Newsletter - Mandy Mazliah

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Experiences Two’s company, three’s a crowd Jackie Furley shares her thoughts on life as a mum of two This is a story not about how having your first child can change your life, because we already know that. This is a story about me as the primary carer for my two children, and how for a little while, it was three’s a crowd. Having your first born is a 90 degree angle learning curve but looking back on it now, I think I can safely say that most of us had common experiences or complaints - colic, blackout blinds, controlled crying, cradle cap, swaddling, tummy time, nappy rash etc. And goodness knows there are plenty of books out there advising us each step of the way. But for anything plus one, the common assumption seems to be ‘been there, done that, got the t-shirt (and sleep deprivation) to prove it’. And it’s tempting to think so. It’s certainly true that past experience is an indicator of future performance. Except for one important factor: your first child. Matthew was 19 months when I had Annabelle. Before she came along, we plodded along together, mother and son doing the things mothers and sons do. After all, we’d had 19 months to get our act together. Things started off as well as one could hope for. There would be days where things would go well with all three of us, and there would be days where I’d struggle to keep it together. But when Annabelle was four 16 <strong>Newsletter</strong> Spring months old things went a little atomic. Annabelle was being an angel but my relationship with Matthew was taking a big hit. I seemed to spend all my time telling my active and boisterous toddler off or nagging him. I kept thinking, he should know better. But the more I admonished him, thinking that he’d be chastised, the worse things became. Matthew was also unhappy and would cling to my husband when he came home. And Annabelle was a joy to be with, it made being with an irate toddler even harder to deal with. Two things really saved me. First a wonderful husband who kept his head straight during this unsettling period. He took over the role of disciplinarian with Matthew. He made the two of us do things together like having bath-time together even if there were protests. He kept telling me that it was a phase and also made me realise that Matthew was still a baby. Just because he was older than Annabelle did not mean that he should know better all the time. Second is a group of friends who have known Matthew almost all his life and who wholeheartedly embraced him for the sofa-climbing and bed-bouncing boy that he is. They didn’t care that he’d leave bite marks on all their apples and potatoes, or that he’d give clumsy hugs that made their little girls cry. They kept telling me to stop fussing and affectionately hugged him. It was I who kept seeing the negative side of his behaviour. It was only after Maria, the Italian grandmother of one of his regular playmates said to me, ‘Jackie… enjoy your children now, because when they grow older, you can’t anymore’ that it really hit home that I was potentially missing out on the best years of my children’s lives. Things had to change, and if you want something done right, do it yourself especially as the other party can’t yet put his socks on let alone solve emotional issues. Actually, I forgot a third saving grace - Matthew. He is forgiving and patient with me, and doesn’t hold a grudge. We are the best of friends now and he is an absolute dream brother with Annabelle, sharing his toys, always wanting to cuddle her and says ‘Ah-ba’ with great concern every time he hears a baby cry. That is not to say that I am not his mother still, and there are rules to be obeyed and toys to be put away. But we have more fun together now, I am so much more relaxed and its just amazing to see how different he is now. My frustration and anxiety were almost goading him into behaving badly, which would then make me more annoyed and perpetuate this vicious cycle. He’s not only better-behaved, he’s also more happy and settled now. I don’t doubt that there’ll be other challenging periods in the future when it becomes ‘three’s a crowd’ again, but I hope that next time l’ll be quicker to recognise it and to stop it spiralling out of control. But until then I intend on heeding what ‘Nonna’ Maria said and enjoying my children now. Jackie’s top tips… • Really assess or re-assess your expectations of your first born. Only you know your child well enough to know what is reasonable to expect
of them. But just because they are the oldest doesn’t meant that overnight they become fully pottytrained or learn to eat with their mouths closed. • Change the way you react. Believe me, it’s a lot easier than trying to change the way your toddler behaves especially when its not something life-threatening or dangerous. Unwatched and unscolded constantly, Matthew is a much more amenable playmate now. • Choose your battles. Matthew now happily bounces and climbs all over the couch but knows I mean business when I tell him to sit down properly on his Da-da’s armchair. In fact, I have relaxed so many of my previous strictures that when I was really cross with him for drawing on his table with markers, he knew he was in the wrong and walked very obediently to the naughty corner and stayed there the allotted two minutes. • Be your child’s friend again, not just his parent and keeper. I had forgotten to have fun with Matthew. Its hard juggling more than one, but try to remember what you used to do before number two showed up and keep some time aside for just that. Or just build the fun into the new dynamics - Annabelle’s greatest source of entertainment is Matthew so all I have to do is make him laugh and she goes into hysterics. • Persevere. Rome wasn’t built in a day and childcare is no less strenuous. But once you really really put your mind to it, and grit your teeth through a whole week of “Da-da this, Da-da that”, you will find things shifting to your favour. • Get yourself a great group of friends Experiences There’s just 19 months between Matthew and Annabelle <strong>Newsletter</strong> Spring 17
Page 1: Newsletter Brixton, Dulwich and Str
Page 4 and 5: Welcome Letter from Victoria Victor
Page 6 and 7: Branch Buzz Branch Buzz - Riverside
Page 8 and 9: Welcome to the world Continued from
Page 10 and 11: Diary dates First Aid Courses These
Page 12 and 13: Diary dates Hill, SE24. Contact NNS
Page 14 and 15: Your NCT needs you Can you fill the
Page 18 and 19: Childbirth How to survive a trip to
Page 20 and 21: Breastfeeding Your breastfeeding su
Page 22 and 23: Nutrition 10 foods for new mums One
Page 24 and 25: Exercise Want to get back in your j
Page 26 and 27: Exercise Ready, steady, go... Want
Page 28 and 29: Exercise Goal! You’re never too o
Page 30 and 31: Maria Pinter maria@pinterandmartin.

Newsletter - Mandy Mazliah

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