Vegan-Connections_Nov18_V3

What the F**k is a Nut Roast!?
30 31
A Vegan Connections Guide to
Christmas
Words: Josh Graham
Being vegan at Christmas: everyone remembers their first time. Before I started
writing this I was trying to think about all the clichés that get circulated about
what vegans eat at Christmas, hence the title. I still don’t really get what a nut
roast actually is. I’ve never eaten one or actually seen one on a plate in front of
me, so I googled it. If you were in the same boat as me, I can tell you now with
confidence that it looks rank - and anyone who’s actually been subjected to one
has told me the same. As I dug further, it seemed there was no clear origin beyond
that it probably originated about 100 or so years ago, so at least I don’t need to
feel guilty for slagging it, which is nice. Nowadays, most veggies and vegans will
know that there are far better meat substitutes out there now, but nonetheless, it’s
still a time of year where you’re likely to be scrutinised for your life choices more
than any other. Looking at the bigger picture, it can be a very stressful time for
all involved for a number of reasons - too many to list here - but as we all know,
there’s a huge amount of pressure to deliver, whether it’s financial, social or a
mix of both, and a vegan diet can often just be another headache on top of that
for host and guest . So, here’s a few general tips to keep you and those around
you as chilled out as possible, so you can save the passive-aggressive vibes for
more meaningful things like politics, or charades.
DISCLAIMER: I’m not going to give advice from the perspective of the host,
because let’s be honest, what self-respecting meat eater would leave Christmas
dinner in the hands of a vegan anyway.
Be Prepared
Be Helpful
Be Patient
Be Friendly
This means in terms of actual food preparation
and, to a degree, emotional preparation. As
is the case for most Christmas dinner situations,
if you’re not the only vegan there, you’re
almost certainly going to be in the minority,
so expect concessions, and not just in terms
of what you’re going to eat. I’ve heard stories
of fellow vegans being relegated to the kids
table - a fate I wouldn’t wish upon anyone, but
maybe only a slight step down depending on
what the quality of conversation is like at the
adults’ table, but we’ll get to that part later.
Seriously though, one of the best pieces
of advice I can offer is that your Christmas
dinner is likely only going to be as good as
you want it to be. If you want to avoid a
vapid nut roast and want some fancy fake
meat, then let the person in charge know
and get it ordered well in advance. That
way it’s done and dusted and no one is left
with something they didn’t want, or merely a
selection of sides. Speaking of sides, if you’re
wanting roast potatoes that aren’t slathered
in goose fat, be sure to let the person hosting
know. My mum uses olive oil or corn oil. She
found the recipe off the internet and said it
was quite good.
Vegan or not, hats off to people who host a
Christmas dinner. If you’ve ever taken part in
one, you’ll know that without (and sometimes
even with) the utmost preparation it can turn
into a complete shitshow very quickly, and
if the person in charge hasn’t been properly
briefed, your vegan dinner might be the thing
that throws them over the edge. So why not
help out?
If nothing else, it lets everyone know you
come in peace, and it’s just a nice bonding
experience for whoever you’re cooking with.
It also means you can slowly siphon every
single brussel sprout into the bin before they
get anywhere near the table.
More than likely, there’s going to be that
one difficult person that is only out to tease
and rile you up. The kind of person who has
no real interest in your life but will happily
ask questions like “will you make your kids
eat vegan?” and “why even call it cheese
or sausage when there’s no dairy or meat
in them?!”. There’s no advice or witty retort
that will stop these people, but do keep in
mind that if they start asking about where
you get protein from or god forbid you get
the immortal “but bacon?” line, you are well
within your rights to perform a citizen’s arrest
until the appropriate authorities arrive.
For others though, don’t mistake genuine
curiosity for cynicism. There are still those out
there who think chicken and fish are vegetarian
options so try not to rise too much to any
visible looks of concern being shot directly at
your plate. For extra annoying vegan points,
make them squirm by asking them if they want
to try some delicious seitan - a wheat gluten
derivative! Mmm!
This kind of feeds in from my last point, but
ultimately, most people are there to have a
nice time. If you are indeed the only vegan at
your wee gathering and you’re hankering for
some discussion, then keep in mind that people’s
minds are rarely changed with hostility.
By the same token, yes, it is annoying to be
asked incessant questions when you’d rather
be inhaling potatoes, so if you’d rather keep
your head down and just wait it out, then
that’s to be respected too. However, there’s
a fairly good chance that many of the people
you are with (especially younger generations)
will have had little to no real exposure to a
vegan lifestyle, so if they’re curious, sell it
to them! As a youngster I would hang on to
every word my older cousins said, so why not
be that positive influence? You never know
who might be paying attention.
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