Aug. 1, 2008 - The Austin Chronicle

LEAD STORYThe European Union allows fruits and vegetablesto be sold only in prescribed sizesand colors (such as its 35 pages of regulationsgoverning 250 varieties of the apple,or rules that cucumbers must be straightand bananas curved). In June, British marketerTim Down complained that he wasforced to discard 5,000 kiwi fruit becausethey were 1 millimeter in diameter too smalland one-fourth ounce too light. (It is illegaleven to give them away, as that wouldundermine the market price.)“Improvements” in the EU system continue,according to a July Washington Post dispatchfrom Brussels: Despite 10 pages of standardson the onion and 19 amendments,the Dutch Ministry of Agriculture recentlyissued a report urging further refinements,using 29 pages and 43 photographs.BY CHUCK SHEPHERDThursthruSunwww.backspinrecords.netLEAST COMPETENT CRIMINALSFailure to Communicate: 1) The man whotried to rob the Cafe Treo in Salt Lake Cityin April likely told the employee to “fill” thebag, but when the employee reached overand earnestly started to “feel” the bag(according to police), the robber said,“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” and ran outof the store. 2) Another man who cameaway empty-handed had tried to rob aWalgreens in Port Richey, Fla., in July, handinga clerk what appeared to be a holdupnote, except that nothing was written on it.The clerk, sensing the forgetful robber’scluelessness, boldly dialed 911 right infront of him, causing the man to flee.CREME DE LA WEIRD“[A] person with a sneeze fetish can finderotic pleasure in those few seconds,”according to the ABC News Medical Unit, inan April report, when “the eyes close as thebody prepares to forcefully expel air,” but“experts are stumped as to why.” AnInternet “sneeze fetish forum” allows membersto wax rhapsodic (“She has the cutestsneeze ever”) and recall pleasurable experiences(such as the thrill of discovering thatone’s new college roommate has allergiesand will be sneezing frequently), and manyuse language and suggest visions thatmimic sexual behaviors.RECURRING THEMESRonald McDade, charged with raping ateenager in Lansdale, Pa., in January, petitionedto be allowed to submit a plastercast of his penis to the jury, to demonstratethat, since he is an “extremely large” man(according to his lawyer), he could not physicallyhave penetrated the girl without causinggenital injury (and no such injury wasfound). “News of the Weird” has reportedpreviously on rape defendants offering togive the jury either a photograph or a liveexhibition to make the same point.THINNING THE HERD1) An 18-year-old man was killed inMarch while riding in a shopping cart andholding onto an SUV racing down a WinterROY TOMPKINSArtist Michael Fernandes’ exhibit in Halifax, Nova Scotia, in June caused acommotion, because it was merely a banana on a gallery’s window sill, andFernandes had it priced at 2,500 Canadian dollars (down from his originalthought, 15,000 Canadian dollars). Actually, Fernandes changed bananasevery day (eating the old one), placing progressively greener ones out todemonstrate the banana’s transitoriness. “We [humans] are also temporal,but we live as if we are not,” he wrote. Despite the steep price, two collectorsplaced holds on the “work,” requiring the gallery’s co-owner Victoria Page toget assurance from callers: “It’s a banana; you understand that it’s a banana?”Park, Fla., street, when it hit a speed bump.2) A 13-year-old skateboarder was killed inMay at a railroad crossing in O’Fallon, Ill.,when (according to police) he was unsuccessfulin beating a train to the crossing. 3)An 18-year-old man was killed in June inBlaine, Wash., when the steamroller he wastaking for a joyride at a construction siteoverturned and fell on top of him.POLICE BLOTTER Police, including SWAT officers, werecalled to an apartment in Mesa, Ariz., inJune after neighbors reported a fightbetween a man and a woman that includedyelling and breaking things inside. When theyarrived, they found only a 21-year-old man,conducting the fight by himself, alternating ahigh-pitched voice with a low-pitched one. Hewas referred for a medical exam. Need for Speed: 1) Ontario’s recent lawagainst street-racing snared two noteworthydrivers in April: a 26-year-old man who wascited when he passed a marked police carwhile doing 178 kilometers per hour (110mph) and the driver of a garbage truck, racingat 112 kph (double the posted speedlimit). 2) A 3-year-old girl was seriouslyinjured in Huntsville, Ala., in May in a collisioncaused, said witnesses, by a speedingcontest between two men, both employeesof Comcast Corp., driving company vans.GOVERNMENT IN ACTION! In May, the school board in Barrie,Ontario, notified Children’s Aid Society tointervene with mother Colleen Leduc andher daughter Victoria, 11, because ofsuspected sexual abuse, angering theconscientious Leduc, who until that pointhad taken extraordinary measures to protectthe girl, who is autistic. Upon investigation,it was revealed that the suspicioncame from a teaching assistant who saidher psychic had told her that a girl with a“V” in her name was being abused by aman aged 23 to 26. Leduc now refusesto trust Victoria to public schoolsbecause, “They might want to take out aOuija board or hold a seance.” The June transfer of a prisoner fromlockup to Britain’s Northampton CrownCourt, just across the street, required summoningthe closest prison van (57 milesaway) to come give him a ride. The prisoner(accused thief Mark Bailey) could notsimply be walked across the streetbecause officials feared that public, custodialexposure (a “perp walk”) would embarrasshim, in violation of his “human rights.”Visit Chuck Shepherd daily atwww.newsoftheweird.blogspot.com(or www.newsoftheweird.com).Send your Weird News to: Chuck Shepherd, PO Box18737, Tampa, FL 33679 or weirdnewstips@yahoo.com.©2004 UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATEsearch for bands, browse by genre,listen to mp3s, comment on yourfavorite artists, view upcoming showsa u s t i n c h r o n i c l e . c o m AUGUST 1, 2008 T H E A U S T I N C H R O N I C L E 57