The Utah Marriage Handbook - Stronger Marriage

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• What You Do 10 Utah Marriage Handbook What You Do In addition to thinking in ways that support and build the relationship, people in healthy marriages make a habit of doing certain things that keep their friendship, their commitment, and their connection strong. Some of these behaviors may come more naturally for some people than for others; however, everyone can build skills in these areas with effort and practice. Maintaining & Growing Your Friendship It should come as little surprise that couples with a strong friendship quite naturally handle their conflicts better. Couples are often very good in the beginning of their marriage at doing the kinds of things that enhance their friendship and positive feelings for each other. The following are suggestions that are fairly simple but very powerful in maintaining and growing your friendship throughout your life together. Tip #7 • Frequently ask your spouse about his or her thoughts, feelings, and experiences. You may know a lot of things about your spouse already, but always striving to more deeply know your spouse can positively affect your marriage. The more a spouse is aware of the details of the other person’s world (his or her stressors, hopes, likes, and dislikes), the better the marriage. Knowing your spouse well leads to a strong friendship—the true key to a long-lasting, healthy marriage. Test how well you know your spouse by answering the following true or false questions. I can name my spouse’s best friends. I know my spouse’s favorite type of music. I know my spouse’s favorite movie. I know my spouse’s most stressful childhood event. I know my spouse’s most embarrassing moment. I know what my spouse would do if he or she won the lottery. I know what my spouse’s ideal job would be. I know my spouse’s ideal place to live. I know the things that currently cause my spouse stress. I know the names of the people that have irritated my spouse recently. I know some of my spouse’s life dreams. I am very familiar with my spouse’s religious beliefs. I know my spouse’s favorite and least favorite relatives. I feel like my spouse knows me pretty well. I trust my spouse. My spouse trusts me. True False * Adapted from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, J. Gottman (1999).
If you were able to answer true to more than half of the questions, you know your spouse fairly well. If not, take some time to find the answers to these and other important questions about your spouse. It will improve your friendship and your commitment to your spouse. Share the answers on your list with your spouse, and don’t feel badly if you didn’t know a lot of things. Use this as an opportunity to share with each other. Enjoy the conversation, and make it a regular part of your time together. Tip #8 • Show your spouse in small ways daily how much you care. Interestingly, it is not the big, grandiose displays of love and affection that keep a marriage strong. It is the daily, small, positive behaviors and habits that work best. Researchers have even discovered a formula among healthy couples: there are five positive behaviors for every one negative behavior in the relationship. Often, when couples struggle in a relationship, it is not necessarily that there are lots more negative behaviors—it is that they have lost the many daily kind and thoughtful behaviors and routines that existed in the early part of their relationship. Keys to a Healthy Marriage As daily physical exercise builds strong bodies, there are some daily relationship exercises that build strong marriages. Try these. Post these exercises on the refrigerator, and try them. Couples report amazing results! Exercise 1 Before saying goodbye to your spouse in the morning, learn about one important thing that’s happening in his or her life that day. This will break the habit of inattention that eventually turns couples into strangers. 2 minutes per day Exercise 2 Decompress after work by discussing the most stressful parts of your day. This will prevent job frustration from spilling over into your home life. Also share your joys and successes. When it is your spouse’s turn to talk, resist the urge to give advice. Instead, be supportive and say you understand. Be a cheerleader for the joys and the challenges. 20 minutes per day Exercise 3 Once a day, spontaneously tell your spouse you appreciate something he or she has done or that you admire a certain quality in him or her. 5 minutes per day Exercise 4 Show affection outside the bedroom by occasionally kissing or touching. 5 minutes per day Exercise 5 Plan a date once a week, just like when you were single. Go someplace—just the two of you—and get reacquainted with each other. Once a week for at least 2 hours What You Do • 11
Page 1 and 2: The Utah Keys to a Healthy Marriage
Page 3 and 4: Congratulations! You’ve made a co
Page 5 and 6: pg. 31 pg. 5 pg. 41 Keys to a Succe
Page 7 and 8: How You Think How you think affects
Page 9 and 10: Commitment - From Me to We Another
Page 11: Let’s face it, no one is perfect!
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Page 19 and 20: The Big Red Flags Throughout your m
Page 21 and 22: Managing Your Marriage In this sect
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Page 27 and 28: Managing Children Having children i
Page 29 and 30: walking babies learn about the worl
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Page 33 and 34: Remarriages Myths & Realities About
Page 35 and 36: Determine the roles of the primary
Page 37 and 38: Find resources and use them early o
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Page 41 and 42: Issues That Hurt Relationships Subs
Page 43 and 44: Domestic Violence Domestic violence
Page 45 and 46: Two-thirds of women physically assa
Page 47 and 48: Other Resources Administration of C
Page 49 and 50: Please take a moment to provide fee
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