Volume 35 Number 02 - University of the Witwatersrand

The SeYenLabourst,r.srrsr,srJanuary 1983 GeorgeSchultz jets to Asia to sellAmerican missile plans to thesceptical Chinese. GeorgeBush, US Vice-President tellsthe German Bundestat 'Anattack on vou is an attack onus. Ano Nurden A Scatomais accepted by the Wits ArtsFaculty.Nurden had a fine schoolcareer. No only was he head boyof his primary school for threeyears. but he also held theenvious title of lst team chessscorer, and was chief bombardierof 'A' Battalion of hisYouth Preparedness division.He matriculated with a distinctionin bookkeeping. havingfinally mastered the intricaciesofadvanced cash book entrv. lnthe interests of furthering thisbroad education his parentsdecided to send him to Wits.They really prel'erred theLondon School of Economics.but it isn't on the bus route.It was raining lightly as youngScatoma mounted the GreatHall steps, en route to registration.Twenty minutes later hewas on his way down completewith timetables, book-lists and'The Hazards of Drug-Taking'.In record time our aspirant BAstudent had registered for 3rdyear electrical engineeringmajoring in Quantum Electronicsand Magnetics.Dazzled by the glare ofsunrays reflected off the librarywindows Nurden experiencedhis first encounter with theOrientation sensation. Bleatinghelplessly a flock ol' frightenedl'irst years stormed past himtowards the Great Hall. herdedon by a magaphone wieldingDavid Cohen.0n hrs lett SHA (the Sun CityHellenic Association) to hisright SAMJS (The SouthAflican Minyan of Jewish Students).In the spirit of freeenterprise both had foundedflourishing fast food franchises- Souvlakia in Pitta wildlyoutselling Boba's own Falafal atthe SAMJS stand.Twelve years of ChristianNational Education had notprepared Nurden for this totalonslaught against his senses. Exneriencinuan extreme l'eelinu o{of Nurden-/nausca (in the true existentialistmeaning of the word), Nurdenhurtled into the nearest doorway.Darkness enveloped him.Suddenly he saw a flash of light.Then another. He blinked. Fiveminutes later he emerged fromthe Photo-booth and calmlymade his way down to theca nteen.Nursing hunger pains andhaving lel't his Bovril andcondensed milk sandwiches athome N urden settle down toa hearty plate ofchips and gravy.An old school chum, Horace. satdown next to him.H orace is trying desperately tomake an arrangement to meetNurden at a mutually agreeabletime. Horace, being a fellow BAstudent has an average of threelectures a day (one of which willsubsequently be cancelled by aPolitical Science lecturer whoenjoys sleeping late). lt is slowlydawning on Nurden that notonly should a BA student havemore than one free period aweek. but he should also not(unless he gains special dispensationfrom the Senate) have acompulsory double-tut onFriday afternoons entitled 'Cetto know your neutron'.Alas the horrid truth hasfinally grabbed our friend by theshort and curlies.Seeing his compatriot as closeto suicide as a goldfish out for astroll. Horace - adrenalinpumping - allowed cool logic totake control and quick as a flashhe fucked off.Then, slowly and silently,acrid fumes rising from the plateof coagulated gravy. began togather and take shape. There. infront of a stupefied Nurden, thelegends of the Hebridean monksbecame a reality. One canforgive Nurden fbr any confusionthat accompanied thisglowing vision. At first hethought that the figure risingfrom the plate was his dear U ncleMorton who had disappearedwhilst on safari in Congo andwas last heard ofas an ingredientfor a savoury casserole. lt rvas,only when he heard the voicethat Nurden knew his life rvouldnever be the same again. It wasonly then that he realized thatthe tooth fairy was not a gaydentist.'Nurden, be thou not afeared,for the spirit of the chips shallalways guard thy shoulder. Thoushalt fear no mortals for theyshall knobble at the knees. forthe sauce is with you.'.At this point it might behelpful to introduce the Econnomictheory of suPPlY anddemand, which basicallY nreansthat you paY through the nosefor anything You get. It mightalso be interesting to note that insettling his side of the bargain.Nuroen would- probably comeoff worst since the only othertime that he had been propositionedin this fashion was when afar more tangible apparition.wearing patent leather hotpants.had confronted him in a darkalley in Beit Street.The above encounter provedto be one of the rare exceptionsto Economic theory in thatNurden actually contracted morethan he paid for.And here comes the catch:The wondrous vision lifted itshead. belched and continued.'Nurden, my son. desPair theenot for the gosPel according toLust shall bear its fruit. Thou artchosen from all the multitudes toprosper and flourish. ThY trueworth shall be confirmed. Thoushalt be the average student.Poor little Nurden (all oftwelve cubits high in lact)listened speechless as his fateunfolded.'Thy path shall be thorny andthy travels l'raught rvith untoldperils. Bend thec not in the faceof danger; and squeeze not thypimples, for the sauce is withyou. Go forth, O Nurden in thebidding ol'thy master. Fulfil hislabours seven as commandedHere follows a hastilvscribbled transcript ol' rhelabou rs.ln his catotonic stage, Nurdenhad not noticed the humanincarnation of Tolkien's Hobbitcreeping up behind him. Swil'tlyand silently the canteen cleanerwhisked his plate away andscraped chips, gravy, vision andseventh labour into the bin.Nurden blinked.What was the seventhlabour? Was the visionmerely a Metaphysicshonours project? Whois the mYsteriousHorace and why was hewearing a dress? Was(:L-)\.ryt€ trr'S.q. ..,lj')fqrk,;ilnin !{t'hg,,,/ds*i(rre o{ ti4rsiu/.: . _,._-.*,*, :. I ...,"r. * oi)Eatlqnatr in lot,tri(an|eettz (n.L slqltqsir,r,A!6