My proof- diary 1

My proof- diary
Day 1
My name is not that important, but I'm Kristen. And this
should not be a diary, but just a proof that I can do it.
Everybody told me that I can't be a single mom, work and
finishing my studies. What I want to say is that I don't want to
write this as an answer for all the bad things they said about me.
This is something that could be read when someone in need
would search for help and inspiration, trying not to give up, so here
I am, following my personal mantra:

NOT GIVE UP.
NOT TODAY.
AND MAYBE NOT TOMOROW.
I'm living in the old appartment that my grandma' left me
after she died. It's not important the city where I live, because it's
small but quiet, not important the college where I study. In this old
and cute little appartment, my five month old son, Isak and I are
going to live the story of our life. Not perfect, but enogh.
He just fell asleep and I have to go to bed now, tomorrow I
will have an interview for a job at the library where I was
volunteering till last year when everything changed. Hope both of us
will be healthy and have the strenght to succeed.
(source: @Pinterest :)) - No, really, that's my child)

Day 2
Isn't such a stupid thing that people come to the library just
for common homework? The nowaday generations (with a few

exceptions) are no longer interested in books and it's a sad thing,
but I'm not in the possition for judging. Actually, I'm in the
possition to welcome them, help them find the books and then, at
the end of the day, clean it all, put everything at the place and go
home at my baby.
I have a lot of good news. I'm having a job, not an expensive
one, but still a job, and my father tries to send me some money till
I can handle the whole situation.
Isak and I are really good friends, he enjoys hearing me reading
the books for the exams and loves to spend some time with Dilara,
my turkish friend from university (who accepted me with a child at
almost 20 years old and wanted to babysit him- and her prices are
really cheap).
And just because I want to make it clear, I'm gonna tell you
how everything happened (but also because Dilara told me that I
would feel better to share my story).
Short story: me and this guy fell in love in the first year of
highschool, it was magical, it was epic and then it was us + a baby. I
discovered about it after the graduation, and it was a little bit too
late to say that I could give up on him, but I could give up on my
boyfriend when he left to study in England. I was living alone, my
parents are divorced since I was four, I was used to care of myself
until this one, so I chosed the parent who wasn't going to kill me. I
called my dad, I explained the situation and we planned to give the
baby to addoption, but it was impossible for me to give up on Isak
afer the second I saw him.

One of my other friend says that I should try to communicate
with the father of my baby because he has the right to know the
little one and to be part of our lives. Anyway, me and Isak are fine
with or without anyone here, in this little univers full of books,
music, arts, cartoons, dipers and baby oil.

Day 3 (which is not actually Day 3, but don't be sad)
Soooo, I jumped over the last two weeks, it was really stressing
and not cool at all. I had to study for all the semetrial exams and
hope I'm gonna pass it, or my son will be very sad to know that he
listened to all the biology lessons for nothing.
I wrote an email for my mom, but it's still in “to send”. It's
not easy to put up your big girl pants when you want to tell your
mother you are a mother too now.
I send a long email to Logan, told him about the baby and
about how my life changed wthout him to know it. Told him that
I'm sorry we have to break up and him never knew about all the
things going on, it's not easy. I want for Isak to have also a father
part of his life, so I confessed him all the things I was forced to
keep for myself until now. I think he saw it, but he didn't respond
it. Hope he was having a heart attack or some good reasons to
ignore my son, or I'm going to murder him.
( probably the mood of the month #great)

Day 4 (which is at almost one month since we talked last time,
nvm)
It's not like I don't have already a baby to take care of, now I
have to handle my mom too. Although appreciate all the weeping
sessions and the “how could you not tell me that you are all alone
in this?!” kind of screamings, and also that she wants to stay with
me for a while and reconnect our family. My father came last
weekend and we all had a crazy time. Dilara told me we are really
damaged and it will take time, but this time if it's not working we
are going to try again and again. NOT GIVE UP
Logan replied to my mail after a week: “Is this a game or
sth?”
I answerd him properly: “Not at all. CALL ME ”
On Sunday morning he was on my door, looking like he was
running from England to my appartment, which it was really fun.
We discussed about a lot of things, about the past and just a little
about future plans. It was hard to discover what about the present;
he was amazed by our little baby and couldn't hug him at the
beginning because he was shaking like hell :))
We tried to understand how we are feeling about all that
happened, we haven't spoken in a while and it was not that simple
to pretend that we didn't become strangers at some point. We had

an amazing time. Redescovering ourselves again with help from our
son. We don't want to hurry things, not to make promises. We
prefer to play “Pick a boo!” with Isak and heal ourselves with his
amazing laugh.
(now they have a bond or sth... #notjealous)

Day 5
If it;s one thing that I've learned till now from my son it's
that it feels amazing to be yourself and to be able to fall and rise
back. I know that I said I'm going to do it all by myself, but the
true is that I realised we are all humans and all making mistakes.
I wasn't planning to be a young mom. But I'm planning to be a
good one, to make everything for Isak. I tried to make sure that I
can do it alone: I have an appartment, I have a good job, I'm still
learning how to cook, how to study properly, how to became an
adult.
And I realised we are all connected: parents with children,
brothers with sisters, friends and so on. And even the couples who
broke up are still connected. For my son I tried to fix those
connections, so that Isak could meet his grandparents and his father.
If someone is not prepared to be a part of our life, it's ok, but at
least I know that I've tried.
Now we are still learning how to become a family without
fighting for who's right/ wrong.
Logan knows how to change a dipper and he is getting well with
Isak. He's thinking about moving back to our little town and finish
the studies here. We are incredibly honest with each other. He's not
my boyfriend anymore, but now he's my baby father and my friend,
and we don't want to mess it up again.
My parents make real sacrifices to come to visit me once a
week, they love Isak and are ready to understand that times are
changing and so are the people.

I have to go. We are going to visit the zoo (again- Logain
promised him). Btw, isn't cool that we are matching outfits?
#
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