Potomac

WellbeingHandling Family Dynamics During the HolidaysLocal experts offer suggestions on how to diffuse family tensions.By Marilyn CampbellThe AlmanacLast month, Linda and Tom Bullentraveled from Boston to Arlington,Va., to celebrate Thanksgivingwith their son Matt, daughterRachel and her partner Grace Knight.But Rachel Bullen, who spent weeks creatinga menu and coordinating a table settingthat would please even Martha Stewart,was deflated by one question from hermother.“Do you think you might be eating toomany carbs?” Linda Bullen asked as herdaughter scooped up a second helping ofpotatoes.“What I eat is none of your business,”Rachel Bullen responded. She spent the restof meal fuming in silence and feeling humiliatedin front of her partner and brother.Family dynamics — and the drama thatoften ensues — are often unwelcome, butfrequent guests at family gatherings duringthe holiday season. While spending timewith family can be a source of comfort, itcan also be fraught with anxiety. And themore people and dynamics involved, themore effort it takes to create or maintainharmony.“During the holidays, people who live farapart and are not part of one another’s dailylives often come together,” said Stacie B.Isenberg, Psy.D. “As a result … people coverlot of territory, catching up in a shortamount of time, instead of gradually asthings naturally happen throughout theyear. People give opinions without understandingall of the details.”Being aware of the feelings and emotionsGMU Chosen To Join Healthy Campus InitiativeGeorge Mason was recognized for itscommitment to health and wellness.By Marilyn CampbellThe Almanacof others can help minimize family conflicts,however. “Sensitivity allows us to tune into what others might be feeling at a particularmoment or in a particular situation,”said Katherine Knapp, Ph.D., a marriage andfamily therapist based in Burke, Va. “It helpsus make wise decisions about things thatmight say or decide not to say.”For example, Linda Bullen was concernedabout her daughter’s weight.“Rachel recently lost about 25 pounds,”she said. “As a teenager she’d been overweightand had self-esteem issues.” Shethought she was being a supportive andhelpful mother.Knapp says this is where sensitivity canreduce interpersonal tension, particularlyduring the holidays.“When family members are sensitive toeach other’s feelings, they think before theyspeak about how what they say might affectanother person’s feelings,” she said.“Even innocent comments or questions candamage a relationship when we speak fromour own perspective and don’t considerwhat another person might be feeling.”The pressure to create a perfect holidaycan exacerbate pre-existing difficulties aswell.“People are often stressed during the holidays,especially those preparing meals, havingout of town guests staying in theirhomes,” said Isenberg. “Guests can bestressed too, as they are staying in someoneelse’s home, don’t have their own space,and are operating according to someoneelse’s agenda. So tensions are alreadyhigher, and patience is shorter.”The ability to be flexible and recognizethat even the most organized plans can fallment to a health and for agreeing toadopt more guidelines on food and nutrition,physical activity and programmingin the next three years.“We are proud and challenged to continuethis energy toward a HealthierCampus Initiative,” said Bill Ehling, executivedirector of Mason recreation. “Iam continually appreciative of the pastefforts and results to provide a genuinesense of a healthier community atGeorge Mason University.”Mason officials point to statistics from TheAmerican Public Health Association, whichshow that during the first year in college,students’ overweight and obesity rates increaseby more than 15 percent. Additionally,most college students do not meet dietaryand physical activity guidelines. PHAofficials say, at the same time, the college“Consider topics todiscuss with certainfamily members andhow you will politelysteer away fromPhoto contributedtopics you’d rather Stacie Isenbergnot discuss.”— Stacie B. Isenberg, Psy.D.apart, will reduce pressure as well, saidPamela Daniels, a licensed clinical socialworker and psychotherapist based inLorton. “Flexibility allows us to roll with thepunches,” she said. “Rigidity can be a recipefor disaster, especially during the holidays.”FAMILY MEMBERS can help ease tensionby expressing their needs up front.“Some people just have a need to feelappreciated,” said Knapp. “Everyone hasdifferent needs, but others, including familymembers won’t know those needs unlesswe tell them.”Rachel Bullen needed her mother to recognizeand validate the effort that she’d putinto preparing a healthy Thanksgiving dinnerand an aesthetically appealing table,and to maintaining a lifestyle that had kepther fit.“I’ve always seen my mother as thin, beautifuland the perfect hostess,” said RachelBullen. “And she can always find somethingwrong with everything that I do, but shecan find no wrong with my brother.”Photo by Alexis GlennGeorge Mason University’s wellnessefforts recently earned nationalrecognition for the school.years are a time when lifelong habits beginto form because most students are makingtheir own choices about healthy eating andfitness.“As a Mason alumni,” said Kerry Ross, directorof benefits and faculty/ staff wellbeing,“it gives me great pride to see ourcommunity coming together in the areas ofwellness and well-being. Mason has dem-Recognizing that such oldpatterns and dynamics maybe rekindled during biggatherings can help familymembers navigate difficultrelationships.“Even though there maybe months or even yearsbetween visits, people’striggers and sensitivities arethe same unless they’ve previouslyworked throughthem with their familymembers and reached anunderstanding about thebest ways for them to interact,” saidIsenberg. “The judgmental parent or unclewill still be judgmental and the inquisitivegrandmother who pushes boundaries willstill do so.”Prior to spending time with family, she suggested,it’s a good idea to think about theactions, words or situations that ignite tensionsand decide how they can be avoided.“Consider topics to discuss with certainfamily members and how you will politelysteer away from topics you’d rather not discuss,”Isenberg explained. “If you anticipatethat there will be a topic or way of interactingthat is too difficult to be avoided withsubtlety, you may want to consider gentlyapproaching it prior to the holidays. Forexample, tell your parents you don’t feelcomfortable discussing your relationshipwith your significant other in front of theextended family and ask them not to mentionit during dinner, and provide them withan answer to give when relatives inquire.”Rachel decided to begin seeing a therapistto help strengthen her relationshipwith her family. “Hopefully Christmas willbe less tense,” she said. “If not this Christmas,then next.”George Mason University’s well-beingand wellness programs recentlyreceived national recognitionwhen the Fairfax-based university waschosen as the first higher education institutionin Virginia to join the Healthy CampusInitiative, an effort to encourage collegesand universities to make their campuseshealthier by adopting guidelinesaround food and nutrition, physical activityand programming.Last month, the Partnership for aHealthier America unveiled the pilot programat the American Public HealthAssociation’s annual conference in NewOrleans. (Leaders from The Healthier CampusInitiative praised Mason for its commitonstratedits commitment to these initiativesfor years with opportunities like theannual Health and Fitness Expo, Wellnessby Mason, the Well-Being Learning Community,and now our strategic goal of becominga Well-Being University. We are honored… to take that commitment to a newlevel as a partner in the Healthier CampusInitiative under the auspices of The Partnershipfor a Healthier America.”The Partnership for a Healthier Americawas created in 2010 in conjunction with firstlady Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move! Campaignwith a goal of developing strategiesto end childhood obesity.“We know that going to college is a timeof change for many students. We also knowthat means it’s a time when new habits areformed. By creating healthier food andphysical activity environments today, campusesand universities are encouraginghealthier habits that will carry over intotomorrow,” said the partnership’s CEOLawrence A. Soler in a statement.12 ❖ Potomac Almanac ❖ December 3-9, 2014 www.ConnectionNewspapers.com