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EU, crikey . . . they have us over a barrel!<br />

By MONTY FRIENDSHIP<br />

YOU know how it is. You are sitting in a conference<br />

room and you have a bottle of mineral water and a<br />

microphone in front of you. <strong>The</strong> South African<br />

have said. “But since the conference began the rand has<br />

devalued about 40 per cent and we are not able to pay for our<br />

hotel, can anyone help?”So South Africa now cannot export<br />

Government has sent you to Europe to negotiate terms with to Europe anything called Port or Ouzo or Grappa. <strong>The</strong>re<br />

the EU over the naming of exported products.<br />

were mutters by the Europeans of including terms like Tawny<br />

You have done your homework and you have all the facts and Late Bottled Vintage and words like that as well.<br />

and figures about how the EU is plundering the cod stocks in Wine labels that include French words like “Provence”, for<br />

the North Sea. You are going to threaten to have cod named example, will also be banned.<br />

as an endangered species and bugger the whole thing up if the La Provence in Franschhoek has already changed their<br />

Frogs and the Krauts won’t give you your way.<br />

name to Augusta. I hope the American golf course of the<br />

Before you can hit the Boys with these little gems Joao same name doesn’t sue!<br />

Pinheiro the European Development Commissioner stands up South Africa has five years to come up with new names for<br />

and says: “Listen Dog Breath, you export about 12 bottles of export to Europe. Eight years for export within SADC. We<br />

Port and Grappa to Europe and we give you a Zillion Rand in can still use these names within South Africa but even that<br />

aid and trade.<br />

will be looked at in 2010.<br />

“Now in a spirit of mutual support and “win win” either So now you all have a challenge. What shall we call these<br />

you do exactly what we tell you or we will turn you into an beverages in the future?<br />

economic cripple. What do you say?”<strong>The</strong> sweat breaks out on One punter has suggested calling Port “Sport”. I rather<br />

your brow and the tummy feels a little liquid.<br />

like the idea of calling it “Ex-Port” and I suppose there is a<br />

“Um . . . thank you your Worshipfullness but might I just case for naming some of them “Still is”.<br />

mention the cod?”<br />

Which reminds me of a houseboat on Lake Kariba, which<br />

“No! Listen Koosie or whatever your name is, you have was called “Best Little Whorehouse on Kariba”.<br />

exactly 10 seconds to agree to all our demands or we nuke <strong>The</strong>re were complaints apparently and the Lake Captain<br />

South Africa back to the Stone Age.”<br />

told the owners they would have to change the name.<br />

“Having considered all the differing viewpoints the South When it next sailed it had been re-named, “Still is”<br />

African delegation would like to agree with everything you Let me have your views and ideas mailto:montyf@iafrica.com.<br />

at .<br />

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mailto:outofafricai@hotmail.com http://www.outofafricai.com out of africa international MARCH - APRIL 2002 15

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