HIGHLAND PARK NEWS/EAGLE ROCK POST • DECEMBER 2006 ...

22
26
HIGHLAND PARK NEWS/EAGLE ROCK POST
REAL ESTATES SERVICES
•NOVEMBER HIGHLAND PARK 2006NEWS/EAGLE
ROCK POST
•DECEMBER 2006
REAL ESTATES SERVICES
Are you retired? Do you want to work but not a
lot of hours? Locally? Need a flexible schedule,
but don’t like quotas?
We Can Help You! Give Yourself a Chance!
We Specialize in....
• Home Loans • Ira/Roth Ira
• Fixed Annuities • Health Ins.
Bob and Maria Mullen
Are you retired? Do you want to work but not a
lot of hours? Call Locally? for Free Need Quote! a flexible schedule,
but don’t like quotas?
We Can Help License You! Give #0A71290 Yourself a Chance!
(323) 255-4400 or (213) 321-8167
We Specialize in....
• Home Loans • Ira/Roth Ira
• Fixed Annuities • Health Ins.
SERVICES
Bob and Maria Mullen
Call for Free Quote!
(323) 255-4400 or (213) 321-8167
License #0A71290
SERVICES
REPLACE
COUPON
REPLACE
COUPON
REPLACE
COUPON
Business Directory
For Rent
Beautiful, clean and private
2 Bd., 2 bath Appts.
1 st month's rent free
Business Directory
Earthquake Repair
www.uncutreport.com
For Rent
Completely remodeled with New Stainless
Appliances and Close to the 110 Fwy.
For Rent
For more
Beautiful,
information
clean
please
and
Call
private
Rebeca at
2 Bd., 2 bath Appts.
Beautiful, (213) clean 618-9496
1 st month's rent
and
free
private
Completely 2 Bd., remodeled 2 bath with Appts. New Stainless
Appliances 1 st month's and Close rent to the free 110 Fwy.
Completely For more remodeled information please with Call New Rebeca Stainless at
(213)
Appliances and FOR618-9496 Close RENT to the 110 Fwy.
For more information please Call Rebeca at
(213) 618-9496
FOR RENT
SERVICES SERVICES SERVICES SERVICES
For a Free
SERVICES SERVICES SERVICES SERVICES
Smog Test
www.FreeSmogTest.com
HIGHLAND PARK NEWS/EAGLE ROCK POST • DECEMBER 2006 27
Coming from Cover
ais not real, a lonely, sweaty fat man will be donning a suit and playing him.
Most of the time they’re harmless, but sometimes they’re drunk, vulgar, bitter
men who’d rather be undressing your kids than listening to them whine about
toys. If you happen to get one of these perverts, make sure you give your kids
extra juice boxes and remove their diapers just before sitting on Santa’s lap.
Tip: Sometimes Santa’s little helpers, the elves, are equally disgruntled. To teach
them a lesson as well, toss the previously removed diaper on the ground. Hopefully
your kid made a doody making it an extra special find.
Cancer
June 22nd – July 22nd
Home For The Holidays. If anyone has seen this Jodie
Foster directed movie, you know what I’m talking
about. Nothing means quality time with those you
love more than traipsing across the country only to listen to your grandmother
fart at the dinner table. I know that the holidays are all about being with those
you love – your family - but let’s face it, most of us hate our families and would
rather spend the holidays with Crackhead Bob. Yes, yes, I know, our families are
that bad, but whatever, I’d still rather do crack.
Tip: If you can’t handle 24 hours of being around kin, self medicate by any means
necessary.
Leo
July 23rd – August 22nd
If you actually like your family, it’s terribly hard and
depressing being apart from them during the holidays,
especially if you’re poor and can’t afford a plane ticket
home. In these times, I like to gather up the rest of the misfi t toys and host
a holiday dinner where, even though we can’t be with those we’d rather be
with, we can at least not spend another holiday alone in the dark talking to
the Care Bears.
Tip: If you don’t have any friends to spend the holidays with and not even your
stuffed animals want you around, volunteer. At least you’ll get to eat a decent
meal while you point and laugh at the homeless.
Virgo
August 23rd – September 22nd
God’s chosen people: the Jews. They’ve gotten the
short end of the stick since their creation. It makes
me wonder why, if their God’s chosen, he consistently
blows them off. Not even during the holidays do people care. Actually that’s
not true. I used to work at a literary agency and all the partners and agents
were Jewish so we’d get off almost every single Jewish holiday, I felt like I was
back in school. Go Jews!! So this year, spread a little tolerance around and hug
a Jew. They don’t always feel special because most of the world hates them.
Tip: If you don’t know any Jewish people to hug, find an Arab or other ethnicity
whom we’ve gone to war against.
Libra
September 23rd – October 22nd
Whenever my mom asks me what I want for
Christmas, I tell her nothing. I just want to be home
with my family and enjoy the little time I have with
them each year. Secretly I hope she sees through me, because I’m completely
lying, and through osmosis, assumes that what I really meant was that I want
a new iPod or digital camera. I swear, if she doesn’t it get it for me this year, I’m
going to SCREAM!!!
Tip: You are never too old for temper tantrums.
Scorpio
October 23rd – November 21st
Much like Thanksgiving, the remaining December
holidays are usually accompanied by mass amounts
of food and weight gain. If you haven’t had gastric
bypass surgery like most lazy overweight Americans, chances are you’re going
to put a few on this holiday season. To avoid that, eat your holiday meal at
someone’s house who’s an incredibly bad cook. It’s an extra bonus if they have
a dirty house or ugly kids.
Tip: If you can’t find anyone who’s a bad cook who’s willing to invite you over, visit
a homeless shelter. Usually the E. coli will kill any appetite you’ve had and you
might even lose weight, if you don’t die.
Tara Rubano is an aspiring writer living in Los Angeles. She
is the co-creator and co-editor of the online humor website
www.ducttapeandrouge.com.
FROM THE PUBLISHER
We print 20,000
color newspapers
delivered to over
600
locations and read
by 40,000 people.
Who do you want
to advertise with?
Inside Ad only
$ 999
for 1 year that’s
only $83.25 per
month!
www.uncutreport.com
Don’t get caught unprepared
A
recent study by LIMRA International revealed that twenty-five percent of U.S.
households do not have a plan in place to maintain their standard of living if the
primary wage earner died tomorrow. Equally alarming is the number of business
owners without a continuity plan. What happens to the business if key people are
unable to work due to illness, disability or death? If you have planned properly,
nothing, if not, your business could be lost.
Proper planning requires the guiding hand of a dedicated professional to best meet the
client’s needs and future goals. Located in the heart of Old Town Pasadena, Axiom Diversified
Inc., offers personalized insurance and financial services, employee and executive
benefits, and business continuity planning to help avoid being caught unprepared.
Protect your most treasured assets, call for a free consultation today.
Axiom Diversified Inc.
30 N. Raymond Ave, Suite 505 Pasadena, CA 91103
Phone: 626-356-4800 Phone: 626-356-0535
Email: info@axiomdiversified.com Website: www.axiomdiversified.com