Avescope Memento Mori

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GHOSTS OF PAST Auguste von Osterode LOVERS Hello Cats and Kittens! Auguste here and wow. Memento Mori? That was a deep topic for me to work around. I don’t do death unless it’s Halloween! But then it hit me… the ghosts of lovers past. How we deal with the memories of relationships both good and bad says a lot about who we are. Sometimes it’s really hard to come to terms with the way things have ended. Whether it’s lamenting the one that got away, the one that you just didn’t get, the one that broke your heart, the one that broke your brain, or the one that just didn’t go as planned, some past relationships really stick with us. Sometimes those scars run really deep and it can be hard to put them aside and move forward. Pat Benatar sang ‘Love is a battlefield.’ She wasn’t wrong. There are some people who come and go from your life and a few years later you can barely remember their face. Maybe they didn’t hurt you, but they clearly didn’t leave a lasting impression of any sort. Sadly, Facebook reminded me of one of those not toooo long ago. It was a shrug and an ‘oh yeah. Them. Wonder what they are up to?’ Then I went about my day. At least in my case, those tend to be the exception and not the rule. I am a ‘throw my whole heart in’ kind of girl, so usually it gets crushed. Whether they are long affairs or short affairs, they burn brightly and flame out fast. Like fireworks, one minute they are here and the next they are gone. More scars on the battle-rattle of love. Every time it happens, I tend to get warier. It’s not that I don’t fall in love, exactly… well… wait. No. I don’t think I fall in love anymore. I fall in lust like a champion! No. I think these days, I’m always holding something back. Romantically I’m all up for anything, but emotionally I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Avescope | 35
Because it always does. But is that my lover de jour’s fault? I’m not entirely sure. It could be mine. We all have our baggage, and mine is probably a matched set of Louis Vuitton which includes both the train case AND the steamer trunk. Sometimes I think it gets in the way. If you add a bag after every broken heart, eventually no airline is going to get you from A to B. Cupid is a little fellow. How is he supposed to carry that load? How can that arrow pierce the heart if you have a wall of emotional luggage around you? I think that young love works because there is still optimism in love. Your first, second and third romances don’t have to fight through the bad memories and learned responses one might have after ten, fifteen or twenty affairs. We get way more suspicious and give way less of ourselves because we anticipate the hurt that we know will inevitably come. ~ There is a wonderful line in ‘Notting Hill’ where Hugh Grant’s character says, ‘it's as if I've taken love heroin and now I can't ever have it again.’~ Except I’ve been there. You know. Managed to get into the occasional twisted redux of a previous relationship having been lured back by online flirting.. There is a certain Berliner I’m now under orders to avoid at all costs. There is a wonderful line in ‘Notting Hill’ where Hugh Grant’s character says, ‘it's as if I've taken love heroin and now I can't ever have it again.’ That’s the Berliner. Just say no to love heroin. That shit will fuck you up. Punt that person out of your life. If you are the dumped, quit chasing after the person who hurt you. If you are the dumper, you dumped for a reason. Dumper or dumped? Cut the cord and move on. Delete them out of your phone. Put the pics you want to keep somewhere you can’t look at them easily and cleanse your space of them. At all costs, block them on Facebook. That may seem a little scorched earth, but sometimes you need to salt the earth to get that person out of you life before they drive you out of your skull. Ah. The ghosts of relationships past. Sometimes a new relationship feels like the ballroom in Disney’s Haunted Mansion with all the ghosts swirling around you reminding you of every old heartbreak and missed chance. Take some time. Look after yourself for a while. Don’t go charging into the next mistake. That only leads to more baggage. Take some time, open up that baggage, deal with what is inside and throw it away. Don’t let it mount up and steal your future! So what do we do? Damned if I know. I’m just a writer of twisted sexual adventures… not a therapist. My deepest relationships these days are with a bottle of wine and Youtube. Cut me some slack. That said, I think we need to be more open. Just because someone did X to you in the past doesn’t mean that every partner will do that. I think one of the best things to do after a broken heart is to take a step back and take some time. Don’t get into the dangerous trap of post-breakup sex which does nothing for you. Let’s face it. Even those orgasms are a little on the tainted side. Avescope | 36
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