Gays & Lesbians Under the Chupah - Keshet

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"We're very religious people, Jan and Heather and I," says Ileen. "We're at temple every Fridaynight for services. Even when Heather was a baby, we went. I wheeled her there in her stroller. So,not to have had a wedding ceremony would have been wrong."Having a rabbi bless our union meant God was with us and we could accomplish anything," sheadds.A former Catholic, Jan converted to Judaism with 650 friends and family in attendance atStephen Wise Free Synagogue on Manhattan's Upper West Side. All three are active members.Jan serves on numerous committees and sings in the choir. Ileen was named volunteer of the yearlast year, and Heather, who sings in the junior choir, will celebrate her bat mitzvah there next fall.Ileen and Jan's primary concern is Heather's well-being. Ileen had adopted her before she metJan. Should Ileen die, Jan would be Heather's legal guardian, and that would open the door forJan to adopt Heather. But they have opted not to seek legal co-parent adoption, which wouldgive them equal parental status. Until recently, co-parent adoption by gays and lesbians in NewYork was an iffy thing, with no guarantees that the judge would grant it. "Heather is old enoughnow to know what's going on," says Ileen. "It would be devastating to her if a judge ruled Jan wasnot her mother, too."Sophia and DeborahSophia, 40,* and Deborah, 49,* took the risks of petitioning for co-parent adoption aftersharing a Jewish home together in Manhattan for eight years and raising Rachel,* now 5, frombirth. Following a long, arduous process, Deborah won the right to be Rachel's co-parent inOctober 1995.* signifies the person has chosen to use a name other than his/her own."Rachel has rights to me now. She can't be taken away," says Deborah.During Shabbat services following their successful co-parent adoption, Sophia and Deborah'srabbi began her sermon, "Moses had two mommies....""One of the other kids called out, 'Hey Rachel, just like you!'"Sophia recalls. "Then our rabbi called the three of us up to the bimah for a blessing. Thecongregation threw candy at us and danced with us around the sanctuary. It was such a sweetnight. And that was our commitment ceremony. From that point on I felt we were a secure family."David and Alex
To David Stein, 54, president of Congregation Sha'ar Zahav in San Francisco, and his life partnerAlex Ingersoll, 49, a religious wedding ceremony might have made sense twenty-two years agohadeither one even thought of it.The two met as graduate students at the University of Illinois' Champaign-Urbana campus duringthe mid-'70s."It was a time when individual freedoms and free thinking were cherished-especially on a collegecampus," David recalls. "But it also was a time when gays were often referred to as 'confirmedbachelors' or 'the uncle that never married.'"Although neither was openly "out," Alex says there was an undefinable connection between thetwo."So I invited him over to my house for dinner," he says. "And he still hasn't gone home."For four years, "home" was Israel, where David continued his graduate studies. During their stayin Israel, Alex says, he was drawn to Judaism. "It was the first time since I was ten that I had anyspiritual connection," he says. He converted thirteen years ago.In the twenty-two years they've been together, David and Alex say an evolution has been ongoingamong gays and lesbians regarding commitment ceremonies. In fact, they have attended andserved as witnesses at a number of such ceremonies, which, David says, can bring the couplecloser and bring the congregation closer to the couple."But for us, our ceremony of commitment was coming 'out' to our friends as a couple," David says."It was a series of events-of introductions. And at this point in our life together, a standingunder-the-chupahceremony would be for the outside world. Right now it would be a recommitmentceremony.""After twenty-two years, if you don't feel committed...." Alex says. "But I can appreciate a newcouple having a ceremony to make a statement about their relationship. It was very important tome that my family understand that David has the same slot in the family as my brother's wife. Hehas automatic inclusion and respect. Maybe, for some, a ceremony encourages thatunderstanding."David and Alex did, however, decide to apply for a domestic partnership certificate through theSan Francisco clerk recorder's office, which they received this spring. For city employees, thismeans partners can share in city benefits. For those not employed by the city, it merely means
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Gays & Lesbians Under the Chupah - Keshet

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