Bi•opic - Flagstaff Biking

Volume #1, Issue #5 Bi•opic : A semi-regular publication of Flagstaff Biking Organization Page 13
The road most traveled.
Embracing pretense for fun and salvation.
Real is easy to find. Real is everywhere. Terror is thwarted
in London. Floyd’s “B” sample is positive. Cycling icon Big
Johnny Kircher is resting uncomfortably after a car hit
him while he was riding on Lake Mary Road .Where does
it end? Isn’t there some appropriate fantasy or blissful
distraction that could give me the respite I need to cling
tenuously to reason in these dark times?
article continued from... Page 9
leg over the saddle and pedaling for a few hours, but
there are important applications that affect anyone
who pedals. Advocacy and trail access, of course, are
two major issues facing all mountain bikers today.
In that vein, it becomes important for all cyclists
to define who and what they are in order to unify
toward a common goal. The label we give ourselves
doesn’t necessarily have to be ‘counterculture,’ but it
does have to be something that suggests we are one
entity with common goals and common ways of life.
Counterculture seems to fit in this situation.
Why yes, yes there is. The answer, for me, lies in the world
of make believe, of childlike play-acting. My friends, I am
a cycling poseur and I couldn’t be more proud.
What’s that you say? You, too, are sick of keepin’ it real?
You, also, would like to indulge in a mostly harmless
fantasy? Fantastic. I’m here to help.
Though I’ve never fooled anyone but myself, I have
assembled a checklist that will allow you to seamlessly
begin acting like a grizzled veteran of the road racing
scene in 7 breathlessly quick steps. Join me, won’t you?
1.) Shave your legs and don’t talk about it. If you are an
otherwise moderately hairy guy and someone points
out that you have no hair on your legs, say, with a
measured amount of snide distain, “Dude, I race
road bikes”, then turn away and go back to drinking
your San Pellegrino. (Women, although you probably
won’t get any attention for shaving your legs, you
must work in the Snide Distain before taking another
sip of San Pellegrino)
2.) Drink San Pellegrino. Any mineral water will do, but
this one seems to carry inexplicable coolness.
3.) Make Dave Stoller proud and speak Italian. Randomly
insert words like “Ciao”, “Bellisimo”, and “Mario
Cippolini” into your sentences. Knowing what any of
these terms mean is completely optional.
4.) Carbon. Make your bike weigh less than your helmet.
Spare no expense. Get a second job if you have to.
Make your kids get careers in the exiting sweatshop
industry. While riding with others, point to your bike
and say, “Do you see that little screwy thing on the
end of my valve stem? Dude, that’s carbon”. (If you
are old enough to have a need for replacement body
parts, make those carbon, too.)
5.) Do not limit your lycra consumption. How can you
possibly look fast if you don’t dress exactly like the
fastest riders? Join a team; get all of the team gear.
Get bibs, jerseys, a wind vest, a rain jacket, arm
warmers, cap, socks, eye patch, whatever, as long as
it is plastered with sponsor’s logos and proudly worn
by actual fast people. If you can get away with it,
wear it to work.
6.) Get a farmer tan. If you are lucky enough to have
naturally darker skin, you can probably disregard
this, but if you are as pale as I am, you should shun
the real tan. Start with a huge bottle of low priced
fake tan lotion. Your “tan” should go from the bottom
of your shorts to the top of your socks and from the
bottom of your jersey sleeves to the top of you team
issue gloves. When you are naked, you should look
like you are wearing some sort of pasty, Euro-chic
weightlifting suit. Will this look sexy? I can’t believe
even have to ask.
7.) Don’t let civilians step to your Uber-Cool image. Our
happy little town is packed full of powerful women
and men who, I am told, ride lots. As a Poseur, you
don’t have that kind of time, but you still have to be
representin’ or all of this is for naught. So, when
some frat boy on his Huffy pulls up next to you at the
stop light on his way back from meeting his Rohipnal
connection, and he wants to see what you’ve got,
you must crush him. He will act like nothing is
happening, then sprint when the light turns green.
Get on his wheel, take a breath, fly by him with your
mouth closed, and keep hammering until you find a
place to turn off and collapse. Vomit in private.
We are not a nation of rebels or anarchists battling for
the right to our own authenticity. We are micro-trend
conformists looking for some graceful sense of belonging
in the parts of the world that fit us best. That being said,
I’m certain that if one were to apply all of these steps,
adding in several personal touches, applying your own
creative sense, and carefully following your own vision,
you could turn out to be just the same as everyone else,
but completely different and oddly unique. I can’t believe
you even have to ask. Ciao!
Contact: perry@summitvelo.com
A more life or death situation hinges on our unity as
cyclists and our notoriety as a counterculture, and
it’s one that has affected many Flagstaff locals both
on and off the bike. As any cyclist knows, there exists
a certain mentality amongst many motorists that the
road belongs solely to them and that bicyclists are
unwelcome. This may seem like a silly triviality, but
here in Flagstaff, where cyclists flock and thrive, it’s
a very real and a very dangerous threat. There have
been deaths very recently as a result of a motorist
hitting a cyclist, not to mention several ‘close calls’
and other frightening stories of aggressive motorists
or traffic accidents involving bicycles. Why does this
apply to the idea of a counterculture? Again, the
idea of unity among those defining themselves as
a counterculture becomes pivotal in responding to
such stories. How many times do we need to hear
about a driver getting slapped on the wrist for killing
a cyclist before it becomes an injustice large enough
for us to unite against?
Maybe defining ourselves as a counterculture is
less important than simply owning up to the fact
that our livelihoods revolve around something we
cherish and something that can be, for all intents
and purposes, taken from us if we do not formulate
a collective voice. Yes, there are cyclists who live
their lives against the norms of society, and yes, the
bike is often the catalyst for such lifestyles, but in the
end, the bicycle is only that unifying thread among
diverse people. While cycling itself may never be
an official counterculture, it can and should be the
impetus for change, the catalyst for those diverse
peoples to unite for what is important to cyclists: trail
access, safety on the roadways, and maybe someday,
the notoriety as a valid and planet-healthy way to
commute. With a collective voice comes power,
and with power comes the ability to implement
change; as a community of cyclists, it seems almost
imperative that we give ourselves a voice, whether
that be a voice of concerned individuals, or that of
a counterculture. And, in the end, aren’t those two
labels really the same thing?
Contact: d_cavallari@yahoo.com