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WEDDING BELLS, HELL, AND A GOOD TIME G etting married never made my ‘must do’ list as a young girl. I wanted a career, and coming from a female dominated family, men were somewhat superfluous to lifelong goals and aspirations. After I broke my neck at age 17, I thought I’d never get married, which didn’t bother me too much at the time. I was more upset at no longer being able to do obscene hand gestures at other motorists whilst driving (only in emergencies mind!). A year past, and once I learnt the art of applying eyeliner with both hands, boys were soon lining up to court me (initially to my surprise and suspicion … did they have a wheelchair fetish I wondered?). Prior to meeting my husband, I was engaged to a sweet lad although we never got around to the actual wedding part. I’m good at organising a dinner party but organising a wedding was simply too scary and there was too much hard work involved – I am a lazy social organiser and obviously don’t have the standard ‘wedding’ gene that the majority of woman possess. Then Jon came along. Perhaps it was the fact I had hit 30, but suddenly a wedding didn’t seem like such a scary beast, and when Jon casually suggested we tie the knot over Christmas while my good friend from Calgary was in New Zealand, I agreed to do it. With a couple of months up our sleeves, we relaxed and figured there would be plenty of time to sort things out. I knew a white dress was out of the question due to my slap-happy masticating skills, so I decided on a dark green Indian dress. The dress was hunted down by a warm and gracious doctor, who informed me getting a green dress from India wasn’t the easiest of tasks due to green being a traditional Pakistan wedding colour (apparently there have been a few issues between India and Pakistan). A month before the wedding, I had my $300 authentic Indian dress with jewellery and as far as I was concerned, the rest would sort itself out. I was determined the wedding wouldn’t leave us entrenched in an ocean of debt, so we did everything on a tight budget. I even asked the guests to ‘bring a plate’ on their invitations. I also wanted to keep the guest list to a bare minimum. Although my family are close, we aren’t big breeders and weddings are not seen as important events. Jon being a pom, meant many of his family were overseas and were also unable to make it. I breathed a sigh of relief. Probably my greatest fear of getting married was walking down the isle and having one hundred eyes transfixed on my constipated giraffe-looking walk. Luckily we had a guest list of approximately 50 people - this I could cope with… just. We had also decided to have the ceremony up north in Whangarei at Jon’s mums place. An avid gardener, Ruth (Jons mum) began planting lots of flowers in her two acre garden. She had also organised some work mates to help out with extra food, and had put us onto a celebrant who worked with her and could give us a good deal on ‘mates rates’. All that was needed was the marquee in case of rain and I figured everything was ready to go. We arrived up north with our precious childdog, Meesa, and began finalising little details like what Jon was going to wear, and how I was going to get a spray tan without taking my clothes off. I conceded to wearing a paper g-string and was basted like a turkey – not the most dignified of experiences but the effect was worth. What initially was assumed would be a leisurely week of sunbathing and sorting out wedding tit-bits, soon grew into an untamed beast. We had irate relatives barking out orders on where they would stay during the wedding… hadn’t we organised this for them?…oops. Then there was what the groom would wear, and with only one day to shop before everything closed for Christmas, frantic choices were made and a costume was thrown together haphazardly. Shoes became a nightmare and although I was keen on traipsing down the aisle in my socks, others were not so keen with the idea. Suddenly everyone was in panic stations. Tears were shed, arguments were exchanged, and sleep became a distant memory. But we made it to the day of the wedding all in one piece – minus a few brain cells. I had decided not to use the wheelchair at the wedding. The ceremony was outside on grass which made it impractical, and I wanted to make use of the wedding dress which 8 7
WEDDING BELLS, HELL, AND A GOOD TIME Continued bared my freshly tanned midriff. We had an evening ceremony which meant after the formal vows, everyone was able to trot off to the marquee which stood 10 meters away, and gorge themselves on the feast prepared. In terms of the ceremony itself, everything went smoothly, apart from my skirt which tripped me up down the aisle. We said our vowels and had a quick kiss although unfortunately my darling Jon had not brushed his teeth due to time constraints, so my thoughts lay in the bacteria count littered in his mouth and not ‘in the moment of the kiss’. At 2am, a very weary, drunk and newly married Claire hit the bed and promptly fell asleep. I can’t say I loved the whole experience, although there were good bits. We had underestimated how much work is involved in planning a wedding, and both of us were close to nervous breakdowns up until the event. On the up side, it was a good test of the relationship. I am determined never to go through it again though and for everyone who re-does their vowels, I say you are crazy. For those contemplating a wedding, good luck or the best advice I can give is to elope. End note. I must admit, this die-hard feminist will conclude by saying that marriage does bring a sense of comfort, much like a warm fart nestled in your pants. We now share a close bond, and I guess you could say our love for each other has grown and spread, ironing out the jagged little pieces that once snagged the relationship. However, let it be said, as much as I love and respect my husband Jon, he will never, ever see me going to the toilet. CLAIRE MACKIE Expenses Wedding clothes Dress $300 Grooms outfit $100 Food $300 Alcohol $1000 Hirage of tent, port-a-loo and chairs $800 Invites $120 Rings $2000 Celebrant $200 Airfares and dog travel $1000 Total: $5820 (and that’s doing it on the cheap!) 9
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