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GIRL ON FARMER<br />
Something smells around here—literally, as I’m<br />
sitting here. I can’t tell if it’s my armpits or the couch<br />
I am laying on, which the cat peed on several years<br />
ago, which despite repeated steam cleanings and<br />
lots of angry shouting, still smells. I think I have<br />
a hyper sensitive sense of smell, and one of my<br />
hobbies is smelling things and trying to pinpoint<br />
what it is. I mean that in the most ungross way<br />
you can imagine. Like, I’m not crawling around<br />
the yard looking for bird carcasses or feces, but<br />
occasionally after the irrigation there is a funky smell<br />
that I will try to suss out and sometimes it is a dead<br />
bird. Smelling things is also a great hobby for those<br />
who like to relax and lay down; another reason I<br />
excel in this area.<br />
However, if you were looking for bird carcasses<br />
(novice taxidermist?), my backyard would be<br />
a great place to look. Apparently, there are<br />
some very unskilled pigeons living in my olive<br />
trees, and they are not good at building nests.<br />
I am happy about this, because the more eggs<br />
that drop means less surviving pigeons for me to<br />
throw grapefruit at. I don’t aim to kill. I just want<br />
them to think, “We deserve better than this, and<br />
we can find it at the telephone pole down the<br />
street.” I have never conspired in my heart to hurt<br />
a living creature (cockroaches don’t count), but these<br />
pigeons have me fantasizing about dart guns and<br />
slingshots and even a BB gun. I won’t do it, but still, I<br />
do think about it enough that I feel guilty.<br />
Back to me smelling things. Or making things smell.<br />
I have tried every natural deodorant ever, and still<br />
my armpits smell like day-old coffee grounds. That is<br />
way better than smelling like spicy onions, which is<br />
the only other armpit smell, aside from a mild cat pee<br />
smell. Here’s the good news, I recently found a locally<br />
made deodorant and it is the first one that has ever<br />
worked. Ever. In fact, it smells so good I prefer to call<br />
it armpit perfume. It’s that good. But you must follow<br />
the rules! It tells you to apply the deodorant paste to<br />
a CLEAN and DAMP pit. You have to use a dipping/<br />
spreading tool and my preferred choice is a clean<br />
popsicle stick. Things were smelling great for weeks.<br />
Until I got lazy before going to a show a few weeks<br />
ago and just slapped some on my dry and stanky<br />
38 JAVA<br />
MAGAZINE
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