Counselling ColumnWith Leonie SchillingLeonie is a qualified private practitioner.For appointments please phone 3886 2715 or0423 653 841E-mail: leonieschilling@bigpond.comHi Leonie,I‘m a lady in my 50s and have tried lots of your strategies over theyears with; I have to say, good results. In the 70s I believe that I waspretty optimistic about life, in the 80s I lost myself to raising my kidsand 7 years ago I started to study. At first I studied Animal Husbandryand found that I hated it so then I did a Diploma of Justice hoping toget into the police force but found that they didn’t want me due tofitness issues. I have been on several different interviews with no joboffered. This is just some background. Basically everything I try turnsto crap pie.I feel jinxed and that I am becoming more and more pessimistic inlife, always expecting the worst. My husband and I went to couplescounselling 4 years ago and one of the main themes that my husbandwanted to change with the marriage is my pessimism. He said that it istough living with a naysayer and black cloud generator. For instance,he wants to do touring and road trips but I just know that things willgo to hell. Car troubles, getting lost, illness or something. Now I doagree with him because I see it myself but the organisation wherewe got counselling were good at telling us what was wrong but nothow to fix it. So this is where you come in. You always give things forpeople to do or try and so I would like to know how to stop or at leastmanage my pessimistic outlook. I would like you not to go downthe gratitude diary or positive affirmation road as I have tried thisand I have found much to be grateful for - yet my pessimism in lifecontinues to grow. Help!Debbie/KallangurHello Debbie,To my mind there are two main issues here. One is your "Internal(what you think) and External (what you say) Dialogue" and the otheris "Faulty Thinking". Let’s look at your dialogue first. We humans attachmeaning to words as well as circumstances and words are powerful.For instance you start your email by saying that you lost yourself toraising your kids. Now you didn’t disappear or go into suspendedanimation. <strong>The</strong> meaning you may have attached to this statementis that during the child raising years, you were not important. Now ifyou changed this statement to something like “I was busy raising myfamily and being a good mother in the 80’s” the meaning attached tothe statement changes. Here’s another example. Suppose a baby wasput out in the garbage at birth and a lady found the baby and lovedand raised the child. If she called her child "<strong>The</strong> Dustbin Baby" howmight this affect the self esteem of the child? However if she calledher baby “<strong>The</strong> Gift” how might this affect the self esteem of the child?Can you see how we can easily attach meaning to words and then thisin turn affects our experience of the same event?In <strong>The</strong>rapy, we call this “re storying” So if we meet someone who haslost job after job, has had a failed marriage, struggled in life, insteadof calling them a “Loser” and attach a meaning to all that this labelconjures up, we should call him “Resilient” and this would usuallychange our perception of the person. So I would encourage you tochange your dialogue about your life. Now secondly, let’s challengeyour faulty thinking:AGive the problem aname<strong>The</strong> Police Force didn’taccept meBGive your belief aboutthe problem meaning<strong>The</strong> Police Force don’twant me because I amnot their ideal type,unfit etc I studied fornothing, I failed again,things always turn tocrap pie for me. I’mjinxedCIndentify theConsequence of thisbeliefI’m not going to tryanything anymore. Italways fails.DChallenge the Beliefabout the problem.I didn’t look at all therequirements to bea police officer in thefirst place and focusedon the academicand not the physicalrequirements.EGive the problem aname now that youhave disputed theproblem<strong>The</strong> problem is thatI didn’t get intothe police forcebecause, I didn’tdo my homeworkwhen I chose thisvocational goal. I takeresponsibility andnext time I will betterresearch my options.<strong>The</strong>re is no jinx here, Ifailed to plan.AGive the problem anameMy husband wants totravel but I am fearfulthat everything will gowrongBGive your belief aboutthe problem meaning<strong>The</strong> car will breakdown, one of us willget sick and we will getlost and so on.I am jinxed.CIdentify theConsequence of thisbeliefI will not go touringand my husband willnot do something thatis important to him.DChallenge the Beliefabout the problem.Lots of people gotouring have a greattime. We could makesure that we doeverything to ensureour safety and health.E.G car service, allowextra money for theunforseen, get travelinsurance, make surewe both have a checkup, purchase a sat nav.We are just as capableas everyone else.EGive the problem aname now that youhave disputed theproblemMy problem is thatmy feelings of fearabout touring areout of proportion.Iifwe are well preparedmy husband will behappier and see thatI am willing to workat the relationshipeven if it meansputting myself inan uncomfortablesituation.I need to do thisto help break mypessimistic cycle.Dispute your faulty thinking regularly in this way and I believe thatyour pessimism will slowly turn to optimism.Til next week, Leonie<strong>The</strong> <strong>Messenger</strong> www.northlakesmessenger.com.au 18
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