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Battling Brothers & Sparring Sisters
Are your children constantly ‘at’ each
other, arguing, fighting and generally
failing to get on? Congratulations,
you’ve got a ‘normal’ family.
The causes of ‘Sibling Rivalry’ are quite simple
– from the moment you have more than one
child they are in constant competition (either
consciously or unconsciously) for your attention
and often for material things too – food, toys,
the TV remote, but mainly you!
Until they are adults your children’s
different ages will mean they are at different
developmental milestones which can lead
to friction. This can be exacerbated by
being different sexes. Also, parents need to
remember that children are individuals and,
even within the same family unit, can have
widely different personalities.
While sibling rivalry may be normal, it can be
quite upsetting to see, and hear, your children
battling with each other. Children don’t pull
their punches and can be exceptionally cruel
to each other. If the fighting is persistent it
can make the whole household stressed and
unhappy. So what can parents do?
For most people the inclination is to wade in
and deal with it. Unfortunately, this isn’t the
best way to approach battling siblings. For the
most part parents should stand back and let
the kids sort it out for themselves. If you get
into the habit of resolving conflict between your
children, they will end up expecting you to do
it all the time. Having young children who can’t
sort out their problems is bad enough but fast
forward and you could end up with offspring
in their 40s still waiting for Mum and Dad to
mediate.
The upside to sibling rivalry is that it has an
obvious evolutionary advantage. Just like
puppies play fighting, children getting into
disagreements have to learn how to negotiate
and resolve their problems which helps prepare
them for some of the difficulties that await
them in adult life. Obviously if your children are
physically beating each other up you have to
intervene and make them stop. If the bickering
gets too much for you then separate them and
give them plenty of time to calm down before
letting them attempt to resolve the conflict
themselves.
Rather than dealing with the conflict as and
when it arises pre-empt it by having certain
rules that apply across the household.
• No bad language or name calling.
• No physical violence.
• No yelling, stomping off or banging doors.
Unfortunately, you have to practice what you
preach. If your child sees adults shouting,
name-calling or slamming doors then they will
imitate it.
It is important to remember to let your children
know that they are allowed to dislike their
siblings or to feel angry with them. These
feelings are valid and quite beyond the child’s
control. However, the difference between
feelings which cannot be controlled and
actions, which can, be must be emphasised.
Remind children that it’s not their feelings you
have an issue with but the way they act on
them. Being angry or annoyed with someone
doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Some
people don’t allow their children to use the
word ‘hate’ but if they do say they ‘hate’ their
sibling don’t make them feel guilty about it.
They’re people, they’re never going to be
perfect and guilt just leads to more resentment
and a vicious circle of bickering.
Other golden rules to minimize rivalry...
• Give your individual children space. They
have to share you with each other. They
possibly have to share a room, clothing
and other things so let them have time to
themselves. It might seem obvious but if you
have a school age child and a pre-schooler
often the older child never gets to do anything
without the younger child in attendance. It’s not
easy to juggle various children’s timetables and
commitments but it is important that school
age children aren’t expected to include the
younger sibling(s) in every thing they do.
• Try to ensure you have some private oneon-one
time with each child and whenever
possible let the child decide how to spend that
private time.
• If squabbles regularly erupt over the same
things – the TV remote, the tablet or computer,
certain prized toys, then draw up a schedule
as to who has what and when. If that doesn’t
work, then make the desired object off-limits
for a short time.
• Don’t compare. Your children are different
and may excel or struggle in different areas.
There is no point in saying “Oh Luke was ever
so good at this when he was your age.” It will
not improve the situation and just lead to Luke
being resented.
• Remember that older siblings while more
mature are still children. Ultimately the
responsibility for younger siblings is yours, not
theirs. Similarly, older children will have different
privileges than younger siblings, like staying up
later. Don’t give in to the ‘Pester Power’ of the
smaller ones and even things up in the name of
fairness – because that’s not fair!
• As they grow, change and mature your
children’s relationships with each other will
change too. In the meantime, try to enjoy family
activities that are fun for everyone.
When a new baby arrives...
Anne Marie Scanlon for Primary Times
It’s a truth universally acknowledged that
everyone is overjoyed at the arrival of a new
baby. For older siblings it’s not so simple.
Especially if until now they’ve been the only
child. This new person has just disrupted
their life and completely changed the family
dynamic.
There are a few tricks to help children
acclimatise to the new arrival. The baby is
going to be inundated with presents and
attention, so existing children should receive
a gift from the baby, which will help take
the sting out. These gifts don’t have to be
extravagant or expensive, it’s just a simple
way of letting the children know they are not
being overlooked.
When Mum comes home from hospital, it’s
best if someone else carries the baby. Mum
needs free arms in order to hug and cuddle
the other children.
Let the children ‘help’ with the baby. Children
of any age can snuggle into Mum while she’s
feeding the baby. Let the children hold the
baby. (Obviously, with younger ones make
sure they’re seated with an adult before
handing the bundle over). Older children
often derive a great deal of pleasure from
helping to look after the baby.
Gently remind visitors to acknowledge the
‘big brothers’ and ‘big sisters’ as well as the
new person.
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Primary Times, South & West Essex • Easter Holiday 2016
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