Successful Parenting
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<strong>Successful</strong><br />
<strong>Parenting</strong><br />
8 Ways to Bring<br />
Out the Best<br />
in Your Family
Dear friend,<br />
The booklet you hold in your hands is<br />
one in a series designed to help you with<br />
practical “hands-on” information in your<br />
personal search for a better life and to<br />
help those you care most about.<br />
No matter who you are or where in life<br />
you are looking for answers—whether it<br />
be marriage, health, parenting, the loss<br />
of a loved one, overcoming an addiction,<br />
or working through stress or financial<br />
problems—there is help available and<br />
there is hope.<br />
We trust this booklet and others in the<br />
Peacefinders series will be a blessing<br />
to you and your family as you journey<br />
through each passage of life.<br />
—The Publishers
Copyright © 2011<br />
PROJECT: Steps to Christ, Inc.<br />
302 Foster Road<br />
Fort Covington, NY 12937<br />
Printed in the USA<br />
Scripture taken from the New King James Version.<br />
Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson,Inc. Used by permission.<br />
All rights reserved.
y Victor Parachin<br />
Jane Riggs of Phoenix, Arizona is a single parent<br />
who is fiercely proud of her five children,<br />
the four girls (two are twins) and a boy. “I<br />
have kept them involved in all kinds of activities—<br />
choir, band, sports, chores at home,” she explains.<br />
“They attend church with my father every Sunday.<br />
Their grades are good and they have aspirations<br />
of attending universities. That will be tough for<br />
a single parent like me to afford, but we’ll manage,”<br />
she adds. Recently, her 75-year-old father<br />
had two femoral bypass surgeries. One became severely<br />
infected, resulting in a longer than expected<br />
hospital stay.<br />
When he was released, doctors recommended<br />
placing him in a nursing home. His leg had to be
2<br />
flushed every four hours and his IV changed every<br />
eight hours. It meant around-the-clock nursing. “I<br />
work 10 to 14 hours a day, but I just couldn’t put Dad<br />
in a home; and my kids wouldn’t hear of it either,”<br />
Riggs says. Here is how her family worked together.<br />
Fourteen-year-old Elizabeth packed up and<br />
moved into her grandfather’s house. The nursing<br />
service taught her how to take care of him.<br />
Kit, Kate and Ashley rode their bikes over daily to<br />
wash, cook, clean, shop, or do anything else which<br />
was necessary. Michael, the 11-year-old, mowed<br />
the lawn. All of the younger children took turns<br />
watching TV or visiting with their grandfather so<br />
their big sister could get some rest. “Their entire<br />
summer was devoted to taking care of the only<br />
man in their life. They skipped going to the movies,<br />
swimming with their friends, visiting the mall,<br />
attending slumber parties, and birthday parties,<br />
and everything else kids do in the summer. I was<br />
so proud of my children,” Riggs adds.<br />
That single mother has every reason to be<br />
proud of her children. Strong and healthy families<br />
know how to work together for the common<br />
good. Often, the test of a family comes when there<br />
is a crisis. Then, some families pull together while<br />
others pull apart.
3<br />
Here are eight ways to bring out<br />
the best in your family.<br />
1<br />
Be a Positive-Thinking Parent<br />
Set a tone in your home which gets everyone,<br />
including yourself, thinking, speaking<br />
and acting positively about each other. “Whatever<br />
things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever<br />
things are just, whatever things are pure,<br />
whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of<br />
good report, if there is any virtue and if there is<br />
anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things”<br />
(Philippians 4:8).<br />
Avoid belittling a child by saying, “You’re a<br />
bad girl.” The problem with that kind of negative<br />
language is this: tell a child she or he is bad and<br />
they may, indeed, grow up to be bad. However,<br />
call your children good, talented, creative, and<br />
they will, in all likelihood, grow up to be good,<br />
talented, creative individuals. As a parent, always<br />
accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative.<br />
Do this even when issues and problems emerge in<br />
the family.<br />
Mary G. Durkin, author of Making Your<br />
Family Work, offers this sound advice:
4<br />
“Even if you must discuss problems in the<br />
family, you’ll have much greater success if you accentuate<br />
the positive. Instead of beginning a discussion<br />
on a critical note, begin by complimenting<br />
those involved. Because you’ve made lists of each<br />
person’s good traits, your compliments will be sincere<br />
and hard to resist. They’ll also set the stage for<br />
openness to your other comments, which might<br />
be more critical.”<br />
2<br />
Pray Together<br />
There is much truth in this popular proverb:<br />
“The family that prays together, stays together.”<br />
Let regular worship be an integral part of<br />
your family lifestyle. Take your children to church;<br />
enroll them in activities for their age; get them involved<br />
in youth groups; have them sing in the choir,<br />
etc. In the context of church and worship, you and<br />
your children will learn new spiritual truths, receive<br />
hope and inspiration, establish friendships with<br />
other Christians, and continue to grow spiritually,<br />
intellectually and emotionally.<br />
In her book, Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts<br />
on Faith, author Anne Lamott has a fascinating<br />
chapter titled, “Why I Make Sam Go To Church.”<br />
Anne Lamott admits her son, “Sam is the only
kid he knows who goes to church.” Nevertheless,<br />
his mother insists that he attend church with her.<br />
She eloquently describes why this is so important<br />
to her, and ultimately, to Sam: “The main reason<br />
I want him in church is to give him what I have<br />
found in the world: a path and a little light to see<br />
by. Most of the people I know who have what I<br />
want—which is to say; purpose, heart, balance,<br />
gratitude and joy—are people with a deep sense<br />
of spirituality. They are people in a community<br />
who pray or practice their faith… people banding<br />
together to work on themselves and for human<br />
rights. They follow a brighter light than the glimmer<br />
of their own candle; they are part of something<br />
beautiful.…<br />
“Our funky little church is filled with people<br />
who are working for peace and freedom, who are<br />
out there on the streets and inside praying; and<br />
they are home writing letters, and they are at shelters<br />
with giant platters of food.”<br />
3<br />
Always Keep the Lines of<br />
Communication Open<br />
For her book, Traits of a Healthy Family,<br />
author Delores Curran surveyed 551 families.<br />
Responding to an extensive questionnaire, those<br />
5
6<br />
individuals shared with her their insights on what<br />
makes for a healthy family. “Communicating and<br />
listening were chosen as the number one traits<br />
found in healthy families by my 551 survey respondents,”<br />
she notes. They indicated that without<br />
communication family members don’t know<br />
each other. If they don’t know each other, then<br />
the level of caring for each other diminishes considerably.<br />
“Communication is at the top of the<br />
family list because it is basic to loving relationships,”<br />
Curran says. “It’s the energy that fuels the<br />
caring, giving, sharing, and affirming. Without<br />
genuine listening and sharing of ourselves, we<br />
can’t know one another. We become a household<br />
of roommates who react rather than respond to<br />
one another’s needs.”<br />
So, always keep lines of communication open<br />
with children. And, when they speak, be an active<br />
listener—that is, one who puts things together, understanding<br />
the feelings behind the words. When<br />
your children are truly heard, problems shrink<br />
considerably and parental influence soars.<br />
4<br />
Be<br />
Involved with Your Children<br />
Every child needs a strong attachment with<br />
their parents. Playtime, physical contact
and conversation produce an emotional investment<br />
which yields positive results. Never allow<br />
work demands, the shortage of time, or the general<br />
stresses and strains of life to keep you from being<br />
closely involved with your children. Strong and<br />
vibrant families only emerge when parents take<br />
an active interest in their children and their concerns.<br />
A good example of this kind of involvement<br />
comes through the life of actor Michael Clarke<br />
Duncan. Although he is enjoying immense success<br />
from his roles in The Green Mile and Planet<br />
of the Apes, Duncan grew up on the rough South<br />
Side of Chicago in the 60s and 70s. After his father<br />
left home, Duncan and his sister Judy were raised<br />
singlehandedly by their mother, Jean. Although<br />
she was a single parent whose discretionary time<br />
was limited, Jean took an active role in the lives of<br />
her children.<br />
“My mother taught me how to play baseball,<br />
how to ride a bike,” Michael says. “She would come<br />
out and bat with us. I used to be embarrassed.<br />
I was like, ‘Mama, nobody else’s mother will do<br />
that.’ I didn’t realize that nobody else’s mother<br />
could do that,” he adds. Jean Duncan also taught<br />
her son the importance of legible handwriting,<br />
pressed clothes, holding doors for women. She<br />
7
8<br />
warned him about drugs and alcohol, pointing out<br />
neighborhood losers addicted to both. “I’ve never<br />
tasted a beer, smoked or gotten high. Cranberry<br />
juice is as crazy as it gets for me,” he says.<br />
5<br />
Apply Discipline with Wisdom<br />
and Compassion<br />
The Bible reminds parents: “Do not provoke<br />
your children to wrath” (Ephesians 6:4). When discipline<br />
must be applied, healthy and strong families<br />
apply discipline with wisdom, maturity and<br />
compassion. The discipline applied is constructive<br />
rather than destructive. They know the objective<br />
is to correct improper behavior rather than to humiliate<br />
a child. Thus the end result of discipline<br />
leaves the family strengthened, not weakened. In<br />
his book, Single <strong>Parenting</strong> From A Father’s Heart,<br />
Steve Horner shares an incident which took place<br />
when his son, J.J. (Joseph James) was nine years<br />
old. Horner, a Minnesota resident, remembers it<br />
was New Year’s Day and a fresh snowfall made for<br />
ideal snowmobiling conditions. “My 1970 Polaris<br />
Charger is a rare model that Sears sold for only<br />
one year before dropping out of the snowmobile<br />
business. I had kept it in immaculate condition<br />
and was proud of it,” he explains.
During the course of the day, Horner gave<br />
children rides and let adults drive it on their own.<br />
Late in the afternoon he asked where his son, J.J.,<br />
was. He learned that J.J. was giving a friend a ride<br />
on the snowmobile. “I was frantic,” he recalls. “J.J.<br />
isn’t supposed to drive the snowmobile by himself,<br />
much less give someone else a ride.” After a quick<br />
search, Horner spotted his son and friend with<br />
the snowmobile across a cornfield at the edge of<br />
a row of trees. “As I ran through the snow, I was<br />
concerned that the kids might be hurt. My second<br />
concern was J.J. disobeying a standing order not<br />
to drive the machine alone. My third concern was<br />
that my beautiful, cherished snowmobile might<br />
be smashed,” he says. As he approached the boys,<br />
it became evident that the boys were not hurt.<br />
However, J.J., in an attempt not to get bogged<br />
down in deep snow, accelerated the snowmobile.<br />
Quickly losing control, he smashed head on into<br />
a tree. “The chrome bumper was mangled, as well<br />
as the fiberglass hood covering the engine. It was a<br />
mess,” Horner laments.<br />
On the way home, Horner told J.J. how he felt<br />
and listed the many reasons why his son should<br />
not have been driving the machine. When they got<br />
home, J.J. was sent to his room. “The next morning<br />
9
10<br />
I drew up a plan to make this lesson memorable.<br />
We were going to fix the snowmobile together.”<br />
Over the next few weeks, J.J. and his father faithfully<br />
worked at straightening out the bumper,<br />
rechroming it, and repairing the hood with new<br />
fiberglass. “J.J. spent many hours sanding the fiberglass<br />
until it was smooth and ready for paint.<br />
He didn’t complain once. I think he realized he<br />
was getting off relatively easy, and, besides that, he<br />
was enjoying the fruits of his labor. I was proud of<br />
the way he stuck with the job until it was finished.<br />
He had learned a valuable lesson in perseverance,”<br />
his father says.<br />
6<br />
Allow Children to Suffer and<br />
Learn from Their Mistakes<br />
“Parents in competent families tend to allow<br />
their children and themselves to experience<br />
the cost of irresponsibility more easily then parents<br />
in other families,” notes Dolores Curran. She<br />
stresses that “competent” parents allow children<br />
to suffer the consequences of their actions. “If a<br />
library book is lost through carelessness, they insist<br />
their children make restitution out of their<br />
own allowances. If children offend others because<br />
of their behavior, they, not the parents, do
the apologizing. If a major homework paper isn’t<br />
turned in on time or there is a tardy at school,<br />
the students face the consequences in the form of<br />
a lower grade or after-school penalty; they don’t<br />
expect their parents to come up with an excuse to<br />
soften the teacher’s reaction.”<br />
7<br />
Practice the Fine Art of Seeking<br />
and Extending Forgiveness<br />
Parents and children are bound to disappoint<br />
and hurt one another from time to time.<br />
These small hurts can fester and grow into large<br />
resentments, which can destroy mutual trust and<br />
respect if not dealt with. Be a family that practices<br />
the art of seeking and extending forgiveness.<br />
Saturate your mind with these various biblical<br />
commands to forgive:<br />
Matthew 6:14—“For if you forgive men their<br />
trespasses, your heavenly Father will also<br />
forgive you.”<br />
11<br />
Mark 11:25—“And whenever you stand praying,<br />
if you have anything against anyone, forgive<br />
him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive<br />
you your trespasses.”
12<br />
Luke 17:4—“And if he sins against you seven<br />
times in a day, and seven times in a day<br />
returns to you, saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall<br />
forgive him.”<br />
Ephesians 4:32—“And be kind to one another,<br />
tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as<br />
God in Christ forgave you.”<br />
Colossians 3:13—“Bearing with one another, and<br />
forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint<br />
against another; even as Christ forgave<br />
you, so you also must do.”<br />
Psychologist James Dobson provides a personal<br />
example of this in his book, Solid Answers.<br />
“A number of years ago I was burdened with pressing<br />
responsibilities that fatigued me and made me<br />
irritable. One particular evening I was especially<br />
grouchy and short-tempered with my ten-year-old<br />
daughter,” he says.<br />
“Through the course of the evening, I blamed<br />
Danae for things that were not her fault and upset<br />
her needlessly several times. After going to bed,<br />
I felt bad about the way I had behaved and I decided<br />
to apologize the next morning.... I approached<br />
my daughter before she left for school and said,
13<br />
‘Danae, I’m sure you know that daddies are not<br />
perfect human beings. We get tired and irritable<br />
just like other people, and there are times when we<br />
are not proud of the way we behave. I know I wasn’t<br />
fair with you last night. I was terribly grouchy, and<br />
I want you to forgive me.’” Immediately his daughter<br />
placed her arms around him saying: “I knew<br />
you were going to have to apologize, Daddy, and<br />
it’s OK; I forgive you.”<br />
8<br />
Pray Diligently for Your Children<br />
Regularly and fervently, lift your children up<br />
to God in prayer. Today’s children are surrounded<br />
by violence, drugs, alcohol, and sex. This<br />
means the peer pressure on them is tremendous.<br />
Tap into spiritual resources, asking God to guide<br />
them, give them wisdom in their choices, and, ultimately,<br />
to protect them from various vices they will<br />
face. When you pray, pray with confidence, knowing<br />
that the God who created your children loves them<br />
even more than you do and that God will hear and<br />
respond to your petitions. “He shall call upon Me,<br />
and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble;<br />
I will deliver him and honor him” (Psalm 91:15);<br />
“Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; you<br />
shall cry, and He will say, ‘Here I am’”(Isaiah 58:9).
14<br />
* * *<br />
By cultivating these kinds of bonding traits,<br />
the individual members of a family become a<br />
team, which provides love, security, safety, friendship,<br />
and comfort. Then, when other relationships<br />
weaken and when life becomes a battle, it is the<br />
family which can become an oasis of hope amidst<br />
life’s dilemmas and difficulties.
Other titles available in<br />
the Peacefinder book series:<br />
You Can Stop Smoking<br />
Addiction Free<br />
Ten Ways to Improve Your Marriage<br />
A Dozen Ways to Defeat Loneliness<br />
Hope in Times of Trouble<br />
Money Management<br />
Stress Management<br />
Survival Tips for Single <strong>Parenting</strong><br />
<strong>Successful</strong> <strong>Parenting</strong><br />
Living with Loss<br />
The Healing of Sorrow<br />
Life After Death<br />
Medical Miracle<br />
Gentle Ways to Ease Depression<br />
To order additional titles, visit our online<br />
bookstore at www.peacefinders.org<br />
or call 1-800-728-6872.
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