Jenny Downham

26
He supports himself with his arms, moving slowly above me, his face
turned to one side, his eyes tight shut. This is it. Its really happening. Im
living it now. Sex.
When its finished, I lie under him feeling mostly silent and small. We
stay like this for a bit, then he rolls off and peers at me through the dark.
What is it? he says. Whats wrong?
I cant look at him, so I move closer, bury myself deeper, hide in his
arms. I know Im making a complete fool of myself. Im snuffling all over
him like a baby, and I cant stop, its horrible. He sweeps his hand in circles
on my back, whispers Shush into my ear, eventually eases me away so he
can see me.
What is it? Youre not going to say you didnt want to, are you?
I wipe my eyes with the duvet. I sit up, my feet dangling over the
edge of the bed onto the carpet. I sit with my back to him, blinking at my
clothes. Theyre unfamiliar shadows scattered on the floor.
When I was a kid, I used to ride on my dads shoulders. I was so small
he had to hold my back with both hands to stop me tipping, and yet I was
so high I could splash my hands through leaves. I could never tell Jake this.
It wouldnt make any difference to him. I dont think words reach people.
Maybe nothing does.
I scramble into my clothes. The red dress seems smaller than ever; I
pull it down, trying to cover my knees. Did I really go to a club looking like
this?
I slip on my shoes, gather the things back into Zoeys bag.
Jake says, You dont have to go. Hes leaning up on one elbow. His
chest seems pale as the candle flickers.
I want to.