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FUNNY GIRLFUNNY GIRLOUT OF THECLOSETDAWN FRENCH HEADS TO NEWCASTLE TO OPEN A HITHERTOLOCKED CUPBOARD DOOR ON HER 56 YEARS ON PLANET EARTHYOU DON’T GET TOBE SPHERICAL LIKETHIS WITHOUT LIKINGEATING THINGSDawn French gives her body partscelebrity pseudonyms. Theseinclude her bosoms, which shecalls Ant and Dec because theymisbehave. Her body - fat andsometimes less fat, but generallyfat - seems to be a national nearobsession,but she’s very relaxedabout it. Her shape will get a mentionin her forthcoming solo shows at TheMill Volvo Tyne Theatre (September26 and 27), as will reflections onher childhood in Wales, her father’ssuicide when she was 19, and earlyfashion mistakes (hot pants whena chubby 13). The show is moremonologue than stand-up, an insightinto a woman who says she hasalways kept her true personality“locked in a cupboard under thestairs so no-one else can see it ornick it.” It seems the cupboard dooris about to open.On her early stage persona:“Our [French and long-time comedypartner Jennifer Saunders] firstdouble act after university wascalled The Menopause Sisters, it wascringeworthy. The manager of the clubwe played later said, ‘There was no starquality about them at all’.”On her body: “If I had been aroundwhen Reubens was painting, I wouldhave been revered as a fabulous model.Kate Moss? She would have beenthe paintbrush.”On telly: “I watch schlock telly. Thingslike the Kardashians. I love it. It’s myguilty pleasure.”On gender: “Funny how women areashamed of their inner fairy whereasmen are forever proudly displaying theirinner cowboy or fireman.”On her father’s death: “[His suicide]went off like a bomb went off in ourfamily. I still have sadness about it.Massive sadness. And I think it’s been acentre point of my life.”On food: “Eating is a lovely thing to do.We love tasting things. You don’t getto be spherical like this without likingeating things.”On God: “The Vicar of Dibley was a‘love-full’ thing to do and I’ve discoveredI’m a bit Quaker. Well, I’ve bobbed into afew meetings. I like respecting the god inmyself and my god in me recognising thegod in you. Whatever that might be...”Mill Volvo Tyne Theatre, September 26-27, www.millvolvotynetheatre.co.uk12 WWW.GETINTONEWCASTLE.CO.UKWWW.GETINTONEWCASTLE.CO.UK13