleft,even<br />
afterwestartedsinging.<br />
“IFYOULIVEONTHEBAILEYYOU’REA-”<br />
“-GREAT!” Iyeled back,trying to drown outthe<br />
obscenewordsthatarefartooexplicitforthispaper:<br />
knowingthatonedayIwasgoingtowriteaboutthis<br />
experienceforabaileycolege.<br />
Icertainlywishthatwasmygenuineresponse.Idon’t<br />
know whattotelyou,Ijusttragicalyroledwiththe<br />
uncensoredanti-baileychantbecauseI’m adisgrace.<br />
Anyhow this was surrealexperience.Notthe least<br />
becauseweweren’ton thebaileyand managed to<br />
confusealtheTrev’sstudentsaroundus.Whoarethey<br />
even aiming the songs at? They were probably<br />
wondering.Notthatitmatered.Iwaslovingittoomuch<br />
tobeofended.<br />
ThebaileybetrayalIhadjustsangmusthavehad<br />
cosmicrepercussionsbecauseAidan’shadstairs.Way<br />
toomanystairs.Donotraceyourfootbalplayingfriends<br />
upthesestairs.Theywilwin,youhoweverwilstartto<br />
seeblackspotsinyourvisionandmaybepassout.You<br />
ADVERT<br />
GinandMilk
News<br />
Page7<br />
FreshersMistakes<br />
FlorenceRayner<br />
We’vealheardthoseinfamousFreshers’talesandhavealwaysthoughtthatitwouldnever<br />
happentous.However,acoupleofshotsdownandalresponsibilitygoesoutthewindow.<br />
Hereareafew experiencesfrom thisyear’scohortofHatfieldFreshers.<br />
“OnWednesdaynightoffreshers’,Igetamessagefrom aMilderton,sayingheisat<br />
Paddy’s.Ifyou'dseenhisdimplesandsmile,you'dunderstandIjusthadtogo.Ontheway,<br />
I’m stoppedbyaguyaskingmeifIam atHatfield,towhichIreplyyes.Beingthefine<br />
gentlemanhewas,heescortsmethere.Now obviouslyatthispointI’m thinkingthiswon’t<br />
looktoogreattotheMildertonbutIwassureifIexplainedhe'dunderstand.However,<br />
disasterstrikesandwithhislevelsofintoxicationhedidn'tunderstandthatIhadnocluewho<br />
thisotherguywas.So,theMildertongetsinataxiandleavesmealonewiththe<strong>Hatfielder</strong>.<br />
Atalossofwhattodo,weheadbacktocolege.Aswecrossthebridge,hegetsacalfrom<br />
someoneandbeforeIcansayanything,we’reinakitchenwithfourorfivethird-yearrugby<br />
playersandthreegirls.Inshort,theoriginal<strong>Hatfielder</strong>disappears,I’m leftinaroom with<br />
strangers,andIendupstayinguntil4am -withtheonlymemorablething,singingalongto<br />
ValeriebyAmyWinehouse.TothisdayIhavenoideahow Iendedupthere.Everynow and<br />
again,Iseethoseguys.Wekindamakeawkwardeyecontactanditseemsliketheydon't<br />
know wheretheyknow mefrom -alinal,averystrangenight.” – ChristinaFialova<br />
“I’dhavelikedtoremembermoreofit.” – PetraJory“<br />
“Don’tleavedrinksinotherpeople’srooms.itwon’tbetherewhenyougotocolectit.” –<br />
FedericaRescigno<br />
“IbecameabsolutelyinfatuatedwithagirlwhoIhappenedtositnexttoatmatriculation.<br />
Probablyaverybadideasinceshehadaboyfriend,thoughsheonlytoldmethisaftershe<br />
hadledmeonforthreenights.Afterbreakingupwithherboyfriend,shecouldn'tdecide<br />
whethershewasoverhim orevenlikedme.Thiswentonformanyweekswithherchanging<br />
hermindmanytimessayingwewerejustfriends.Thebrightsideisthatwe'renow goingout.<br />
Moralofthestory:don'tstartseriouslylikingpeoplewhenyou'reinyourfirstfew weeksof<br />
uni.Itf***swithyourhead.” – Anonymous.<br />
NeverHadIEver<br />
EsméeCharley<br />
Now,thelistofthingsthatstudentsclaim thatthey<br />
haveneveratemptedbeforeuniversityusualy<br />
includesthingssuchasironing,cookingand<br />
cleaning,forothersthisalsoincludesthrowingup<br />
drunkandgoingtotheworstnightclubinEurope…<br />
So,Iaskedafew peoplewhattheythoughthemost<br />
novelthingtheyhadtodoonarrivingatuniversity<br />
wasandhereareafew responses.<br />
Georgie:“Iknow it’sabitsadbutbeforeuniIhad<br />
neverusedacreditordebitcard!”<br />
Anonymous:“Ihadneverused‘pip-squeak’ to<br />
mean‘easy’ ”<br />
Anonymous:“Hadashowerinflip-flopsandmadea<br />
washy-tapeimageofskyscrapers”<br />
Anonymous:“Beentoaclub,gotdrunk,kisseda<br />
girl.italhappenedinonenight”<br />
Anonymous:“Gotwithtwoguysinonenight.”<br />
Olie:“ParadednakedaroundDStairscorridor.”<br />
Federica:“Puled”<br />
Pawel:“Learnedwhatakerfuflewas.”<br />
“Don’twalkinonyourroommate.”– Anonymous<br />
“Keepingitclassywith‘paintingthetoilets’withvomitonfreshers’balnight” – James
News<br />
Page8<br />
SuperyachtBrokers&CabinetPolicy<br />
Advidors,ThisisHatfieldAlumni<br />
DianaKorzovaite
Page6<br />
News<br />
DownitFresher:BarCrawl<br />
MoSimpson
Page10<br />
News
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