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<strong>Now</strong> That's A Pony<br />
Whimsical Tales<br />
of Whimsy<br />
by<br />
Audree Flynn
Copyright © 2016 by Audree Flynn<br />
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner<br />
whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a<br />
book review or scholarly journal.<br />
First Printing: 2016
This is dedicated to the ones I love,<br />
my parents,<br />
Brown and Penny Flynn
she spoke like Edward G. Robinson.<br />
In “Little Caesar.”<br />
Not all the time you understand, but the girl said “see”, a lot, see,<br />
enough that now her folks just called her “Ed.”<br />
But they had a nice house and a cat they called “the cat”<br />
and life was good, especially now<br />
with Christmas just ahead.
Ed worked on arts and crafts<br />
with the cat right by her side,<br />
and for Christmas,<br />
she made gifts to put beneath the tree.<br />
“Peace on Earth” coasters.<br />
Salt shakers, with little trees<br />
and little deer.<br />
Mostly it was stuff like<br />
that see.
Ed gave her folks the gifts she made,<br />
her folks oohed and aahed like your folks will do<br />
no matter what you give 'em.<br />
But after Christmas, see,<br />
Ed never saw the gifts again,<br />
and she wondered if they really wanted something<br />
store-bought, wrapped in ribbon.
In a back room<br />
off the hall, see,<br />
Ed found<br />
the gifts one day,<br />
encased in<br />
kitty spit<br />
and kitty hair.<br />
Cats have their own ideas<br />
on where things ought to<br />
be, and they'll wait 'til<br />
you're asleep<br />
to put 'em there.
Ed made arts and crafts<br />
but for the cat without a name,<br />
she made up stories<br />
“littered”<br />
with cat humor.<br />
You guessed it,<br />
Ed just called him “C.”<br />
Handmade gifts can't be exchanged<br />
so cheap device or not,<br />
that's it for why<br />
she talked like Edward G.
By now, everyone, including Ed,<br />
was sick and tired of “Little Caesar”, see;<br />
they gave the cat a name<br />
he never answered to when called.<br />
The handmade gifts still sparkled<br />
through the kitty spit and fur,<br />
and Ed had no inscrutable disorder<br />
after all.
So believe in those you love,<br />
Christmas comes but once a year,<br />
could we suffer twice as many<br />
no one knows.<br />
But with Fluffy by your side<br />
and if those you love are near,<br />
the real gift isn't wrapped up<br />
all in bows.
A Jack<br />
Tale<br />
He was mean as a possum's eye in summer.<br />
As a chip-toothed snake.<br />
They called him Jack, among other things.<br />
Jack Pollock.
So you think, well you mean like Jackson Pollock. The<br />
painter.<br />
Nope.<br />
Just Jack. Just-Jack Pollock, and Just-Jack Pollock never<br />
even heard of Jackson Pollock, and the only thing Jack<br />
Pollock ever painted was maybe a barn, or his mother's<br />
living room.<br />
Except, Jack Pollock wouldn't paint his mother's living<br />
room for her, that's how mean he was, Jack Pollock was<br />
the kind of man you didn't want to be alone in a room<br />
with whether he was painting it or not.<br />
So you think, well what made Jack Pollock mean as a<br />
chip-toothed possum.<br />
An incident from childhood, maybe a brother drowned<br />
in Tiller's Creek.<br />
Maybe the wife ran off with a farm equipment salesman.<br />
Some dark abuse at a father's hand. Maybe a mother's.<br />
Nope.<br />
Jack Pollock never married, probably because no woman<br />
in her right mind would have him, and he was an only<br />
child, probably because his folks didn't want another one<br />
just like him and speaking of his folks, they were decent
people who worked hard and paid their bills on time and<br />
sweetly dispositioned, both of 'em.<br />
In spite of coming from a warm, loving home, Jack Pollock<br />
was a man who enjoyed being mean and it ran red through<br />
his veins and was part of him as surely as an arm or an eye.<br />
Or a heart, if he'd had one, mean as he was.<br />
Yeah. “Was”.<br />
Jack Pollock is dead.<br />
So you think, well what happened. What happened to<br />
snake-chip mean Jack Pollock.<br />
Maybe he was killed in a standoff with the police.<br />
He was drinking, and got mouthy with someone he didn't know<br />
was armed.<br />
A co-worker. Maybe someone he worked with just had<br />
enough of Just-Jack Pollock.<br />
Nope.<br />
In spite of how mean he was, Jack Pollock never had any trouble<br />
with the law, didn't drink, and at work he was alone most of the<br />
time because he worked as the night watchman for a meat<br />
rendering plant.<br />
Why a meat rendering plant needs a night watchman I do<br />
not know, but there you are, so, early one morning Jack Pollock
was driving home from the meat rendering plant, he was tired<br />
and it was dark, his car ran off the road and smashed into a huge<br />
oak tree.<br />
Hard wood, oak. Killed, instantly. And no pain.<br />
So you think, well didn't you just tell me, repeatedly,<br />
how mean Jack Pollock was.<br />
Then you give me dead on impact. No long, protracted suffering.<br />
Just, wham.<br />
And that's it. No ironic twist or karmic justice, nothing, so<br />
maybe there's a point you're trying to make.<br />
Nope.<br />
In spite of the mounting suspicion you've been<br />
hornswoggled, and the capriciousness of fate, and the<br />
fifteen times I've told you what a so-and-so Jack Pollock<br />
was, in spite of all that there's not a point.<br />
Unless it's this.<br />
Explanations exculpate.<br />
Some people are just mean.<br />
It doesn't matter why.
A Sad Tale<br />
Hello Friends,<br />
Today's do-it-yourself topic is something a fair number of you<br />
seem to be interested in. Lately I've been getting a lot of letters<br />
like this one:
“These days money's tighter than a you-know-what, and before<br />
the end of the month my porn budget, among other things, is<br />
shot—I'd like to make my own porn but I also want my projects<br />
to have a little pizazz—suggestions?”<br />
I've done a few “DIY projects” in my time, if you know what I<br />
mean, so I understand. You want some footage good enough that<br />
if, heaven forbid, you keeled over tomorrow, your kids wouldn't<br />
be too embarrassed for the wrong reasons if they found it.<br />
<strong>Now</strong> the first thing you want to think about is lighting, lighting's<br />
important. As you know, I was in “the business” for a looong<br />
time and when I say “looong”, believe-you-me, I know what I'm<br />
talking about. Made a few friends. Maybe an enemy here or<br />
there...maybe someone you've heard of...a Miss Suzanne Somers...<br />
She wasn't in “the business” you understand, goodness no, butter<br />
wouldn't melt in her mouth, or anything else...no, this was<br />
waaay back, at Van Nuys Community College...I have done other<br />
things besides porn you know...there was this little theater group at<br />
VNCC...well that's all water under the bridge I suppose. Lighting.<br />
Right. <strong>Now</strong>, the thing to keep in mind with lighting is change<br />
needs to be gradual, you don't want it to look like you suddenly<br />
turned on a blinding...<br />
Blanche.<br />
Blanche Dubois. A Streetcar Named Desire.<br />
“It was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that<br />
had always been half in shadow”.
Blanche says that. Back at Van Nuys, I was up for the part of<br />
Blanche. I would've gotten it too.<br />
But then in walks Suzanne, and I don't know who she slept with<br />
to get that part but she stole it right out from under me.<br />
Lost all my confidence after that. I got a couple of commercials.<br />
Local stuff, a car dealership and...look at me, going on like this.<br />
Let's just get back to lighting. <strong>Now</strong> lighting is important because<br />
porn is mostly visual and even with good “equipment”, ha-ha,<br />
you need the proper lighting so you can see how the “action”,<br />
woohoo, plays out.<br />
Plays out.<br />
You know what played out is? My youth was suddenly gone up<br />
the water-spout.<br />
No no no, that's Streetcar again, and that was my best line too,<br />
you know what played out is, I nailed that…<br />
Then in walks Miss Suzanne all high and mighty...and where<br />
does that leave me, doing a Ken “Kenny” Kenshaw's Autoworld<br />
gig where all I do is walk on and say, “Hi, Ken! “, is where that<br />
leaves me.<br />
And a bee.<br />
I did one Hun-ee-Bee Honey commercial. I'm a bee, and I say,<br />
“What's all the buzz about?”
Soooo....porn. It's good money and it pays the bills but...<br />
from Blanche in Streetcar to Pookie in Sleazeball Sluts 3...<br />
Three.
A Tale of a<br />
Different Feather<br />
Phil and Don were looking around one day, for various<br />
nuts and grains, beetle and locust larvae. They'd been<br />
at it for a while so they decided to take a break, and<br />
they both sat down on the same branch of the same tree.<br />
Actually, they didn't sit, so much as they landed.
Phil and Don are crows.<br />
Not crow-like, or crow-ing, Phil and Don are crows, they<br />
are big, black birdies with black birdie wings with black<br />
birdie feathers and they have little birdie feet.<br />
Except, they're crows so they have big birdie feet, and<br />
they have the same names as the Everly Brothers because<br />
“Phil” and “Don” are nice birdie names, and because you<br />
can't expect Phil and Don to fly around going “hey you”<br />
just because they're crows.<br />
So Phil and Don landed on the same branch of the same<br />
tree which had never happened before and which is surprising,<br />
given how much flying around and landing Phil and Don do,<br />
and everything was fine for all of five seconds.<br />
Then things took a turn.<br />
***<br />
You're on my branch, Don.<br />
So what, there's plenty of room.<br />
Well that's not the point. Whether there's enough room for<br />
both of us on this branch is not the point.<br />
What was the point again, I'm foggy on that.<br />
Look don't be obtuse here Don, the point is that's your<br />
branch there. This branch here, this is my branch. That's<br />
always been your branch. This has always been my branch.
You're on my branch, Don.<br />
What do you mean, always been your branch.<br />
I mean it's always been that way. It's just common sense.<br />
“Always been that way” is a tautological argument, and<br />
common sense is, it doesn't matter how many birds are on<br />
any branch as long as there's enough room. This is like<br />
that bathroom thing.<br />
What in god's name are you talking about Don.<br />
That thing where some people want to tell other people<br />
what bathroom they can use. Or can't use. That thing. You<br />
just don't like change.<br />
No. No I don't like change. There's a way things ought to be<br />
and that's the way they are and if they stayed that way for a<br />
gabillion years that'd be just fine with me and you're still on<br />
my branch Don...<br />
***<br />
It went on like that until they finally flew away.<br />
But when it's early and I go out to get the paper,<br />
sometimes, Phil and Don are there.<br />
Still at it.
And I read somewhere crows are very emotional creatures,<br />
that they're a lot like us.<br />
Or maybe it was we're a lot like them.
So Merry Christmas,<br />
and when life won't go your way,<br />
remember,<br />
So Merry Christmas,<br />
and when life won’t go your way,<br />
remember,
things could always be a lot worse.<br />
things could always be a lot worse.
Love,<br />
Love,<br />
Your Little<br />
Cowgirll