ROMEO AND JULIET DRAMATIS PERSONAE ESCALUS: prince of ...

MERCUTIO The pox of such antic, lisping, affectingfantasticoes; these new tuners of accents! 'By Jesu, avery good blade! a very tall man! a very good whore!'Why, is not this a lamentable thing, grandsire, that weshould be thus afflicted with these strange flies, thesefashion-mongers, these perdona-mi's, who stand somuch on the new form, that they cannot at ease on theold bench? O, their bones, their bones![Enter ROMEO from 6]BENVOLIO Here comes Romeo, here comes Romeo.MERC Without his roe, like a dried herring: [sniffingthe air around him as he comes up the steps] flesh,flesh, how art thou fishified! Signior Romeo, bon jour!there's a French salutation to your French slop. Yougave us the counterfeit fairly last night.ROMEO Good morrow to you both. Whatcounterfeit did I give you?MERCUTIO The slip, sir, the slip; can you notconceive?ROM Pardon, good Mercutio, my business was great;and in such a case as mine a man may strain courtesy.MERC That's as much as to say, such a case as yoursconstrains a man to bow in the hams.ROMEO Meaning, to court'sy.MERCUTIO Thou hast most kindly hit it.ROMEO A most courteous exposition.MERCUTIO Nay, I am the very pink of courtesy.ROMEO Pink for flower. [Flower, in this case,being an image for a woman’s genitalia.]MERCUTIO Right. [Amused and suspicious; hasa sense of what he’s getting at]ROMEO: [Grabs her playfully and grinds his crotchinto her] Why, then is my pump well flowered.MERC [Laughing, shocked and delighted to see himplaying at last] Come between us, good Benvolio; mywits faint. Thy wit is a very bitter sweeting; it is amost sharp sauce.ROMEO: And is it not well served in to a sweetgoose?MERC Why, is not this better now than groaning forlove; now art thou sociable, now art thou Romeo; nowart thou what thou art, by art as well as by nature: forthis drivelling love is like a great natural, that runslolling up and down to hide his bauble in a hole.BENVOLIO: [Laughing, but that is entirely too muchinformation] Stop there, stop there.MERCUTIO: [Wrapping herself around Benvolio]Thou desirest me to stop in my tale against the hair.BENVOLIO: [Joining in the innuendo] Thou wouldstelse have made thy tale large.ROMEO: Here's goodly gear! [Enter NURSE from 8]MERCUTIO A sail, a sail!NURSE Give ye good morrow, gentlemen.MERCUTIO God ye good den, fair gentlewoman.NURSE Is it good den?MERC 'Tis no less, I tell you, for the bawdy hand of thedial is now upon the prick of noon. [Grabs Benvolio’scrotch, hoping to shock a reaction out of theNurse.]NURSE [Offended]Out upon you! what a woman are you![Mercutio and Benvolio fall apart laughing, leaving Romeothe unenviable task of diplomacy.]ROM One, gentlewoman, that God hath made for herself tomar.NURSE [Archly] By my troth, it is well said; 'for herself tomar,'quoth he'? Gentlemen, can any of you tell me where Imay find the young Romeo?ROMEO: I can tell you; but young Romeo will be olderwhen you have found him than he was when you soughthim: I am the youngest of that name, for fault of a worse.NURSE [Mollified and impressed] You say well.MERCUTIO Yea, is the worst well? very well took, i' faith;wisely, wisely.NURSE If you be he, sir, I desire some confidence with youBENVOLIO [Howling, remembering the results of thelast supper Romeo was invited to] She will invite him tosome supper.MERCUTIO [Almost unable to breathe with laughter,rolling around on the ground] A bawd, a bawd, a bawd! soho! [Crawls on top of Benvolio and mimes having sex withhim, which only makes them both laugh harder.]ROMEO: [Stoutly trying to ignore the antics of his friends]What hast thou found?MERC [Turning and considering the Nurse’s crotchpointedly] No hare, sir; unless a hare, sir, in a lenten pie,that is something stale and hoar ere it be spent.[Sings] An old hare hoar,And an old hare hoar,Is very good meat in lentBut a hare that is hoarIs too much for a score,When it hoars ere it be spent.[Ironically, teasing Romeo] Romeo, will you come to yourfather's? we'll to dinner, thither. [Oh, yeah, that’s greatnews…]ROMEO: [Resigned; anything to get rid of them] I willfollow you.MERCUTIO Farewell, ancient lady; farewell,[Singing] 'lady, lady, lady.'[Exeunt MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO, laughing]NURSE Marry, farewell! I pray you, sir, what saucymerchant was this, that was so full of her ropery?ROM A lady, nurse, that loves to hear herself talk, and willspeak more in a minute than she will stand to in a month.NURSE [Feistier now that Mercutio is gone] An she speakany thing against me, I'll take her down, an she were lustierthan she is, and twenty such Jacks; and if I cannot, I'll findthose that shall.Scurvy wretch! I am none of her flirt-gills; I amnone of her skains-mates. Now, afore God, I am so vexed,that every part about me quivers. [Collecting herself at last]Pray you, sir, a word and as I told you, my young lady bade11