Faith Life Magazine - August 2018

Redeemed by Love and Grace
BY JASMINE PICOS
After waking up in the emergency room to see the
police standing in front of me, still drunk from a
heavy day and night of drinking and having no
idea how I had got there, finally, I knew something had
to change. Although I’d had hundreds of wake-up calls,
this was different. Due to the circumstances that resulted
in me being taken to the ER, there was a possibility
that I had been raped. I was at rock bottom; frightened,
filled with shame, guilt and condemnation. Yet Jesus
came “to bind up (the wounds of) the brokenhearted, to
proclaim release (from confinement and condemnation)
to the (physical and spiritual) captives and freedom to
prisoners.” (Isaiah 61:1)
I grew up in a broken, dysfunctional home surrounded
by anger and abuse. My parents divorced when I was
two, leaving my mother to raise my sister and me. But
because my mother was imprisoned in a cycle of
abusive, codependent relationships, my grandparents
took on the parenting role. Both my grandfather and
uncle were physically, mentally and verbally abusive.
Once, I talked back to my grandmother in front of my
uncle; he responded by beating me and spitting on me.
Then there was the time my grandfather whipped me
terribly because my sister and I laughed at him.
Rejection and abuse led me to believe there must be
something very wrong with me; I am a nobody; my
feelings don’t matter; I am unloved. This left me
feeling very angry and full of self-loathing. In what
seemed to be the “natural progression of things,”
struggling with fear, shame, insecurity, and loneliness,
alcohol addiction ensued.
In middle school I was rejected by my best friend because
I was hanging out with girls she didn’t like, which negatively
effected by ability to nurture any type of relationship.
I hated going to school for fear of being seen as an
outcast and labeled as a loser. I remember hiding in the
bathroom during lunch time to avoid being seen alone.
In high school, starving for male approval and love, I
met my first boyfriend at 15 and he became my god.
Still filled with fear and insecurity, before our first date, I
snuck into my grandfather’s garage and drank shots
alone for the first time. It was love at first shot!
Then my heart was broken when boyfriend left me
year and a half later. Completely unequipped to handle
our break-up, I attempted suicide by consuming more
than 20 pills. I thank God, the devil was not victorious!
As the alcohol abuse
progressed, my life
spiraled out of control.
Alcohol was my master;
I felt powerless
and hopeless. I began
blacking out every time
I drank and often
placed myself in
dangerous situations
around men. I was
going from one relationship
to another, but
men and alcohol never
filled the void. Blackouts
were a normal
part of life for 16 years Jasmine Picos.
until my second DUI in
2013. Although the
blackouts stopped, New Year’s resolutions, AA meetings,
and Christian counseling failed in my attempts to put
the bottle down. I knew if I continued, in another five
years I would be dead. I desperately needed a miracle.
Seeing people tattooed with crosses, I wondered what
they had that I didn’t. What was I missing? To me, Jesus
was just as absent as my father was. I was angry and
blamed Jesus for all of the hell in my life.
But God never left me. After hitting my rock bottom, he
used my Christian friend Chris, whom I had known in the
fifth grade and had had no contact with for 18 years.
Chris had been searching for me for nine years. After
finding me in April 2014, he shared his “miracle” experience.
One day in 2005, Chris felt an overwhelming
divine love penetrate his soul. That same day he saw a
vision of me in the fifth grade and for two weeks felt
compelled to return to San Mateo, our home town, and
find me. God’s love would not let Chris give up mentoring
me, even after a year without repentance. My heart
was hardened and I was so prideful. I doubted Jesus’
ability to help me stop drinking. And of course, I needed
to clean up my life first. Right?
Finally, one day sober and three months pregnant, I
cried out to the Lord, pouring out my heart – I wanted
to leave this lifestyle. I asked Him to make Himself
real to me and forgive me for all my sins. For the first
(REDEEMED, CONTINUED ON PAGE 7)
4