Huckleberry Press 121516

Page 10 Huckleberry Press December 15, 2016
FRESH CHUCKLEBERRIES!
Warning! Not to be taken internally, literally, or seriously!
“You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.” -- Anonymous
“Laughter
is the shortest distance
between two people.”
~ Victor Borge
A German, an American
and a Russian walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them
suspiciously and says, “Is this
some kind of a joke?”
An elderly couple are in
church. The wife leans over
and whispers to her husband, "I
just let out a long, silent toot.
What should I do?"
The husband replies,
"First off, replace the batteries
in your hearing aid!"
Not at the Dinner Table
A boy asks his father,
"Dad, are bugs good to eat?"
"That's disgusting.
Don't talk about things like that
over dinner," the dad replies.
After dinner the
father asks, "Now, son, what
did you want to ask me?"
"Oh, nothing," the
boy says. "There was a bug in
your soup, but now it’s gone.”
Head of the Class
One day Jimmy got
home early from school and
his mom asked, "Why are you
home so early?"
He answered,
"Because I was the only one
that answered a question in my
class."
She said, "Wow, my
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son is a genius. What was the
question?"
Jimmy replied, "The
question was 'Who threw the
trash can at the principal's
head?”
A 3 years old boy sits near a
pregnant woman.
Boy: Why do you look so fat?
Woman: I have a baby inside
me.
Boy: Is it a good baby?
Woman: Yes, it is a very good
baby.
Boy: Then why did you eat it?
I went to see a mortgage
advisor with my 7-year-old
son. As soon as I sat at the
desk, my son sat down and said
the man, “Hello, I am not her
husband.”
5-year-old: “Can I have a
Twik?”
Me: “You mean Twix?”
5-year-old: “No. I only want
one.”
“C’mon, Elsa! Get it
together!” My almost 3-yearold
said this to her doll who
kept falling over.
I sat down with my 3-yearold
daughter who was playing
at her dollhouse. I asked her
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which doll I could be and she
replied, “The one that does the
dishes.”
Dropped my son off at
preschool and he says, “Have a
good weekend, Mommy,” as he
leaves the car.
Fantastic exercise that really
helps you to lose weight: Turn
your head to the left. Good.
Now turn your head to the
right. Very good. Repeat this
exercise whenever you are
offered any food.
A man got hit hard in the head
with a can of 7up. He’s alright
though, it was a soft drink.
Q: Why did the physics
teacher break up with the
biology teacher?
A: There was no chemistry.
Q. Why do the French
like to eat snails so much?
A. They can’t stand fast food.
Husband: “Oh the weather
is lovely today. Shall we
go out for a quick jog?“
Wife: “Hahaha, I love the way
you pronounce ‘Shall we go
out and have a cake’!”
Daughter: Daddy did
you know that girls
are smarter than boys?
Daddy: No, I didn’t know that.
Daughter: There you go.
Late one night a mugger
wearing a mask stopped a welldressed
man and stuck a gun in
his ribs.
"Give me your
money," he demanded.
Scandalized, the man
replied, "You can’t do this –
I’m a US Congressman!"
"Oh! In that case,"
smiled the robber, "Give me
MY money!"
A recent scientific
study showed that out of
2,293,618,367 people, 94% are
too lazy to actually read that
number.
Police officer talks to a driver,
“Your tail light is broken,
you need new tires, and your
bumper hangs halfway down.
That will be 300 dollars.”
Driver says, “Alright,
go ahead. They want twice as
much as that at the garage.”
I’ve always thought my
neighbors were quite nice
people. But then they put a
password on their Wi-Fi.
Bob: "Holy schmoozes, I just
fell off a 30 ft ladder."
Jim: "No way man, are you
okay?"
Bob: "Yeah, luckily I was just
on the first step."
Insurance clerk: "Where
were you born, Sir?"
Man: "In the United States."
Insurance clerk: "OK, and
which part?"
Man: "My entire body."
My wife is a bit weird. She
always starts her talking with
“Are you listening to me?”
One day, fridges will take
their revenge. They will burst
into your bedroom in the
middle of the night, switch the
light on, stare at you for a few
minutes and then leave.
What if dogs fetch the ball
back only because they think
you really like throwing it?
Q: What did the judge ask
when he went to the dentist?
A: “Do you swear to pull the
tooth, the whole tooth and
nothing but the tooth?”
“Little Jonny, why did you
put your teddy in the freezer?”
“I would like to have a polar
bear.”
Man to his wife: “Do you
know what our 6 year old son
wants to be once he’s big?”
Wife: “No.”
Man: “A garbage man. And
you know why?”
Wife: “No, why?”
Man: “Because he thinks they
only work on Tuesdays.”
An eskimo brings his friend
to his home for a visit.
When they arrive,
his friend asks, puzzled –
“So where’s your igloo?”
“Oh no, I must’ve left
the iron on!!!”
In a dress boutique:
“Could I try the
dress in the shop window,
please?”
“I’m sorry madam,
but, no. We have dressing
rooms for that.”
A guy calls the fire department
and yells excitedly: “You have
to come, now, there’s a fire!”
“OK sir, but please
tell us how do we get to you.”
The man asks,
puzzled: “What, you don’t have
them big red trucks anymore?”
Q: How many times
could old Noah go fishing?
A: Only twice. He only had 2
worms.
What did the toilet
roll complain about?
"People just keep ripping me
off!"
Whatever you do, always give
it your 100%. Unless you are
donating blood.
A student at a management
school came up to a pretty girl
and hugged her without any
warning.
The surprised girl
said, “What was that?”
The guy smiled at
her, “Direct marketing!”
The girl slapped him
soundly.
“What was that?!”
said the boy, holding his cheek.
“ C u s t o m e r
feedback.”
Yes, I’ve lost to my computer
at chess. But it turned out to be
no match for me at kickboxing.
I was sitting in a bar one
day and two really large
women came in, talking
in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you
two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled
at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”
So I corrected myself,
“Oh, right, so are you two
whales from Ireland?”
That’s about as far as
I remember.
My dog once ate all the
Scrabble tiles. He kept leaving
messages around the house for
days.
Q: What did one wall
say to the other wall?
A: We’ll meet at the corner.
What to do when somebody
is trying to start an argument
with you? Simply eat a few
cookies. They taste very nice
and you can’t hear anything
over the crunching.
Q: Why do people never eat
clocks?
A: Because it’s really time
consuming.
Q: What's the name of your
new dog?
A: I don’t know. He won’t tell.
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The Best of the
HUCKLEBERRY’S
CHUCKLEBERRIES
Compiled and Edited by
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VOL. 1 - Second Edition
with BONUS Chuckleberries!
WARNING: Not to be
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