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Redeemed by Love and Grace<br />
BY JASMINE PICOS<br />
After waking up in the emergency room to see the<br />
police standing in front of me, still drunk from a<br />
heavy day and night of drinking and having no<br />
idea how I had got there, finally, I knew something had<br />
to change. Although I’d had hundreds of wake-up calls,<br />
this was different. Due to the circumstances that resulted<br />
in me being taken to the ER, there was a possibility<br />
that I had been raped. I was at rock bottom; frightened,<br />
filled with shame, guilt and condemnation. Yet Jesus<br />
came “to bind up (the wounds of) the brokenhearted, to<br />
proclaim release (from confinement and condemnation)<br />
to the (physical and spiritual) captives and freedom to<br />
prisoners.” (Isaiah 61:1)<br />
I grew up in a broken, dysfunctional home surrounded<br />
by anger and abuse. My parents divorced when I was<br />
two, leaving my mother to raise my sister and me. But<br />
because my mother was imprisoned in a cycle of<br />
abusive, codependent relationships, my grandparents<br />
took on the parenting role. Both my grandfather and<br />
uncle were physically, mentally and verbally abusive.<br />
Once, I talked back to my grandmother in front of my<br />
uncle; he responded by beating me and spitting on me.<br />
Then there was the time my grandfather whipped me<br />
terribly because my sister and I laughed at him.<br />
Rejection and abuse led me to believe there must be<br />
something very wrong with me; I am a nobody; my<br />
feelings don’t matter; I am unloved. This left me<br />
feeling very angry and full of self-loathing. In what<br />
seemed to be the “natural progression of things,”<br />
struggling with fear, shame, insecurity, and loneliness,<br />
alcohol addiction ensued.<br />
In middle school I was rejected by my best friend because<br />
I was hanging out with girls she didn’t like, which negatively<br />
effected by ability to nurture any type of relationship.<br />
I hated going to school for fear of being seen as an<br />
outcast and labeled as a loser. I remember hiding in the<br />
bathroom during lunch time to avoid being seen alone.<br />
In high school, starving for male approval and love, I<br />
met my first boyfriend at 15 and he became my god.<br />
Still filled with fear and insecurity, before our first date, I<br />
snuck into my grandfather’s garage and drank shots<br />
alone for the first time. It was love at first shot!<br />
Then my heart was broken when boyfriend left me<br />
year and a half later. Completely unequipped to handle<br />
our break-up, I attempted suicide by consuming more<br />
than 20 pills. I thank God, the devil was not victorious!<br />
As the alcohol abuse<br />
progressed, my life<br />
spiraled out of control.<br />
Alcohol was my master;<br />
I felt powerless<br />
and hopeless. I began<br />
blacking out every time<br />
I drank and often<br />
placed myself in<br />
dangerous situations<br />
around men. I was<br />
going from one relationship<br />
to another, but<br />
men and alcohol never<br />
filled the void. Blackouts<br />
were a normal<br />
part of life for 16 years Jasmine Picos.<br />
until my second DUI in<br />
2013. Although the<br />
blackouts stopped, New Year’s resolutions, AA meetings,<br />
and Christian counseling failed in my attempts to put<br />
the bottle down. I knew if I continued, in another five<br />
years I would be dead. I desperately needed a miracle.<br />
Seeing people tattooed with crosses, I wondered what<br />
they had that I didn’t. What was I missing? To me, Jesus<br />
was just as absent as my father was. I was angry and<br />
blamed Jesus for all of the hell in my life.<br />
But God never left me. After hitting my rock bottom, he<br />
used my Christian friend Chris, whom I had known in the<br />
fifth grade and had had no contact with for 18 years.<br />
Chris had been searching for me for nine years. After<br />
finding me in April 2014, he shared his “miracle” experience.<br />
One day in 2005, Chris felt an overwhelming<br />
divine love penetrate his soul. That same day he saw a<br />
vision of me in the fifth grade and for two weeks felt<br />
compelled to return to San Mateo, our home town, and<br />
find me. God’s love would not let Chris give up mentoring<br />
me, even after a year without repentance. My heart<br />
was hardened and I was so prideful. I doubted Jesus’<br />
ability to help me stop drinking. And of course, I needed<br />
to clean up my life first. Right?<br />
<strong>Final</strong>ly, one day sober and three months pregnant, I<br />
cried out to the Lord, pouring out my heart – I wanted<br />
to leave this lifestyle. I asked Him to make Himself<br />
real to me and forgive me for all my sins. For the first<br />
(REDEEMED, CONTINUED ON PAGE 7)<br />
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