My proof- diary 1
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<strong>My</strong> <strong>proof</strong>- <strong>diary</strong><br />
Day 1<br />
<strong>My</strong> name is not that important, but I'm Kristen. And this<br />
should not be a <strong>diary</strong>, but just a <strong>proof</strong> that I can do it.<br />
Everybody told me that I can't be a single mom, work and<br />
finishing my studies. What I want to say is that I don't want to<br />
write this as an answer for all the bad things they said about me.<br />
This is something that could be read when someone in need<br />
would search for help and inspiration, trying not to give up, so here<br />
I am, following my personal mantra:
NOT GIVE UP.<br />
NOT TODAY.<br />
AND MAYBE NOT TOMOROW.<br />
I'm living in the old appartment that my grandma' left me<br />
after she died. It's not important the city where I live, because it's<br />
small but quiet, not important the college where I study. In this old<br />
and cute little appartment, my five month old son, Isak and I are<br />
going to live the story of our life. Not perfect, but enogh.<br />
He just fell asleep and I have to go to bed now, tomorrow I<br />
will have an interview for a job at the library where I was<br />
volunteering till last year when everything changed. Hope both of us<br />
will be healthy and have the strenght to succeed.<br />
(source: @Pinterest :)) - No, really, that's my child)
Day 2<br />
Isn't such a stupid thing that people come to the library just<br />
for common homework? The nowaday generations (with a few
exceptions) are no longer interested in books and it's a sad thing,<br />
but I'm not in the possition for judging. Actually, I'm in the<br />
possition to welcome them, help them find the books and then, at<br />
the end of the day, clean it all, put everything at the place and go<br />
home at my baby.<br />
I have a lot of good news. I'm having a job, not an expensive<br />
one, but still a job, and my father tries to send me some money till<br />
I can handle the whole situation.<br />
Isak and I are really good friends, he enjoys hearing me reading<br />
the books for the exams and loves to spend some time with Dilara,<br />
my turkish friend from university (who accepted me with a child at<br />
almost 20 years old and wanted to babysit him- and her prices are<br />
really cheap).<br />
And just because I want to make it clear, I'm gonna tell you<br />
how everything happened (but also because Dilara told me that I<br />
would feel better to share my story).<br />
Short story: me and this guy fell in love in the first year of<br />
highschool, it was magical, it was epic and then it was us + a baby. I<br />
discovered about it after the graduation, and it was a little bit too<br />
late to say that I could give up on him, but I could give up on my<br />
boyfriend when he left to study in England. I was living alone, my<br />
parents are divorced since I was four, I was used to care of myself<br />
until this one, so I chosed the parent who wasn't going to kill me. I<br />
called my dad, I explained the situation and we planned to give the<br />
baby to addoption, but it was impossible for me to give up on Isak<br />
afer the second I saw him.
One of my other friend says that I should try to communicate<br />
with the father of my baby because he has the right to know the<br />
little one and to be part of our lives. Anyway, me and Isak are fine<br />
with or without anyone here, in this little univers full of books,<br />
music, arts, cartoons, dipers and baby oil.
Day 3 (which is not actually Day 3, but don't be sad)<br />
Soooo, I jumped over the last two weeks, it was really stressing<br />
and not cool at all. I had to study for all the semetrial exams and<br />
hope I'm gonna pass it, or my son will be very sad to know that he<br />
listened to all the biology lessons for nothing.<br />
I wrote an email for my mom, but it's still in “to send”. It's<br />
not easy to put up your big girl pants when you want to tell your<br />
mother you are a mother too now.<br />
I send a long email to Logan, told him about the baby and<br />
about how my life changed wthout him to know it. Told him that<br />
I'm sorry we have to break up and him never knew about all the<br />
things going on, it's not easy. I want for Isak to have also a father<br />
part of his life, so I confessed him all the things I was forced to<br />
keep for myself until now. I think he saw it, but he didn't respond<br />
it. Hope he was having a heart attack or some good reasons to<br />
ignore my son, or I'm going to murder him.<br />
( probably the mood of the month #great)
Day 4 (which is at almost one month since we talked last time,<br />
nvm)<br />
It's not like I don't have already a baby to take care of, now I<br />
have to handle my mom too. Although appreciate all the weeping<br />
sessions and the “how could you not tell me that you are all alone<br />
in this?!” kind of screamings, and also that she wants to stay with<br />
me for a while and reconnect our family. <strong>My</strong> father came last<br />
weekend and we all had a crazy time. Dilara told me we are really<br />
damaged and it will take time, but this time if it's not working we<br />
are going to try again and again. NOT GIVE UP<br />
Logan replied to my mail after a week: “Is this a game or<br />
sth?”<br />
I answerd him properly: “Not at all. CALL ME ”<br />
On Sunday morning he was on my door, looking like he was<br />
running from England to my appartment, which it was really fun.<br />
We discussed about a lot of things, about the past and just a little<br />
about future plans. It was hard to discover what about the present;<br />
he was amazed by our little baby and couldn't hug him at the<br />
beginning because he was shaking like hell :))<br />
We tried to understand how we are feeling about all that<br />
happened, we haven't spoken in a while and it was not that simple<br />
to pretend that we didn't become strangers at some point. We had
an amazing time. Redescovering ourselves again with help from our<br />
son. We don't want to hurry things, not to make promises. We<br />
prefer to play “Pick a boo!” with Isak and heal ourselves with his<br />
amazing laugh.<br />
(now they have a bond or sth... #notjealous)
Day 5<br />
If it;s one thing that I've learned till now from my son it's<br />
that it feels amazing to be yourself and to be able to fall and rise<br />
back. I know that I said I'm going to do it all by myself, but the<br />
true is that I realised we are all humans and all making mistakes.<br />
I wasn't planning to be a young mom. But I'm planning to be a<br />
good one, to make everything for Isak. I tried to make sure that I<br />
can do it alone: I have an appartment, I have a good job, I'm still<br />
learning how to cook, how to study properly, how to became an<br />
adult.<br />
And I realised we are all connected: parents with children,<br />
brothers with sisters, friends and so on. And even the couples who<br />
broke up are still connected. For my son I tried to fix those<br />
connections, so that Isak could meet his grandparents and his father.<br />
If someone is not prepared to be a part of our life, it's ok, but at<br />
least I know that I've tried.<br />
Now we are still learning how to become a family without<br />
fighting for who's right/ wrong.<br />
Logan knows how to change a dipper and he is getting well with<br />
Isak. He's thinking about moving back to our little town and finish<br />
the studies here. We are incredibly honest with each other. He's not<br />
my boyfriend anymore, but now he's my baby father and my friend,<br />
and we don't want to mess it up again.<br />
<strong>My</strong> parents make real sacrifices to come to visit me once a<br />
week, they love Isak and are ready to understand that times are<br />
changing and so are the people.
I have to go. We are going to visit the zoo (again- Logain<br />
promised him). Btw, isn't cool that we are matching outfits?<br />
#<br />
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