BRANCHES March 2018

SOUTHWOOD
PARENTING
PARTNERS
by Derrick Harris
and Peter Render
Parenting! What comes to mind when you read the word?
Good? Bad? I don’t wanna talk about it? Do you gloat in your
successes or loathe the memories of past mistakes? Whatever
comes to your mind, it will never change one fact: there is only
one perfect parent and it is not you. It’s not us either. It IS God.
Though, if we analyze his style of parenting, it can become, well,
downright confusing.
Many have judged God by our modern secular parenting
standards and accused him of cosmic child abuse for letting
his only son die, abandonment for watching it happen, and
negligence for being nowhere in sight. But wait, Jesus IS God!
Therefore, we should rightfully and respectfully award God with
the glory that he is due. God, the Author of life, redeemed the
entire universe through his life, death, and resurrection, offers
us eternal security, provides constant presence and friendship
through his Spirit, and extends the opportunity to be adopted
as his sons and daughters through faith. He also has a plan to
renovate all of creation through lives that are surrendered to his
will until he returns to take us all home. When we really remember
who God is, we are forced to focus on his righteousness that has
been imputed to us and has washed away our ultimate failures.
Parenting is yet one more opportunity to remember our Creator,
our redemption, and our future hope.
Peter and I have been working with parents for nearly 40 years
combined, and we have never heard a parent say, “I’ve got this
parenting thing down and I don’t need any help or support.”
Rather, it has been the complete opposite. It’s been countless
meetings with families, typically done in confidence, where they
unmask their struggles with parenting. Most feel as though they
are the only ones who have difficulty, describing the lonely island
that they inhabit as castaways from the “normal” life. This lonely
island feels like separation from the rest of the world where they
are just trying to figure out how to survive. Many times, they
blame themselves for the struggles they are facing. They feel
ill-equipped to face the challenges that rearing another sinful
creature affords. The struggle works itself into every crevice
of their lives, especially their marriages. We get the amazing
opportunity to pray with them, lead them to God’s throne of
grace, and remind them of the truth. You are made in the image
of God, and so are your children, which means that you are not
alone AND that you are not in control.
As parents, God has given you influence, but he has not given
you control. To find joy in parenting, we must surrender control
to the Author of our children. God has not designed parents to
be perfect or to control their child’s faith outcomes or choices.
Rather, he has designed parents to have influence, over time.
Influence means that we cannot control the outcomes. Trying to
control outcomes will only leave us busier, emptier, and missing
even more opportunities to relate with our children.
Our lives are made up of phases. Those phases change fast. For
our children they change every year. Family ministries expert
Reggie Joiner defines a phase as “a timeframe in a kid’s life
when you can leverage distinctive opportunities to influence
their future and their faith.“ That’s why it is important for us all
to learn as much as we can about the ever changing phases of
our children. Joiner also writes that “the average parent has
less than 1,000 weeks from the time their kids are born until they
move out of the house.” WOW! That means that every moment
counts. Though every child is unique, there are similarities
that we can learn. God has hardwired us for different needs in
different phases. The book It’s Just a Phase So Don’t Miss It
sums up the major developmental phases of our children in four
words: EMBRACE, ENGAGE, AFFIRM, and MOBILIZE.
6 MARCH 2018 | SOUTHWOOD.ORG