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WEIRD SCIENCESo, are flying, self-healing and telepathic mutants really about to start popping upeverywhere? Total Film asked science expert Robert Weinberg...Phoenix rising: Professor Xavier(Patrick Stewart) and therecently-dead-but-improvingJean Grey (Famke Janssen).(Nightcrawler) and Ray Park (Toad). Both may bemissed but are, frankly, expendable. Not so PatrickStewart (Professor Xavier), who needed two longphone conversations with Ratner to convince himthe movie was in safe hands (“There was a bigquestion mark about the project,” he admits).Oscar-winner Halle Berry (Storm), on the otherhand, came on board with a set of demands.“I wanted to fly!” she tells Total Film in her LosAngeles home. “I’ve worn this cape for two moviesand I wanted to put it to use. On a bigger level,I also wanted Storm to have a voice and a definitepoint of view this time so people can betterunderstand who she is.”Her wishes were granted. Not only is Storm’sdialogue plentiful and potent this time round, butshe’s an integral part of several of the actionsequences; action sequences that will, if youbelieve the cast, be the biggest, baddest and bestestof all the X-Men films to date. Hyperbole? Perhaps,but if one man should know, it’s Jackman. “I sawa take of this one stunt and I couldn’t believe it wasreal,” he says. “It’s this thing where Halle flies about100 feet, spinning like you can’t believe. I figuredthey must have sped it up or something, but no,they actually did it for real.”WOLVERINEMutant powersAdamantium-coatedskeleton, apparentlyinfinite ability toheal himselfScience says “Wolverineis the typical ‘comic-bookcharacter who makes no sense.’ When you possessa healing factor that, if analysed and duplicated bymodern medicine, could save hundreds of thousands(most likely millions) of lives each year, why not dothat instead of engaging in constant lethal combat?Healing factor or not, I’ve also no idea how he can movewith metal coating his joints.”PROFESSOR XAVIER ANDJEAN GREY/DARK PHOENIXMutant powers Telepathy, telekinesis (the abilityto move objects with the mind)Science says “Telepathy is the power that seems tohave the most possibility of existing, though there areno real scientific results showing telepaths actuallyexist (whatever parapsychologists might claim). Ifthey did, why aren’t they all in Las Vegas or Monacomaking a fortune at cards?”BEASTMutant powersSuperhuman agility,massive strength,bright blue furScience says “Again,we run into problemswith the laws of nature.Make him as strong as suggested and he’d be somuscle-bound he couldn’t move, much less jumparound. Having him blue just seems garish, ratherthan impossible.”MAGNETOMutant power Cancontrol mighty forcesof magnetism withnothing but his mind,can manipulate metaland fly through the airusing the same powerScience says “How someone’s mind could controlmagnetism is far beyond me. Not even the mostoutrageous facts about quantum mechanics canexplain what Magneto does. And while I don’t haveterrible problems with him using magnetism to liftcars, I have no explanation of how he can fly aroundand hover using magnetism – at least, not withouta giant magnet over his body. Also, the less saidabout him disrupting the Earth’s magnetic fields,the better...”STORMMutant power Can controlthe weatherScience says “Is weathercontrol even possible? Notat present. Especially notby any human powers thatwe know about. We stillhave a hard time predicting it, much less controlling it.”JUGGERNAUTMutant power He’s anunstoppable forceScience says “No matterhow strong he is, there’sa limit to what his humanbody can withstand. Justbecause his bones won’tbreak when he punches a wall that doesn’t mean hishand will penetrate the wall. There’s a big differencebetween unbreakable and unstoppable. He’s more thefirst than the second.”ANGELMutant power WingsScience says “A normalhuman-sized being withwings just wouldn’t workbecause of the ratio ofweight to muscle neededto lift it. Even with someextra muscles, Angel would still need hollow bones.Which would make rough-and-tumble fighting a deathdefyingproposition.”CYCLOPSMutant Power Opticbeams from his eyesScience says “The eyesare a one-way mechanism– light goes in, nothingcomes back out. Andexactly what do Cyclops’eye beams do? Hit something with laser rays? Usea force to move things? His powers are hard tounderstand, much less imagine.”MYSTIQUEMutant powerShapeshiftingScience says “Colourchanging is possible innature, but not this kind ofshape-changing. There’sthe question of adding andsubtracting mass, if nothingelse. Shape-changing hersize, figure, and most of all,her sex, is a trick I can’teven begin to explain. She’sjust impossible.”Robert Weinberg is co-authorof the books The Science OfSuperheroes and The ScienceOf Supervillains.TFM115.feat_xmen sec31034/4/06 5:27:03 pm
FRANCHISE FUNKTotal Film eyes threequels to find all that’s holy (and unholy) in the movie trinity...Taking a stand: Hugh Jackmanand Halle Berry ponder theircharacters’ final battle.Rocky III (1982)Good Mr T’s bling-bling slugger, Stallone’s oiled pecs,‘Eye Of The Tiger’ anthem.Bad Mighty warrior Apollo becomes Rocky’s right-handbitch. Oh, the indignity...Ugly Paulie’s robot: a Dalek voiced by Jessica Rabbit.A Nightmare On Elm Street 3:Dream Warriors (1987)Good Ripping out a sleeping boy’s veins and using themlike puppet strings to make him walk! Laurence “Larry”Fishburne playing a hospital orderly!Bad It’s Freddy backstory time – apparently he’s “thebastard son of a 100 maniacs.”Ugly A slippery Freddy-worm thingy chomps ona young Patricia Arquette. To think, Kruegerwas scary once...Star Wars: Episode VI –Return Of The Jedi (1983)Good Sandbarge scrapping, Boba Fett,Princess Leia’s gold bikini, speederbikesand another Death Star to boom to bits.Bad The frikkin’ Ewoks.Ugly Pasting Hayden Christensen’s whiny chops intothe revamped edition as the ghost of Anakin Skywalker.The Godfather Part III (1990)Good Al Pacino’s dying crime king and Andy Garcia’swannabe heir to the empire are an offer you can’t refuse.Bad Al’s hairsprayed-up grey barnet stands up betterthan a murky plot about the Pope.Ugly Sofia Coppola’s turn as Michael’s jailbait sprog,Mary. Sometimes being family just isn’t enough.Terminator 3:Rise Of The Machines (2003)Good Kristanna Loken’s fembot. LessTerminatrix, more dominatrix.Bad The Governator’s so far past it he canbarely glimpse it in his rearview mirror.Ugly Nick Stahl’s wimpy John Connor.A future crushed beneath the jackboot ofrobot-kind would be worth it just to see him takea bullet to the brainpan.Alien³ (1992)Good Sigourney Weaver still rocks as Ripley.Bad Hicks and Newt – they go splat. Makes the endof part two seem bloody pointless, doesn’t it?Ugly Fincher was shafted. And it makes no bleedingsense. At all.Rambo III (1988)Good Props to any movie where someone pulls a bulletout of their own stomach and then cauterises the woundthemselves with a dab of gunpowder.Bad Stallone looks like someone’s stuck a compressedair jet up his arse – no human should have arms thatover-inflated.Ugly Could one man on horseback reallytake out an entire army in tanks?Die Hard: With A Vengeance (1995)Good Samuel L Jackson and BruceWillis: together at last. What’s notto like?Bad Jeremy Irons’ fuzzyRickman-clone.Ugly Willis with his shirt off isbad enough, but Irons’ ludicrouslyunneccessary bitch-slapping sexscene is claw-your-own-eyes-out time.Back To The Future III (1990)Good Who can hate a dippy Western that ends witha flying, time-travelling train? That’s right. A. Flying.Time-travelling. Train.Bad Michael J Fox can play one character and onecharacter only... and it’s not “Top of da mornin’ to ya”plastic paddy Seamus McFly. Begorrah!Ugly Whose bright idea was it to have ZZ Top playingat the hoedown? Lord, make it stop!Halloween III: Season Of The Witch (1982)Good Lethal Hallowe’en masks, menacing Oirishmen,evil telly commercials (sing it, people: “Six more daysto Halloween...”)Bad But where’s Michael Myers?Ugly We’ll say it again. Where’s Michael Myers?Jurassic Park III (2001)Good Pterodactyls. All you need to know.Bad Even with Spielberg off making grown-up films,the franchise still has a revolting cute kid at its core.Sick-bag please!Ugly There’s no bloody climax and the velociraptors turnout to be just a big cuddly family that loves its kids! Aw.Batman Forever (1995)Good Riddle me this: how does Joel Schumacher getsuch a creepily nasty turn out of Jim Carrey asThe Riddler...Bad ...when he leeches all the energy outof Val Kilmer’s Dark Knight?Ugly And don’t even get us started onTommy Lee Jones cackling-all-the-wayto-Barclaysnon-effort as Two-Face.Jaws 3-D (1983)Good Director Joe Alves hasn’t directed again...Bad Everything. No, really, everything.Ugly Jeez, where do you start? Dennis Quaid’sperformance? Effects that make original rubber shark,Bruce, look like a wildlife doc?Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade (1989)Good The daddy of all action heroes, Sean Connery,is Indy’s dad. Could it really have beenanyone else?Bad Hate to speak ill of the dead,but the adventures of YoungIndy? Rest In Peace, River...Ugly “We called the dogIndiana.” Of course you did.Day Of The Dead (1985)Good Bub, a zombie taught to listento classical music and read Stephen King books.Bad Big George tries to make a plus of his limited budgetbut, let’s face it, an underground bunker’s no shoppingmall, is it?Ugly Marked the end of Romero’s trilogy – until LandOf The Dead arrived in 2005.‘ Could Wolverinekick Superman’sass? Definitely!’HUGH JACKMAN“I love the physical challenge of these movies,” saysBerry. “That’s not to say there aren’t depths ofemotion, but this genre is about using your body indifferent ways. That said, it was hard for me becauseI have a weak stomach and tend to projectile vomitif I’m not careful. The stunt guys had to have a bigred bucket to sit by me at all times!”So are we to believe that Storm is going to, erm,steal Wolverine’s thunder? No chance, says ourhirsute hero, bristling at the mere thought of beingout-muscled. He reminds Total Film of Wolverine’swindow-smashing fight with Juggernaut (playedby Vinnie Jones) and highlights a sequence in whichhis clawed crusader single-handedly takes ona whole army of Magneto’s cronies in a forest-setdust-up. Then he pulls out his ace... “There’sa scene where I get hurled back by Magneto[Ian McKellen],” he says, chest puffing out. “I wasthrown on this rig – about 600 feet. At 80 mph.Through tree branches. It was the most unbelievableride of my life.”REQUIEM FOR A TEAMDetails of The Last Stand’s plot have been protectedby the filmmakers with a fervour usually employedby governments shielding military secrets. Actorswere required to sign contracts that could see them62 TOTALFILM.COMTFM115.feat_xmen sec31044/4/06 5:27:16 pm
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