Summer 2013 - Archdiocese of Kingston

By Thomas LickonaWhat is Catholic character? Why does it matter? Andwhat can we do as parents to develop it in our children?The best way to answer those questions is to begin withan even more basic one: What is the meaning of life? Wehave three divinely ordained purposes that give our livesmeaning: Salvation—seeking to save our eternal soulsand help save the souls of others; Service—using ourGod-given talents to build God’s kingdom here on earth;and Sanctity—growing in holiness.Sanctity is central to building Catholic character. At theend of the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says: “Be thoumade perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Mt5:48). St. Gregory put it this way: “Thegoal of a virtuous life is to become likeGod.”Scripture tells us, “God is love” (1 Jn4:16). If we want to be like God, ourvocation is to love. The essence of loveis to sacrifice for the sake of another, asJesus did.What, then, is our goal if we want todevelop Catholic character in our childrenand ourselves? The ultimate missionof every Catholic family, like themission of the Church, is to foster, withthe help of God’s grace, the “transformationin Christ” that the Holy Spiritjump-starts in baptism.What Virtues Should We Foster?The highest goal of Christ-likecharacter builds on a base of what theChurch calls natural virtues.Familiesand schools should nurture the fouradopted by the Church as the cardinal virtues: Prudence,which enables us to judge what we should do; Justice,which enables us to respect the rights of others and givethem what they are due; Fortitude, which enables us to dowhat is right in the face of difficulties; and Temperance,which enables us to control our desires and avoid abuseof even legitimate pleasures.To prepare our kids to follow Christ is to prepare themto take the road less traveled. Living a life of Christianvirtue has always been countercultural, but never moreso than in today’s media-driven, materialistic, sexuallydecadent, and morally relativistic world.These natural virtues are developed through effort andpractice, aided byGod’s grace.In order to developChrist-like character,however, we alsoneed the three supernatural,or theological,virtues: Faith inGod, which enablesus to believe in Godand the teachings ofHis Church; Hopein God, which leadsus to view eternallife as our most importantgoal and toplace total trust inGod; and Love ofGod, which enablesus to love God above all things and our neighbour as ourselves.The three theological virtues are considered supernaturalbecause they come from God and have as their purposeour participation in God’s divine life.The Catholic writer Peter Kreeft points out, “The Christianis prudent, just, courageous and self-controlled outof faith in God, hope in God and love of God.” The supernaturalvirtues, like the natural virtues, grow strongerthrough our effort, in cooperation with God’s grace. Hereare five fundamentals of parenting for Catholic character.Build a loving relationshipSpend time together. Children will care about our valueswhen they know we care about them. Emotionallyintimate time is especially important for helping our childrenfeel loved and for maximizing our influence.The quality of our love often comes down to the qualityof our communication. To create quality dinner discussion,for example, try having a topic: “What was the bestpart of your day?” “What is a way you helped anotherperson?” “Who has a problem the rest of the family mightbe able to help with?”Journey Summer 2013 Page 16Building Catholic characterIn a major shift from a generation ago, both secularand religious marriage counselors are now urging marriedcouples having problems to do everything possibleto work out their difficulties and save their marriage. Researchshows that the more a husband and wife each practicetheir faith, the better their relationship, and the moretheir children thrive.Use the power of good exampleThe example we set — especially when it is coupledwith a loving relationship — is one of the most importantways we affect the character of our kids. Our exampleincludes not only how we treat our children but how wetreat each other as spouses and how we treat and talkabout others (relatives, friends, neighbours, and teachers).Photo by Mara JonesWe increase the power of our own example when weexpose our children to other positive role models. TheGiraffe Heroes Project has developed a bank of morethan 1,000 stories of everyday heroes of all ages whohave shown compassion and courage by sticking outtheir necks for others. William Kilpatrick’s Books ThatBuild Character offer hundreds of stories whose admirablecharacters will live in a young person’s heart andimagination.The website www.teachwithmovies.com catalogueshundreds of films that offer positive role models andstrong character themes.And we should be sure totap the rich resource providedby the lives of the saints(see Mary Reed Newland’sbook, The Saints and OurChildren).Teach directlyIf we want our example tohave maximum impact, ourchildren need to know thevalues and beliefs that lie behindit. We need to practisewhat we preach, but we alsoneed to preach what we practise.We should directly teacheveryday manners: “SayPhoto by Mark Bergin please and thank you,”“Don’t interrupt.”We should directly teach the fundamentals of our faith,starting with the three purposes of our lives (salvation,stewardship, and sanctity). We should make a list of theCatholic truths we want to teach our children.Other Catholic truths we want to be sure to transmit:• Life is sacred, from conception until natural death.• We have a special duty to help Christ’s “leastones”—the poor, homeless, disabled, sick, oppressedand unborn.• Sex is the beautiful gift of a good God but reservedby God for the marriage of a husband and wife.• When we join our sufferings with the Cross ofChrist, we become more like Jesus and participate inhis work of saving souls.• The Mass is the single most important part of ourfaith, through which Jesus continues to redeem theworld (and we are obligated to go to Sunday or VigilMass under pain of mortal sin).• A relationship with the Blessed Mother is a sure pathto a relationship with her Son.Exercise authority wiselyAs parents, we must have a strong sense of ourmoral authority and then exercise it wisely in three ways.First, we must take strong stands that are consistent withour Catholic values. For example, what do we prohibit?Violent video games? TV shows and movies that containsex, violence or foul language? All forms of pornography?Music with profane, lewd or denigrating lyrics?Immodest dress? Parties where there’s drinking? Promovernights?Second, we must discipline wisely. Even small things—a mean remark to a sibling, for example— should be takenseriously. The most effective discipline gets kids to takeresponsibility: “What do you think is a fair consequencefor what you did?” “What can you do to make up for it?”Getting kids in the habit of going to Confession—examiningtheir conscience, telling God they’re sorry for theirsins, experiencing Christ’s forgiveness, and resolving todo better (we, of course, must model this) — is anothervital part of helping them take responsibility for their actions.Third, we must practice vigilant supervision. Theresearch report Building a Better Teenager (www.childtrends.org) finds that “hands-on” parents—thosewho know where their kids are, who they’re with, whatthey’re doing, including their use of media—have teenswith the lowest rates of sexual activity and drug and alcoholabuse. As one writer puts it, in today’s moral environment“we need to watch our children like a hawk.”Provide authentic experiences of the faithBuilding Catholic character requires authentic personalexperiences of the faith, within and beyond the family.One Catholic father found that taking his self-centered15-year-old son to see the city’s soup kitchen, where theysubsequently volunteered together, got the son thinkingless about the latest stuff he wanted and more about theneeds of others.Another Catholic family had a tradition of a partial fastevery Monday night (broth for the parents, a piece of fruitfor the kids) and sending the money saved to CatholicRelief Services.I know Catholic parents whose teenagers have beenturned around by going to a Youth 2000 weekend, wherethey experienced Masses, the Rosary, Eucharistic Adoration,and Confession (often for the first time since theirinitial reception of the sacrament) and heard adults andother children talk about how they were changed whenthey let Jesus into their lives.Our son Mark and the oldest three (ages 13, 11, and 8)of his seven children were able to participate in BenedictXVI’s Mass at Yankee Stadium in April 2008 and camehome inspired by being with the Pope and thousands ofdevout fellow Catholics. World Youth Days have hadsimilar effects on young people.These intense spiritual experiences are especially importantin the teen years, when religion can seem like “abunch of rules” or just something your parents make youdo.A caveat: Even parents who do all the right things tobuild Catholic character can’t control the outcome ofthose efforts. Not even God can make us be good. Thefinal forming of our children’s character lies in their ownhands.That said, our most important job as parents is to usethe countless opportunities God gives us to help our childrengrow in goodness and holiness. For as the Churchhas always taught, the family is the first school of virtue.ACKNOWLEDGEMENTThis material is an excerpt from Thomas Lickona. “BuildingCatholic Character: 5 Things Parents Can Do.”Catholic Education Resource Center (April 18, 2012).Reprinted with permission from the author, Thomas Lickona.Raising Children of Character:10 Things Parents Can DoDr. Thomas LickonaFriday, October 4, 20137:30 - 9:30 p.m.Queen’s UniversityTickets: $20Early bird special $15 before June 28Purchase online at neeje.caFor info: call Irene 613-549-7421Sponsored by Neeje Association for Women and Family