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<strong>Buddhas</strong> <strong>and</strong> <strong>Bikinis</strong> 34<br />
Imagine the depth of my feelings to want to do that. I have never said it<br />
before in my life!<br />
What is the use of me imagining myself to be a mother to your child<br />
if her father doesn’t love me? How is our child going to see me in ten<br />
years time, <strong>and</strong> what would she say if you left? I guess she will become<br />
distrustful of people. I know that if we are still together when our child is<br />
15, <strong>and</strong> we split up then, she will ask me, ‛Why couldn’t you love my<br />
father enough to make him stay,’ to which I could only reply, ‛Because he<br />
didn’t love me.’ There is nothing without love, <strong>and</strong> everything with it.<br />
It saddens me that you might read this <strong>and</strong> feel only disgust without<br />
also feeling what I may be going through. Can you imagine that I feel<br />
ashamed to have to write this letter because I am unable to communicate<br />
it to you in any other way? I see myself as a failure, someone who is<br />
scared to be without you, but who’d rather walk away from the one great<br />
love she has found in her life, than try to survive without that love being<br />
reciprocated? They say that true love is a capacity to love regardless of<br />
how the other person feels about you. To love your enemy even if they<br />
hate you, but I am not a great person. Far from it! Because I am selfish<br />
in my love, I ask too much of you; to be with me, to share your life with<br />
me, to be my lover <strong>and</strong> partner. I realise there is an addiction in my love<br />
for you, that it is impossible to ignore you, to not love you, but the pain of<br />
not having you in my life is great. I know you will see this expression of<br />
love as a burden, but it is not meant to be. I have, in the past, been told<br />
by others that they love me, but I have had the courage to say I don’t love<br />
them. And whatever they feel as a result, at least they know where I<br />
st<strong>and</strong>. If this letter is a burden to you, it means quite simply that you<br />
don’t love me, because love shouldn’t be a burden.<br />
You don’t have to carry another person. Love asks only that you hold<br />
their h<strong>and</strong>. Cuddle them if they cry, nurse them when sick, change their<br />
nappy if their dirty. But would you say your love, your sleepless nights<br />
<strong>and</strong> tired days were a burden if that love were about our child? That is<br />
love in its greatest form, which you show me amply <strong>and</strong> constantly in<br />
your attentiveness to orphaned <strong>and</strong> injured animals. And I don’t expect<br />
as much from you, because I can never be compared to a dog. No woman
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