Boss_Winter_2013-14

BOSS MAGAZINE LIFESTYLE
Saying F-You
Last year I was driving my brother to
work. I had accidentally left his computer
on overnight and provided him with a
very lame apology. This minor thing came
up during our drive, and snowballed into
a shouting match, leading to both of us
saying some pretty awful things. Once I
dropped him off, I thought that would
be the last time we ever spoke again.
There was nothing that could be done
to remedy the situation. The words we
said were out there now, with no going
back. I didn’t ever want to remember the
conversation, so I erased it (and him) from
my memory. In one fleeting moment, my
whole landscape had changed. My mom
urged for us to confront and figure out
the problem, but we didn’t. Obviously,
parents always know best, and it took 4
gruelling months to learn how to forgive
myself and my brother. The idea of
forgiveness is a strange one - that is to
stop feeling resentful or indignant to
someone who has wronged you, even
if they have not apologized or made up
for their actions. Yet, forgiveness is a
valuable tool, so underused and often
forgotten in our age, that it seems
outdated and pointless.
The phrase “forgive and forget” floats
around a lot, but it’s a phrase that truly
fits the cliché of “easier said than done.”
To wholly forgive someone for a heinous,
almost unspeakable action is mentally
exhausting, and many often don’t do
it, instead internalizing the feelings and
brooding something dark and even more
hurtful within themselves.
How one person affected
by trauma took a simple
one-word idea and used it
to instill change and
progress within the
youth of Toronto
Broaching the idea of forgiveness,
especially for youth, is difficult. It’s so
much easier to ignore or seek revenge
on those who have wronged you, yet it
is those exact actions that instead create
more despair and depression. F-You: The
Forgiveness Project is an organization/
speaker series created by Tara Muldoon
that encourages our generation and
those to come, to be mindful of those
who have hurt you, viewing all possible
perspectives of conflict and emotional
strife. “What would it look like if you
forgive yourself or another today?” is
the question Tara wants to pose to the
world. F-You is an idea first formed
and implemented in the UK under
the moniker The Forgiveness Project,
and transferred by Tara into a Toronto
setting. The UK based Forgiveness
Project hosted an art show at the
University of Toronto in which Tara
attended, and the ideals presented
resonated so deeply with her that she
decided to convey the morals in her own
way at home, hoping to instill the same
reaction in the population of Toronto.
I had a chance to discuss F-You with Tara,
and the inspiration comes from a dark
point in Tara’s life.
“I was on the journey of coming to terms
with a sexual assault; the art show [at U
of T] touched me in a profound way.”
This idea of forgiveness, simple it may
be in theory, impacted Tara so much
that she was determined to spread the
word, literally. Tara hopes forgiveness
By Max Greenwood
to it all
can bring peace to anyone harmed by
violence, sexual assault, or anything that
has negatively affected the individual.
Tara began hosting F-You events in
December of 2010, drawing in 49
attendees who wanted to discuss the
unforgettable things that had happened
to them, and the struggle to cope and
move on.
“To be honest, I don’t really do anything”
says Tara. “It’s the speakers - when
you have a peer sitting in front of you
speaking about overcoming trauma/
heartbreak/addiction/etc., the strength
is contagious.”
All of us are constantly surrounded by
conflict of some kind, whether real life
or depicted in the media. Some of us are
affected directly, having lost friends or
family; others indirectly, yet the pain and
emotion is all-to-real, and Tara set out to
turn this trauma into a positive project.
Forgiving others is important, but selfforgiveness
is a major talking point as
well. Many people act impulsively and
cannot forget something done in a fit
of passion or emotion. Forgiving oneself
is often more difficult then forgiving
someone else. Reliving those “I could
have handled it better” moments is
draining. This is why Tara invites both
victims and perpetrators of violent acts
to speak. We are a collection of every
“what if” we have ever thought, some
fortunate and some destructive, so
confronting them in F-You’s positive
space, surrounded by like-minded peers,
is an excellent approach to the difficult
task of answering those what-ifs.
Victims of sexual assault, ex-gang
members, and others who seek answers
attend the F-You meetings and tell their
raw stories. The original discussion group
has grown extensively since its inception,
and averages an astounding return rate
of over 85%. “Real recognizes real,” Tara
surmises. “I believe people come back
because of our calibre of speakers.” The
real goal of the F-You discussion series
is to produce “logical, preventable antiviolence
tactics,” but Tara has much
more in mind, hoping to one day change
the meaning of “F-you” to mean “forgive
you.” However, when I first read F-You,
I had something else in mind, something
a bit more hostile. “Fuck you” seems like
the first thing to say to someone who has
wronged you, but anger seems like a step
in the wrong direction when it comes to
forgiveness. Tara has another thought.
“I believe anger is healthy. When we
are hurt or wronged, we have to go
through a process to find peace. I would
never and could never judge anyone
for being mad when pain occurs.” F-You
aims to create talking points around
this anger, presenting the idea that
even if forgiveness seems too distant
a thought, it is still possible. Still, anger
cannot be a crutch.
“I do feel there is a point when anger
can take over our lives, which becomes
unhealthy and can manifest addictions
[and] hate.” Tara seems to convey that
anger is normal, but being consumed by
anger (or any emotion for that matter) is
not. Finding ways to come to terms with
these overpowering feelings is the key
motive behind F-You.
This idea of being consumed with anger
brings up an interesting topic, one Tara
has debated endlessly. Is there such a
thing as an unforgivable action? “In my
experience,” says Tara, “I have yet to find
anything unforgivable. I really believe
that with my whole heart.” Although
I personally agree with Tara - there is
always a way to move past an action,
despite its consequences on your life -
forgiveness is not universal. Everyone
does not forgive the same way, and
some may not be want to forgive at all.
“We discuss the [unforgivable] question
openly to create conversation - never,
ever to judge.” This question contributes
to the key factors and appeal of
F-You: creating touchy talking points,
encouraging speakers to present their
personal stories, and seeking acceptance
and comfort in a group atmosphere.
F-You was not created to tell exactly how
to face your source of problems though,
as this process differs for each attendee.
“Confrontation is absolutely not
necessary, in my experience,” Tara says.
“I will never be able to speak directly to
the man who assaulted me. I forgave him
for me, not for him.”
In a way, Tara encapsulates the entire
message of F-You with this sentence.
You do not enter with the intent of fully
forgiving someone by the end, removing
them from your mind and continuing on,
happy now, with your life. Forgiveness
is a tool, to be practiced and used more
and more throughout your life.
“Hurt people hurt people...I don’t believe
F-You can save the world, but I’ve had
multiple people tell me that F-You has
kept [them] from shooting a gun and
also taking their own lives.” Forgiveness
creates relief and cultivates personal
growth. There may never be finalized
conclusions to the conflicts these
speakers present, but changing the way
these conflicts are thought about is a
major step.
Building upon these ideals, Tara and
F-You recently published a book, based
on the format that occurs at the speaker
series. Real people submit stories
involving forgiveness; this way, those
who are not comfortable speaking in
person can instead share their stories
with a pen and paper. The book, F-You:
The Forgiveness Project - Memoirs of
Violence and Compassion, published
in August 2013, is the first in a series
aimed to spread the word of forgiveness
throughout the world.
“So many people doubted me that
youth would write about forgiveness”
says Tara. “It’s been incredibly inspiring
to see all the authors tell their stories.”
The City of Toronto helped fund the
book, and another is slated to be
published soon, this time dealing with
grief and forgiveness specifically. After
that, Tara hopes to focus on addiction.
In the meantime, F-You continues to
hold speaker series and present their
admirable message, visiting universities,
community centres, and anyone that will
have them. Tara even visited Rome, and
gave Pope Francis a copy of the book.
“I hope he gives us a review,” jokes Tara.
Even if he doesn’t, it’s refreshing to see
someone who holds such a culturally
valued (albeit a bit archaic) position
involving themselves in something
so pertinent to all facets of society,
showing again how far-reaching and
valuable the cause is.
Still, forgiving is an everyday struggle.
“Forgiveness can get gritty and
complicated,” says Tara. “I have yet to
experience someone speaking about
an easy forgiveness experience.” Tara
created F-You to guide through this
complex process of forgiveness, letting
us listen to those who have suffered
from and even perpetrated terrible acts.
Never forget to forgive - it will make
you a stronger person and allow you to
grow and help others. F-You reminded
me of this: I let a fight with my brother
drag on for too long once, and I nearly
lost my relationship with him. I imagined
what life would be like without having
him around, to ask for favours, to hang
out with, to learn from. I could not deal
with the thought of losing that part of
my life. I imagined myself forgiving him,
and knew it had to happen, so faced my
fears and said F-you to it all.
WINTER 2013 BOSS MAGAZINE
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