ReadFin Literary Journal (Winter 2018)

Paloma
Shella Shpigel
Paloma is three going on thirteen. She is curious like most
children and asks many questions. Some of these questions can
be hilarious and others very observant. One particular question
about her appearance is raised and this triggers painful memories
for her mother.
Her mother Ella was once an independent woman who was career
driven. She was a woman who had it all. The car, the holidays, the
friends and the dream job. Until one day it dawned on her that
something was missing. A partner. A lover. A family.
Enter Salvatore. He was a new employee at work. He was
handsome and charismatic. All the women in the office were
drawn to him. But Ella had strict boundaries that she didn’t get
involved with co-workers. ‘Don’t shit where you eat’ she used to
say to her colleagues.
All the women of course enjoyed the attention and happily flirted
with Salvatore. Ella on the other hand remained very cold toward
him even though she secretly felt attracted to him. Salvatore of
course felt more drawn to Ella because she paid him no attention.
At first it started with constant smiles and eye contact. Then
Salvatore progressed with jokes and subtle touches like a hand
on Ella’s shoulder. Ella went along with it thinking it was some
harmless fun. But Salvatore turned things up a notch and started
emailing Ella. Next it was questions like ‘what are you doing this
weekend?’
Before Ella knew it, she was lunching with Salvatore daily at
work and having dinners together afterwards. It all seemed like
an innocent friendship was blossoming. Besides, Salvatore was
married with children.
As time went on, Salvatore opened up about his unhappy marriage
and confessed that he had fallen in love with Ella. Ella felt she
was completely oblivious to the situation as it unfolded. Perhaps
she was in denial as she too had developed feelings and was quite
smitten with Salvatore.
Salvatore promised Ella the world. A baby, to leave his wife and
to marry her. Ella just had to trust him. Ella felt so overwhelmed,
afraid and excited. She had internal conflict and couldn’t decide
whether to give this man a chance. Morally, she felt she couldn’t
get involved with this man whilst he had a partner. But her heart
yearned to be with him. The way he made her laugh, the way he
looked at her and the way he touched her.
It all happened so quickly. The whirlwind affair became serious.
The dates stopped, the love letters stopped, and the late-night
rendezvous stopped. Ella was having an affair with a married
man and she was pregnant. The news for Salvatore seemed to be
bittersweet. Ella gave him an ultimatum and he finally bit the
bullet and left his wife.
Ella and Salvatore moved in together and started planning their
future. They set up a nursery, they picked out the baby’s name and
they planned a babymoon to Hawaii. Ella had to pinch herself as
she couldn’t believe she was having a baby with man she loved.
Ella and Salvatore went to Hawaii together and things started
taking an ugly turn. Salvatore started drinking heavily. He
became aggressive when drunk. Ella felt uncomfortable and didn’t
know this side to Salvatore. She figured maybe that was his way
of coping with stress as the reality was he was still married to
another woman as the divorce proceedings were lengthy.
Ella thought that maybe when they returned home Salvatore
would be in a better space.
Unfortunately, Salvatore got worse. He stopped contributing
financially and started making excuses about debts he accrued.
His drinking became more excessive and vicious name calling
commenced. When they were out in public he became jealous and
controlling when another man was present. Ella started to feel
she was walking on thin ice with Salvatore. His thoughts became
more and more irrational and she never knew when he would
explode.
Eventually it got to the point where Salvatore was either at home
and volatile or he started disappearing for extended periods
without any communication. Some nights he wouldn’t even come
home nor explain his whereabouts. Ella started feeling uneasy and
questioned whether he was seeing another woman.
She decided to confront Salvatore one day and he denied any
wrongdoing. Ella threatened to leave him and he started crying
and said he believed he had depression and needed her help. Ella
pitied him and wanted to be a family so she figured he must have
been going through a hard adjustment after leaving his wife.
Salvatore promised he was going to seek out help. He wanted to be
there for Ella and the baby but he had his own issues to deal with.
Ella was pleased that he recognised he needed help and wanted
to support him through thick and thin. After all that’s what
relationships were all about.
Salvatore continued drinking and disappearing all too frequently.
Ella was at a loss of what to do. Some nights she cried in her
room alone and thought about the baby. She thought about the
kind of world she would be bring her into and that worried her
immensely. Her friends and family urged her to leave Salvatore for
once and for all. But Ella felt stuck because she did still love him
and wanted her baby to have a father around.
Salvatore came home drunk one night and demanded to know
who the man Ella was talking to at work today. He began to
speculate that they were having an affair and started calling
Ella derogatory names, swearing at her and eventually spitting
on her. Ella was shaking and trying to reassure him that he was
just a tradesman doing a quote for the new boardroom table. But
Salvatore demanded to see her phone and wrestled her to the
ground to get it out of her pocket. He was convinced that he would
find further evidence of her affair contained within the phone.
Ella lay on the floor in a ball, covering her pregnant stomach and
hysterically crying.
This time she knew it was over. He was not the man she thought
he was. And she didn’t want to raise her baby in that environment.
The following morning, she went to find him on the couch where
he was often nursing a hangover. But he was nowhere to be found.
His car was gone, his clothes were gone, even his clothes steamer
was gone.
Salvatore left no note, his phone number was disconnected and he
resigned effective immediately at work. Ella was in disbelief how
he could vanish so quickly like that. She didn’t have much time to
make sense of the nightmare because she was about to be a single
mother. She packed her bags and started a new chapter. Paloma
was born.
ReadFin Literary Journal 33