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Copyright©2016. All rights reserved.
Unzipping Your
Genes
I’m increasingly frustrated by your
views that women are attracted to
men with status or wealth and don’t
care much about men’s looks. Personally,
I’m not attracted by men’s status
or wealth, and I’m very aroused by
gorgeous naked men -- as are many
women. Granted, women thousands
of years ago were forced to
rely on men for security, but there’s
been something called “evolution.”
Women don’t need men to survive
anymore. Consequently, women are
experiencing a discovery of their real
libido, which is greatly stimulated by
the vision of beautiful male bodies.
--Modern Woman
If women truly prioritized men’s looks
like you say, Victoria’s Secret would be
raking in the bucks with a companion
chain of sexy undies stores for men.
However, Victor’s Secret, if any, remains
pretty simple: “Turn ‘em inside out and
you can wear ‘em another day.”
You are right; “there’s been something
called ‘evolution.’” Unfortunately, psychological
change takes a little longer
than you think -- which is to say you’re
only off by maybe a few million years.
As evolutionary psychologists Leda Cosmides
and John Tooby explain, we’re
living in modern times with a “stone age
mind.” By this, they mean that the genes
right now driving our psychology and
behavior were molded by (and are still
largely adapted for) mating and survival
problems in the hunter-gatherer environment
millions of years ago.
We do continue to evolve. For example,
over the 10,000 years since humans
started dairy farming, some of us
eventually developed the physiology to
digest lactose (the sugar in cow’s milk)
-- allowing us to drink milkshakes without
gassing it up under the covers and
asphyxiating the dog. But changes in
our psychological architecture -- like
the complex cognitive adaptations behind
our mating behavior -- don’t happen
anywhere near that fast. So, no,
your genes didn’t just go “Whoa, look,
women’s lib!” and then make you start
catcalling construction workers.
Of course, we ladies will take a nice
view if we can get it, but other things
?
GOT
ADVICEGODDESS
come first. Anthropologist Robert Trivers
explains that what women evolved
to prioritize in a partner comes out of
the greater amount of “parental investment”
required from us. Because
a man could just walk away after sex
(in the days before there was a state to
come after him for child support) and
because the features men find hot reflect
fertility and health, male sexuality
evolved to be primarily looks-driven.
For a woman, however, a single romp
in the bushes with some loinclothed
Hunky McHunkerson could have left her
with a kid to feed -- long before baby
food was sold in stores in cute little jars.
So, the women whose children survived
to pass on their genes to us were
those who vetted men for the ability
and willingness to “provide.” There was
no “wealth” in ancestral times -- no National
Bank of the Stone Age. However,
evolutionary psychologists believe a
modern man’s high earnings act as a
cue for what women evolved to go for
in a man -- high status, meaning high
social standing and the ability to bring
home the wildebeest steaks for Mommy
and the twins.
You, however, claim that a man’s status
does nothing for you. Now, studies reveal
how most people are, not individual
differences, so you may be right. However,
cognitive neuroscientist Michael
Gazzaniga explains that 98 percent of
our brain’s activity is unconscious -- including
some of our decision-making
-- but we invent reasons for our choices
afterward (typically those that make us
seem rational, consistent, and admirable).
And research keeps reflecting that
women subconsciously prioritize status.
In a study by evolutionary psychologist
Michael Dunn, women found the exact
same man hotter when he was driving
a Bentley than when he was driving a
Ford Fiesta. Men? They found a woman
equally attractive in either car, and
frankly, a woman who’s hot can probably
get dates while “driving” a donkey
with bumper stickers on the back.
Next, there’s your claim that you and
other women are “very aroused” by
“gorgeous naked men.” Um, sorry, but
that’s not what the vagina monitor
says. Sex researcher Meredith Chivers
hooked some ladies up to a machine
that measures arousal through blood
flow in their ladyparts. Though the
women were aroused by footage of sex
acts, she also showed them footage of a
hot dude exercising naked. The vaginal
response: “Yeah, whatevs.”
And finally, for the perfect example of
how sex differences play out, if a man
flashes a woman on the street, it’s “You
pervert! I’m calling the cops.” If a woman
does it to a man, it’s probably one of the
best days he’s had in forever: “Wow…it’s
A PROBLEM? WRITE AMY ALKON, 171 PIER AVE, #280, SANTA MONICA, CA
90405, OR E-MAIL ADVICEAMY@AOL.COM (WWW.ADVICEGODDESS.COM) WEEKLY RADIO
SHOW: BLOGTALKRADIO.COM/AMYALKON
not even my birthday! How ‘bout some
yoga poses? Downward-facing dog?
Shoulder stand?…Wait. Where are you
going? Come back! I think you dropped
an earring.”
The Gift Of Blab
My girlfriend tells her mother and
her friends pretty much everything.
Literally four of her friends and her
mom were weighing in on her recent
urinary tract infection. I just don’t
get why she feels the need to let everybody
know her business, and it’s
the opposite of what I do. I’m very
private, and I’d like us to have some
things that stay between us -- especially
stuff that goes on in the bedroom.
How would I set boundaries
like this? And does this mean that we
are ultimately incompatible?
--Mr. Uncomfortable
JUNE 30 - JULY 27 • 2016 CELEBRATING 27 YEARS
23
Being compatible with somebody
doesn’t mean you’re like them in all
ways. I’m an extrovert, which is to say
I see a dead car battery as an opportunity
to learn about some tow truck driver’s
childhood in Guatemala. Contrast
that with my introvert boyfriend, who
recently turned down an invitation he
got to this really cool event, telling me,
“I already said hello to somebody this
week.”
Beyond individual human differences,
there are some male-female differences,
like in feelings- and informationsharing.
Sex differences researcher
Joyce Benenson explains that men
evolved to be the physical defenders
of the species, and it would have put
a man at a deadly disadvantage to
show the enemy his emotions -- like if
he went all scaredypants from fear: “Oh
my God, is that the enemy? I’m gonna
throw up.”
Women, on the other hand, evolved
to build support networks and avoid
social exclusion by convincing other
women that they aren’t a threat. A
woman does this not by hiding her
vulnerabilities but by putting her problems
and weaknesses on parade -- a la
“My ladyparts have been declared an
Environment Canada cleanup zone!”
In other words, your privacy nightmare
-- the scrapbooking circle getting
together to focus-group your medical
issues -- is your girlfriend’s emotional
comfort zone. But this isn’t necessarily
a sign that your relationship is toast. For
a relationship to make it, you and your
partner don’t have to be the same; you
just have to have enough in common
and be loving in dealing with each other’s
differing bizarro needs.
If there were such a thing as psychological
catnip for humans, it would
probably be feeling understood. So,
tell your girlfriend that you understand
it helps her to hash things out with her
mom and the ladypeeps and that you
think that’s great. You’re just wired differently.
Explain how, and then -- sweetly
-- make your request: You’d feel most
comfortable if what happens between
you stays between you…given that
your idea of openness involves making
people sign a 30-page nondisclosure
agreement before viewing the heavily
encrypted photos -- of Steve, your dog.
Last Year’s
Shaggage
I’m a woman who’s had a casual
hookup thing with a guy for almost
two years. I want a serious relationship,
and I really like him and would
like it to be with him. When we’re
together, we have a great time, but
he can go a week or two without contacting
me. Last week, he showed up
late to my birthday, with no present
and not even a card. I know I should
cut him off, but the sex is great, and
there’s nobody else on the horizon.
Any chance he’ll finally realize I’m a
catch and come around?
--Hoping
The guy didn’t even give you a birthday
card. Even the car wash gives you a
birthday card.
Any guy with an IQ exceeding the
highway speed limit gets that birthdays
are a big deal to most women. And if
you care about birthdays and a guy
cares about you, he’ll step up -- at the
very least by running into a drugstore,
grabbing a card, and checking that the
pre-printed heartfelt message inside
isn’t “To my very special grandson! On
his very special day!”
In a hookup situation, it actually isn’t
crazy to hope for an upgrade from sexfriend
to girlfriend. In a survey by Kinsey
Institute researcher Justin Garcia, 51
percent of the people who had hookups
went into them hoping to kick-start
a romantic relationship. In another survey,
9.8 percent of hookups led to committed
relationships. However, there’s
a progression that takes place in going
from lust to emotional attachment. It
has a hormonal profile and a general
timetable, and, well, two years into a sex
thing, the attachment train is probably
well out of the station.
In other words, it’s time to take this relationship
to the next level -- “the end.”
On a positive note, it’s possible that removing
yourself from this guy’s life will
make him realize that he loves you and
needs you in it -- leading him to start
showing boyfriend-type attentiveness.
Either way, you’re setting yourself up
to have a man you can count on to be
there for you -- and not just naked and
at the ready whenever his Wi-Fi goes
down.
©2016, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved.
Order Amy Alkon’s new book, “Good
Manners For Nice People Who Sometimes
Say The F-Word” (St. Martin’s Press,
June 3, 2014).