TAXI

More readers than the rest put together! 26 JANUARY 2016 | TAXI 35
Licensed to Chat
IT’S ALL
GLOW HERE
MUSHER MEG
Just when you thought your other half couldn’t be any more annoying a new habit emerges
Recently I read a magazine
article that described how I
could turn on my inner glow
and look 10 years younger. The two
top tips were to drink more water
and get more sleep.
Downing three litres of water a
day is essential– and this would
explain why most cabbies don’t
have an inner glow. Unless you are
blessed with a bladder
of steel it’s just not
feasible to slug back a
jumbo sized bottle
of mineral water
and then sit in the
West End traffic,
without peeing
your pants and
giving yourself
an outer glow.
And, as for the
more sleep route
to getting my glow going, well I
am having trouble in the bedroom
lately. It’s Mr Meg’s fault. He can’t
keep his hands
off me.
Our bedtime routine starts
with building a pillow barricade
between us. This is to make sure
that he doesn’t breathe on me. Ever.
Not even George Clooney would be
allowed to exhale in my direction.
This pillow pile is also good for
elbow jabs and head butts in the
night. Mr Meg is a very active
sleeper.
But, since Christmas he has
developed a new way to irritate me.
I thought there were so many ways
he does that already it would be
impossible to find another.
His latest thing is that when he
is fast asleep he reaches over the
pillow dividers, grabs my hair
and pulls it. Hard. I can’t retaliate
because the hairiest parts of his
body are his nostrils and I’m not
going there in the dark.
The first time he pulled my hair
in the middle of the night I sat bolt
upright in bed and hollered “what
the bloody hell do you think you’re
doing?” That was a big mistake.
My shouting only half woke him
up and he jumped out of bed and
grabbed the American baseball bat
he secrets away behind the door in
case of intruders. After that episode
I decided getting a hair-pull in
the night was a safer option than
battling a madman wearing only his
boxers and wielding a baseball bat.
Mr Meg says he has no clue what
he is doing in the dark, or why. So I
decided to sleep wearing a balaclava
to try and break his hair pulling
habit. I am a woman of a “certain”
age who says “is it hot in here?”’ a few
hundred times each week; so the
balaclava was not at all comfy womfy.
And it frightened the postman when
I went downstairs early one morning
to sign for a parcel and forgot to take
it off before I opened the door.
Now there is a new development.
At around 3am each morning Mr
Meg’s hand creeps over the pillow
divide. He gropes his way around the
back of my head giving the balaclava
a few tugs as he goes ….and then he
comes up and over to my face and
starts giving it little squeezes. He
does my nose, lips and cheeks before
then using his hand to grip all of it
at once.
Is this manhandling of my head a
sign of affection? Or insecurity? Is he
checking I’m still there?
Or maybe he’s warming his hand
on my inner glow? n
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