Java.NOV.2015
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GIRL ON FARMER<br />
A Purrfect Plan<br />
By Celia Beresford<br />
Wait a second. It is November already? How<br />
the hell did that happen? That means it’s almost<br />
Thanksgiving, aka, Festivus for those of us who<br />
don’t believe in celebrating a little thing called the<br />
slaughter of the natives. Thanksgiving is so rude.<br />
Basically some English folk came over to escape<br />
oppression from their king and nearly starved to<br />
death. Some empathetic Wampanoag (naïve tribe<br />
on the East Coast) decided to teach them what’s<br />
what and saved their lives. They have a big feast to<br />
celebrate living! Fast forward two weeks and the<br />
English decide to repay the favor by rape, pillaging,<br />
enslavement and oppression. Happy Thanksgiving,<br />
everyone! Let me just answer the question I know is<br />
on your mind right now: Yes, I am available for dinner<br />
parties if you’d like to bring me as a Debbie Downer<br />
to your family table.<br />
Whew, I really had no intention of giving you a quick<br />
history lesson like that. It just slipped out. I guess<br />
when you know big words like Wampanoag and<br />
oppression you just need to find a place to showcase<br />
them. Anyway, now you have some verbal ammo<br />
to cause a ruckus at the dinner table. What I really<br />
wanted to talk about is vaping. What did I want to<br />
say about it? Just. Don’t. No. One. No one looks<br />
suave with the ole vape pen. Not that smoking is<br />
cool these days, but I have to say I’d rather everyone<br />
risk some throat cancer and smoke some good ole<br />
fashioned cigs than to vape. Even the name, vape.<br />
Vaping? You’re vaping? No. Stop saying it and stop<br />
doing it.<br />
Also, those tiny water bottles? I need everyone to<br />
stop that, too. All water bottles are bad and evil, but<br />
I’ve already schooled you in history, I’m not going<br />
to give a rundown of Environmental Science 101:<br />
Global Warming. So, let’s put aside that all plastic<br />
water bottles are inherently stupid. Those teeny tiny<br />
ones? Extra stupid. Because they are smaller than<br />
baby bottles and no grown person should have one.<br />
I saw someone walking around campus the other<br />
110-degree day acting like that drip-drop of water<br />
was really refreshing. Those bottles hold less water<br />
than a Dixie bathroom cup. You may as well just fill<br />
up your mouth before you leave the house and hold<br />
it there like a chipmunk until you’re thirsty because<br />
it’s probably more water than you get in one of those<br />
38 JAVA<br />
MAGAZINE
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