The Phoenix Vol.38 No.13

THE PHOENIX JULY 3, 2020 21
Craic & Codology •••Craic & Codology •••Craic & Codology •••Craic & Codology
Dear Diary…
Micheál Martin’s top secret thoughts
WEDNESDAY
Wow! I’m still afraid that I might wake up and realise it’s all a dream.
Looking at all the posters on my bedroom wall – Dev, Biffo, Bertie – who
would ever have thought that, after so much heartbreak and disappointment,
I would soon be joining my all-time heroes. Yet here I am, hovering
on the edge of the most powerful position on the political stage – and
still only weeks off my 60th birthday – just a kid with a crazy dream.
THURSDAY
Message from the acting Taoiseach, who is equally over the moon that
we’re about to go into government together. So he’s like, “It’s true,
Micheál. We’re job-sharing, so you’re going to be in total charge of just
about everything.” And I’m like, “OMG! You can’t be serious.” Sure, we
have minor policy differences, but Leo and I agree on the major issues –
such as doing U-turns and blaming the Greens for everything.
FRIDAY
The big day’s here at last – and everybody’s completely thrilled for me.
All except the usual stick-in-the-mud spoilsports. No names, but let’s
just call him Éamon Ó C for short. Meanwhile, it’s down to the serious
stuff, with renewed focus on uniting the entire country by immediately
getting rid of all the old ministerial deadwood. Vlad and myself will have
to act fast – and everyone knows that we’re both very good at acting.
Big yikes or what?
FEARS GROW OVER SECOND WAVE
As the country exits lockdown,
concerns are continuing
to grow about a resurgence
in Covid-19 fillers and
think-pieces. One day last
week saw the highest number
of Covid-related speculation
in the Irish Times since
mid-March, whilst there has
also been a notable spike in
the Irish Independent.
“Once the newsroom
gets contaminated, it’s
impossible to stop the
spread,” said one public
health expert. “It starts with
a few small news stories,
then transfers to the feature
pages, where they’ll run articles
on how to buy haz-mat
suits and build an underground
bunker. Once Fintan
O’Toole writes a think-piece,
it’s officially a pandemic.”
Meanwhile, audiences
around the country are being
told to brace themselves
for a fresh round of TV
appearances from Cillian De
Gascun and Luke O’Neill.
LEO WELCOMES
HISTORIC DEAL
“Life is like a box of chocolates – you
never know what you’re gonna get.
Over the past two weeks, I have said
to our membership, ‘If this plane
leaves and you’re not with us, you’ll
regret it. Maybe not today, maybe
not tomorrow, but soon and for the
rest of your life.’
“We need to restart our economy
again and begin visiting great nations
like France to sample their
amazing cuisine. You know what
they call a quarter pounder with
cheese in Paris? They call it a Royale
with Cheese. And let us not forget
the Dutch. You know what they put
on French fries in Holland instead of
ketchup? Mayonnaise. I seen ’em do
it man – they f****n’ drown ’em in
that s**t.”
The Forty Shades of Green
I close my eyes and picture all the piles of votes saying ‘yes’.
From the fishing port at Dingle and the village of Recess
From the banks of the river Shannon and from
the folks at Skibbereen
From the moorlands and the midlands came those
forty shades of green
Chorus: All together now…
But most of all I love those votes from Tipperary town
And I thank the Lord we didn’t need the votes of Co Down
And now we want to see and do
Great things that have never been seen.
Wind energy as sweet as Shalimar
‘cos there’s forty shades of green