August

Harry Tartt’s Housebound Horoscopes
“With the help of a local woman with pink hair and a nose-piercing I think I’ve
managed to knock out a pretty good horoscope for your delectation. Which is
quite an achievement for a man with no previous expertise in astronomy.”
Aries 21 March -20 April
Many predictions can be infuriating,
like the infamous ‘Beware the ides
of March’. Many historians believe
Caesar had no idea what the Ides of March actually
meant, and was thus fatally unprepared.
It would have been more helpful if the old hag
had said to him, ‘Don’t go out on the 15th of
March because your best mates are going to
stab you to death’ – but prophecy doesn’t work
that way I’m afraid. So all I will say is this:
when the dog’s head is at it’s lowest point be
aware of men bearing false sacrifice.
Taurus 20 April - 21 May
The sign of the bull. As many people
know I was once chased by a bull
whilst accidentally wearing a red
cape on a windy day, so I know how
angry and vengeful you can be. You need to
calm down, and stop forcing innocent pensioners
to leap over stiles.
Cancer 21 June - 23 July
Despite your age you are still
quite handsome (in a rugged
interesting way). However, you
can almost be too charming and that can lead
to you getting in trouble with your various love
interests. But sometimes these love interests
become controlling and insist on knowing
what time you’ll be back from the Social
Club, or how much you’re spending at the
bookies. It’s not fair. It’s not like I’m married
or anything.
Leo 23 July - 23 August
I recall a famous yodeller, who
was also an expert at sword-swallowing.
One ill-fated night he attempted to
combine the two skills. I was one of a coachload
of pensioners who looked on in horror as
he did so just as the coach hit a pot-hole. And
as traumatic as it was, there IS a lesson there
dear Leo’s = focus on one skill at a time.
Libra 23 Sept - 23 Oct
Watch what you eat and maybe
contemplate a diet in August.
Some people have remarked that
you are beginning to look a bit porky.
Scorpio 23 Oct - 22 Nov
Let’s be honest, you have a
tendency to prattle on about your
new decking quite a bit. Now is
the time to take up a new hobby, like hiking, or
meditating. Go on, explore yourself, just preferably
away from other people.
Sagittarius 22 Nov-22 Dec
Well, well, well, August is looking
good for you. But avoid Guildford.
Aquarius 20 Jan - 19 Feb
Aristotle once said ‘It is during our
darkest moments that we must focus
to see the light’. Well, that was easy
for him to say, as he never had cataracts. But
there is a lesson there Aquarius. Avoid dark
cellars, pits and tunnels this August.
Pisces 19 Feb - 21 March
A wise man once told me ‘you
can’t ride two horses at the same
time’. A year later I happened to get talking to a
Ukrainian circus performer, and it transpired that
riding two horses at the same time was precisely
what he did for a living. So I went back to the
wise man to tell him about the Ukrainian twohorse
rider and he became angry and withdrew
into himself. He was a Pisces.
Gemini 21 May - 21 June
The sign of Gemini is represented
by a pair of twins, or 2 faces, depending
on the astronomer. I have
no problem with twins (except for the ones
in that film, The Shining), but two-faces? It’s
a well known fact that most card-sharks and
cat-burglars are Geminis. But it doesn’t have
to be that way. Walk the truth path. And stop
cheating at cards.
Virgo 23 Aug - 23 Sept
A man who’s name begins with
the letter M may try to steal your
front door keys, but the letter P is important
to you when you go on a long journey. The
Moon should have entered Virgo by the time
you read this, but I have no idea what that
means.
Capricorn 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Come on Capricorn, you are
always questioning yourself, or
doubting yourself. Should I do this, should I
do that..? Well stop with all the prevaricating,
get out and socialise, go to the pub more often
(you can afford it). Maybe do something charitable,
like buy a stranger a pint. Whatever you
do though, be sure to be generous, or people
will start to talk.
Harry Tartt